I use the term “story” loosely today as I talk about an experience I had on the day of recording. It circles around happiness and joy, circumstances, and faith. I hope you listen in and enjoy my little bit of a soap box. 🙂
It’s nothing short of a miracle that I turned out to be a fairly functional person.
My parents were teenagers when I was born. And alcoholics, drug addicts and high school drop-outs. Although they were both brilliant in their own right.
There was very little money. I remember my parents getting into a fight because I wanted a tennis skirt. (But of course always money for beer and weed (and sometimes speed or cocaine.))
We lived in the middle-of-nowhere-town where opportunities were limited.
I was sexually molested by an extended family member.
I was bullied and teased by both classmates and even a teacher.
And yet. Here I am. Living the “American Dream.”
So many people in similar situations never make it out. I often ask myself how I did it.
I doubted and shamed myself, lived in constant fear and insecurity, but SOMEHOW when it came to the big important things, I was able to listen to the knowing voice inside of me.
Instead of giving into the sex-and-drugs culture I was raised in, I always knew that wasn’t the life for me. My buffer wasn’t alcohol, pot, attention from boys (well maybe a little!), crime or self-harm, but over-achievement. It served me well for a long time. I was driven toward college, even though my parents supported me in anything. I took the “hard” route.
When my mom died before I graduated from college, I didn’t give in to the blaming and family drama and depression. The knowing voice kept me strong and putting one foot in front of the other.
When my husband and I had to figure out what a good marriage looked like without any models, we both turned to the knowing voices within.
When I had the seemingly perfect Christian suburban life, yet I was desperately unhappy still, I didn’t allow myself to give up. The knowing voice within told me it was possible to be happy and fulfilled. And I kept searching until I found the answer.
Listen. If it’s possible for me, it’s possible for you. The odds were stacked against me, so I know no matter how steep this mountain looks, you can climb it!
If you want to live the American Dream, let me help you. Sign up for a free consultation call here.
Friends! I’ve made it! This is the 30th post in 30 days!
Thank you all for following along and reading.
Don’t worry, I will keep writing, but maybe not quite so often. I would like to give myself weekends off at least.
Have you been reading regularly, but not making yourself known?
I invite you to reach out. Be vulnerable.
The thing I learned from my vulnerable post yesterday is: you get results when you are willing to be vulnerable.
I hope you can see how this applies to sex and intimacy.
Your sexual relationship requires vulnerability from you.
When you open yourself up, you allow people to see the real you.
Intimacy = Into me see
Then they move closer.
That’s when you are able to surrender yourself to connection and pleasure.
It’s human nature to want to be connected.
We are social beings.
Even the least social among us.
There is a divinity within us that yearns for belonging, worth and love.
You are valuable beyond measure.
You are lovable and loved.
Because if nobody else has said it today, I love you.
I cracked myself open yesterday and the 28 days before that, which allowed me to love myself more fully and that helps me love you more fully.
This post is so late (10:30 pm where I am) because I loved myself today.
I went slow.
I did what felt loving to me all day.
I scheduled a 9 pm massage.
It was lovely.
And you know what?
I totally deserved it.
I was worth it.
And so are you.
You are worth a close, loving marriage.
You are worth sexual pleasure.
It doesn’t make you dirty or bad or impure.
Loving your sex life– really doing the work to be vulnerable and getting closer to your spouse– will strengthen the mindset muscles you need to love yourself, love your life, and love other people.
It will change everything for you.
It doesn’t matter if you hire a coach because you want to lose weight, have anxiety or want a better sex life.
It all comes down to loving yourself and seeing that you have value.
And love feels so good.
When you love yourself, you are the one that gets to feel love.
And when you feel loved, you radiate it to the world.
It ripples out, creating goodness everywhere.
It becomes a true, genuine joy that connects you to everyone in the world.
I know this sounds a little woo-woo.
But it’s everything.
If you could do what it takes to love yourself on your own, you would have done it already.
I invite you to schedule a chat with me.
Maybe we will click and maybe we won’t.
But you will never find out if you don’t try.
Take 1 hour to do something for yourself. I promise it will be worth it.
I will show you where your blind spots or stumbling blocks are.
I will explain how to address them.
Be vulnerable with me.
Whatever excuse your brain in giving you right now to not click that link to schedule a call, that is the reason why you really need to do it.
If you think you are too busy or don’t have enough time, I will help you make time in your life and create a life that is peaceful and purposeful.
If you think you are too shy or it would be embarrassing, feeling shy and embarrassed it the currency to getting what you want in life.
