Why you should NOT change your sexual desire.

Since my 30 day blogging challenge I have been caught up in some of my own self-coaching and haven’t been creating quite as much! I am hoping to change that, but it would be so helpful to know what your questions are and how I can help. Feel free to comment or email me if you have anything you want me to talk about.

If you want to want sex more, this post is for you.

Stop.

You heard me. Stop wanting to change your sexual desire.

Here’s why:

When you can just accept yourself for who you are, low sexual desire and all, you will relieve yourself of the pressure, guilt, or shame you are feeling.

Not feeling those emotions is the very thing that will open you up to have sex more.

When you have sex more, you will want it more.

It’s a crazy backwards thing, but it has worked for me.

My husband has been gone for 3 days and gets home tonight.

You know what we’ll be doing!

Join us! (Not join us, but you know– go have some guilt-free, pressure-free sex!)

If you are ready to love your sex life, hop on a free consultation call with me. I will show you what is tripping you up and how to move forward. Don’t wait any longer to feel the closeness you’ve been craving.

How do I feel sexy?

How do I feel sexy after having a baby?
How do I feel sexy while I am pregnant?
How do I feel sexy when I am having a bad hair day?
How do feel sexy when I am bloated?
How do I feel sexy when I want to lose weight?
How do I feel sexy when I haven’t exercised in a week?

How do I feel sexy? Period.

Two things:

  1. “Sexy” (in this case) is a FEELING. Feelings don’t come from how your body looks, what your partner thinks or anything else outside of you! Feelings come from your thoughts. It might seem like it comes from something else because your thoughts are so quick– like milliseconds, but they are there. Your thoughts might be so deeply embedded they don’t feel like thoughts, just truths that everyone would agree on, but they are still simply thoughts.
  2. What is the standard for what “sexy” even is? And who gets to decide? Is sexy tall, slim and tan? Or is it short, buxom and pale? Sexy is in the eye of the beholder. If your husband thinks you are sexy, then you are– to him. Everyone gets to decide what “sexy” is for themselves. EVERYBODY. Even you. So are you sexy?
Photo by Yuris Alhumaydy on Unsplash

If you aren’t feeling sexy right now but you’ve been able to feel sexy in the past, think about when you did feel sexy and what you were thinking about yourself. What if that were still true right now? Is it possible anyone in the whole wide world could think you are sexy right in this moment? Could you be wrong about not being sexy? Just open your mind to the possibility that maybe you are sexy and you just can’t see it… yet.

If you’ve never felt sexy, ask yourself why? List all the reasons. Where did those reasons come from? What if they are all completely wrong? When you don’t feel sexy, how do you act? Maybe you wear sweats or pjs all day. Maybe you don’t shower or put make-up on. Maybe you act in a way that doesn’t coincide with your version of sexy… and then your brain sees how unsexy you are. Perhaps your only obstacle to feeling sexy is the thought “I’m not sexy.” What if you just never thought that? How would things change?

If you can’t get yourself there— maybe you are like, “No. You don’t get it. I have all this extra skin and stretch marks. It just IS ugly and not sexy.” Take a step back and think about how that makes you feel. Thinking you, or some part of you, is ugly or frumpy probably feels disappointing or ugly or shameful. Then how do you act? You probably want to hide in some way or just go eat that chocolate ice cream in the freezer, or scroll social media where you get more evidence that you don’t compare to “sexy.” None of that makes you feel more sexy and the result is more guilt, shame, disappointment and evidence that you are not sexy.

Just notice that thinking that way is not getting you anywhere.

If you were sexy, how would you feel? When you feel that way how do you act? How do those actions impact you? Do you see how the belief always has to come first?

So. Maybe you won’t be able to just decide you are sexy. But can you get one step closer? Can you think something like “I’m not sexy– yet.” or “Someone out there would think I am sexy.” or “Sexy is as sexy does.”

How do you feel sexy? No matter what? You do the mindset work to believe you are sexy. It’s simple, but not easy.

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What questions do you have about body image, feeling sexy or mindset? I would love to answer them in the comments or via email.

You are enough.

You are enough. You are not broken. Nothing has gone wrong.

These are words I have to keep believing for both myself and for my clients.

