Do you want to become more unconditionally loving? You may think that some people are just born that way, but in this episode Denita makes a case for unconditional love being a practice, a skill we can develop. She also talks about the difference between pleasing others and loving others. They are not the same! Creating eternal relationships we actually want is a process and it starts with love.
Episode Summary
Was I born loving?
I had someone say to me that they thought I was very loving and kind and they assumed I was simply born this way. (Now, clearly this was a person who doesn’t know me very well, and sees me from a distance in a very specific space.) The comment really made me think about what makes me seem unconditionally loving to others. The truth is that I genuinely want to be unconditionally loving, but I was not born unconditionally loving.
I think I may have been born with a compassionate and empathetic heart, but more than that I was born afraid. Afraid of everything! Love was not my modus operandi, not by a long shot. I don’t think I had a lot of space to be loving when I was so afraid of everything.
The truth is that I was very pleasing— which is different than loving, and we will talk more about that in a moment.
So what makes me come across as unconditionally loving to others?
The short answer is: I practice.
Love is a practice
I have had so many experiences in my life that have forced me to practice unconditional love. I also want to remind you that in each of these experiences and moments, I had a choice to be something other than loving.
When my 14 year old sister came to live with my husband, my toddler and me in 2005, we knew it was going to be really difficult. And it was. Every time she came home being rude and disrespectful, every time she just didn’t come home, I had to practice being loving. I could have easily been something that wasn’t love, and to be honest, I’m sure I was plenty of times. But some of the time I was practicing being unconditionally loving. I practiced turning to the Lord and asking Him what the right thing was because he is the source of unconditional love. Sometimes it was to not say anything. And sometimes it was to call the police. I never really knew.
With my own children I have had to practice being loving. You guys. I was not taught to be loving. In fact, I was almost taught the opposite. I was taught to fight and be adversarial with my sisters. Some of it came naturally. When they were infants it was so easy to ooze love all over. But as my kids got older and began to have their own opinions and desires and I wanted to control them, it became much harder to be loving. There was a time when I almost had to write down on my to-do list to go say hi to my kids when they got home, give them a hug, look into their eyes, have a conversation, make them a snack— I had to to-do list my way to loving my own children.
I say all this to illustrate the point that becoming a loving person is a PRACTICE. It is a skill to learn. I think I am an imperfectly loving person because I have had lots of practice.
Pleasing is not the same as loving
The second conversation I had this week included a discussion about the difference between pleasing and loving.
When we are stuck in survival mode, the nervous system and brain are much more concerned about staying alive than thriving relationships. I have noticed that many, many of us have grown up thinking that pleasing others is loving them.
But, sorry to say, it’s not.
You don’t have to feel bad about not knowing this. (I only say this because often the first impulse is to shame yourself because you see how you haven’t been loving, you’ve been pleasing.) You. Didn’t. Know.
Pleasing others comes from a place of fear or anxiety. It’s heading off a problem before it materializes. It feels rigid or stiff or like you might be holding your breath. It also takes a lot of energy so it can be draining.
True unconditional loving is energizing. It feels close to the core of who you are. Maybe grounded or centered. It feels like love. To me love feels warm and like an upward swelling motion.
When we please others, we actually know really well what works, what doesn’t work, where actions or words will lead. Because we have learned through experience. For this reason pleasing is rigid or black and white.
Love is open-ended. When we act from a place of love, we don’t know and can’t control the outcome. You might feel love and then overlook a fault. Or you might feel love and remind someone that they are being hurtful. We don’t know what the “right” thing to do is until we get to that moment. Love is much more fluid and flowing. Because the truth is, each specific situation and person could call for something different.
Good modeling is needed
I think it can be very difficult to be loving when you don’t have a good model for love. For me, my models were of people doing pleasing activities and not coming from true love most of the time. It wasn’t until I had a very trauma-informed and loving coach, and I could feel her love, that I began to understand what love was. That was only a few years ago.
Eternal relationships we want require love
If we want to create eternal relationships that we actually want. As in “yes I want to be with you for eternity” we must learn what true love feels like and practice it. It doesn’t come naturally. We have to reflect on whether we have been loving or we have been pleasing. I know for some of you, as it was for me, it can be a rude awakening to realize you’ve been doing pleasing not loving. It’s ok. Not all is lost. It’s never too late.
Life will give you lots of practice if you want to become a more unconditionally loving person. And you’ll fail and learn a lot through the process. It’s so worth it!
Become more unconditionally loving
If you want my support in that process, I invite you to come have a conversation with me. Let’s talk about your struggles, and your dreams for yourself and those you want to love better. Working with me may not be the answer, and I am totally open to exploring that. It’s just a conversation to get the ball rolling toward what you want.
Maybe you aren’t ready for a conversation yet, but you have a question for me. You can ask me an anonymous question or leave feedback or ideas for future episodes using this form.
If you know of someone else that could use some help being loving instead of pleasing, send them this episode. Or just send it to them if you want to open a conversation with them on the topic.
xo,
Denita
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