If you think I am going to pressure you to buy something, you are wrong. My job is just to be the champion for your dream. I truly just want to serve.
If you think your spouse wouldn’t approve, then you are giving all your power to him and I that is why you feel powerless, helpless, and unloved.
I use Christian principles, powerful life coaching tools, and love to help you live the life you want.
If you are reading this, I know I can help you. I believe 100% in the tools I use. And I believe in your capacity to change.
There is truly nothing to fear but fear itself.
Email me at denitabremercoaching at gmail dot com
or schedule using my online calendar: calendly.com/denitabremercoaching/consult
I’ll be waiting for your message.
Your Life Coach, Denita
It surprised me to realize that most of my clients who struggle with sex also struggle with money issues. Not all of them but most of them.
I started thinking about this connection to figure out why.
The first possibility is that they are not connected directly at all, but only correlated.
Maybe it’s just that my Latter-day Saint target market all feel like they don’t have enough money. They tend to have one-earner families and many mouths to feed.
Maybe Christians are just more conservative and both sex and money are problems separately.
Maybe both problems are just rampant.
But something within me says the same thing that makes sex difficult makes money scarce.
Scarcity can be a mindset.
Usually when you think one thing is scarce, that shows up in other areas as well.
But is sex scarce?
Upon further reflection, I realized that scarcity comes from a place within you.
Scarcity comes from feeling like you are not enough.
And THAT is what most of my clients have in common.
They struggle with sex, because they don’t feel like they are enough so they don’t show up fully. They hide.
When you feel like you are not enough, then there will never be enough money either.
Feeling like you aren’t enough leads you to try to prove your worth. You start looking at things outside of you to show you are enough.
If you make or have enough money than you are enough.
If you perform well, then you are enough.
If your kids behave, then you are enough.
If sex is good, your husband will love you more and you will be enough.
This is a subconscious drive within us to feel like we are enough, valuable.
Let me just help you out right now:
YOU ARE ENOUGH.
Nothing outside of you is going to prove it.
In order to have enough money and good enough sex, you have to believe first that you are enough.
But friend- you are enough. Just the way you are.
Lean into it.
Then watch your life change.
PS. Once you believe you are already enough, then everything you do will be just because you want to. It will come from a place of abundance. That energy fueling your actions will create more abundance in your life.
Let’s talk about giving and receiving in relationship. Specifically with sex.
Many of my clients have an underlying belief that sex is for men. That the purpose of sex and sexuality has nothing to do with women, other than they are required to show up, at least in the case of a monogamous relationship.
(I’ve been there friends.)
This naturally leads to the idea that when engaging in sex, women are only giving, not receiving.
If this is true for you, of course you don’t love sex! You are constantly giving and serving everyone around you, and it’s just one. more. thing.
You may even feel like you have lost yourself amongst all the giving.
You don’t think of sex as a necessity, at least in the strictest sense.
Sex is the means to an end: having children. And sure, sex is for bringing husband and wife closer together.
But what if sex is also about receiving?
Think about compliments. When you give a compliment, it feels good. You have lifted someone else’s day.
What about when you receive a compliment? Does that feel good, or is it a little uncomfortable? Are you able to receive it graciously? Can you say ‘thank you’ and then just sit with the compliment and let it sink in? Or do you immediately feel the need to reciprocate? Or justify. “These old shoes? My sister gave them to me!”
Are you able to receive well?
How does it feel when you give someone a compliment but they explain it away or immediately reciprocate with a compliment for you?
It’s like they didn’t really hear you.
Now imagine you give a compliment and then they say, “Thank you- I am going to take a moment to fully receive this.”
THAT feels good. As the giver and as the receiver.
Let’s bring it back to sex.
I promise, it’s not all about giving, but also about receiving. Your husband wants to know that he can give you pleasure and that you want to be with him.
You receiving him well is like receiving a compliment well. It feels good for both of you.
Receiving is also giving. It’s a gift you give to the other person, whether we are talking about compliments or sex. You are saying, “I see you. I hear you.”
You can only see and hear others as well as you are able to allow yourself to be seen and heard.
This also means you can only give as well as you are able to receive.
If sex is only for him, you probably aren’t receiving it well and it’s limiting your capacity to give of yourself in an intimate way.
In this case, focus on what you get from sex. And if you aren’t getting anything is it because your husband just isn’t giving or because you are not acknowledging his gift?
My challenge for you this week is to pay attention to how well you are able to give and receive. Is there anything you would like to improve? Does making a conscious effort to receive well change your ability to give well?
I am going to use my failures to pave my way to success. They are not hurdles but hand-holds as I inch my way up the mountain.Continue reading