In Emily Nagoski’s book Come As You Are, she says

[W]hat most of us want is to feel normal. (In fact, one of the normal things about your sexuality is to worry sometimes about whether you’re normal. Yes, being worried about being normal is… normal.)

page 326

Nogoski goes on to say that when we want to be normal, what we really want is to belong. This makes sense from an evolutionary point of view. Not belonging was very dangerous for early humans. This innate desire to belong keeps us alive.

Photo by Niklas Hamann on Unsplash

Last week I faced this desire in myself:

I’ve been wanting to clear up my money mindset. I asked my coach to help me move from scarcity thinking about money to abundance thinking about money. Twice. Both times, the coaching conversation went to my relationship with my husband.

I’ll admit I was a little frustrated at first. But then I got curious with myself. Why was this happening? What was really going on?

After much digging and reflection and tears, I made this realization: money and my marriage both make me confront whether I truly am enough or not.

There was this moment in my self-coaching that I thought “If he doesn’t think the same way I do, then I am all alone. And if I’m all alone, then nobody wants to be around me, and I am not enough.”

Now, logically, I know this doesn’t make sense. But it’s what my brain was telling me.

I realized that my scarcity thinking with money, (there’s never enough, you have to work hard for it, there is only a fixed amount, etc) stems from my scarcity thinking about myself.

And in that moment, even though I have done so much work on myself and my confidence, I recognized I still have so far to go.

This experience reminded me of a recent consultation call with a new client. I was explaining what coaching would look like and I had this impression to tell her:

You are enough. You are not broken. Nothing has gone wrong.

And she burst into tears. Because that is what we all want to hear.

So that is my message to you today also. You are enough. You are not broken. Nothing has gone wrong.

I woke up on the wrong side of the bed and now I just want to lay in it.

Ugh. Today has been a hard day. And I didn’t even leave the house except to take a kid to school.

I have cried multiple times for no reason.

I didn’t get nearly as much done as I had hoped.

The dog tracked mud all over the carpet for the second time in as many days. Then he barked when I put him outside. Then he got out of the yard and the neighbor came and fixed the latch on our gate. I’ve been asking my husband to fix it for a year.

The book I finished reading left a sour taste in my mouth. And I am still angry about it.

I had my husband’s car because he took the girls skiing and it won’t start. And I parked it in the wrong spot accidentally. Thankfully he got home in time to pick up our son from school, but it was a close one. Car trouble is high on my list of aggravating things.

I didn’t eat lunch because nothing seemed appealing.

Did I mention that it’s that time of the month too?

Photo by Martin Castro on Unsplash

Basically, I am having a pity party. I woke up on the wrong side of the bed and now I just want to lay in it.

Sometimes you just gotta feel it. Sometimes you examine it and pick it apart and figure out what went wrong. Sometimes you intentionally move on.

If you can figure out what is causing the negative emotion and change it, do that. (Eating might help me right now.)

If you can’t change it, then feel it. (Check.)

If the feeling persists and you are DONE feeling it (I’m not there yet), examine your thoughts. Take them one at a time and see how they feel in your body when you think them. Is there a belief or thought at the root of your discomfort? Is it true? Is it true for everyone? Can you think something different that feels better? Is there another way to look at the situation?

This is life coaching. It seems so simple. But when you ask yourself the right questions, your life can change without changing at all.

7 Things to Know about Love that will help you love unconditionally

Yesterday I tried something new. I offered a free online class about unconditional love, lovability and what keeps us from them. I was so excited when FIVE amazing women showed up to listen to what I had to say and let me coach them! I love increasing the love in the world!

Photo by Tyler Nix on Unsplash

Since it was a success, I thought I would summarize a few key points I taught. It IS Valentines Day after all!

  1. Love is a feeling. Feelings come from our thoughts. Therefore, if you want to feel more love, you need to think loving thoughts. Easy-peasy, right? <wink, wink>
  2. We are all 100% lovable— able to be loved. This comes from God. It is set. No one can become more lovable.
  3. Lovable is not to be confused with lovability, or your ability to love. Our spouse might be lovable, but our ability to love them might be diminished. There are many reasons why. You are 100% lovable, but that doesn’t mean your spouse has 100% capacity to love you. This is not about you, it is about your spouse.
  4. Unconditional love is loving no matter what. This is a skill that can be developed and it does NOT come naturally. So if you find someone difficult to love unconditionally, (that teenager maybe?) just know that it is normal for it to be difficult but you can work on it.
  5. Practicing unconditional love on others enables us to love ourselves unconditionally. Self-love is the answer to just about any relationship issue. Applying 1-4 to ourselves is self-love.
  6. Self-protection, the need for revenge, judging others and having rules for people in our lives all keep us from loving unconditionally. But there is never a good reason to NOT love.
  7. When we love, we are the ones that get to feel that love. It doesn’t jump into another person’s body. This means we can love people if even they don’t want us to or when logically it seems wrong. When we love people, we are the ones that feel the love.

If this helped you at all and you want more detail, I recorded my class from yesterday and I would LOVE to share it with you. Email me at denitabremercoaching at gmail dot com, or follow me on instagram (@denitabremercoaching) and DM me there so I can send it to you.

Happy Valentine’s Day!

5 steps to combat this epidemic of loneliness

I often hear women say that they don’t feel like they belong. Younger women, older women, those who never married, career women, those who long for children and stay-at-home moms. Age or status doesn’t seem to affect this epidemic of loneliness. The crafty women say they don’t fit in because they aren’t “hip” or “cool.” The career women don’t feel like they fit in because they aren’t available during the day for play dates and meet ups. The moms feel isolated from everyone because they are tethered to home, reliant upon nap times and feeding schedules. The single women are different because they were never able to find a spouse. Everyone feels lonely and nobody seems to want to take the first step to overcome it!

In this age of “social” media, we are more lonely than ever. Online tools are great for facilitating social activities, but showing up in person is still required if you want to meet new people or continue your current friendships, at least at a minimum level.

So what do we do about this epidemic of loneliness? Depression and anxiety are sky-high. The pressures of our western culture are driving us apart– and toward mental illness!

Just like everything else I teach, it has to be up to the individual. You only have control of you. You can’t wait for someone else to invite you over– that might never happen. Not because there aren’t people out there that want to get to know you, but because they don’t know who you are! You have to overcome your fear and put yourself out there. Define who you are so that your tribe will know!

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I have lived most of my life feeling separate and different from everybody else. I would always complain to my husband late at night before we each drifted off to sleep, about how the other moms didn’t like me. Nobody seemed to reciprocate my invitations. I talked too much and was too outspoken. Eventually I got to a place where I thought I didn’t need any friends, per se, because I had long-distance friendships and it was okay that I only had a few girlfriends. I tried to cover my feelings of loneliness with an “I don’t need them anyway” attitude. But deep down, I still craved more friendship and face-to-face interaction. I wanted people to want to be around me. Essentially, I wanted to know that I mattered to someone other than my husband and my kids.

Then I realized that I wasn’t the kind of person I would want to hang out with! I was showing up in my life in a way that didn’t invite others in. When I had thoughts about how others didn’t like me, or how I said the wrong thing, it would make me feel insecure and shy. When I felt insecure and shy, I tended to clamp my mouth shut and stay in the safety of the corner at a gathering. I probably gave off that “Don’t talk to me” vibe.

Well of course few people befriended me! My actions were probably scaring them away– and these actions stemmed from those thoughts about other people not liking me. And the kicker? Most likely my thoughts were pure fiction.

I’d like to offer 5 steps that you can implement into your life to combat the loneliness you feel:

  1. Take ownership over your own feelings. Feelings come from a thought you are having. Nobody is making you feel lonely except you. When you think thoughts like “I am lonely,” or “Nobody wants to be around me” or “I have no friends,” you will most likely feel lonely. Those thoughts aren’t serving you, even if they are true. Could you think something like “I just haven’t found my people yet” instead?
  2. Put yourself out there. People who love you just the way you are, wait patiently for you to reveal yourself to them. Make the first invitation. Host the party. Tell others your passions and desires.
  3. Be the kind of person you would want to spend time with. When you do this you will be a magnet for the exact people you seek.
  4. Brave rejection. It’s probably going to happen. But it doesn’t mean you don’t matter. Don’t make everything mean something about you; maybe that other person is just having a bad day, or even a bad year!
  5. If someone doesn’t like you, don’t take it personally. You are like a peach. A perfectly ripe and juicy peach. Anyone who doesn’t want to eat that would be crazy! But you know what? There might be people out there who just don’t like peaches. And that’s ok.

Thank you to Laura Tremaine and her 10 Things to Tell You podcast for starting this conversation. She is doing great things– follow her on instagram or listen to her podcast.

Are you feeling lonely? If so, reach out to me and start a friendly conversation by commenting. I would love to connect and talk about how we can overcome this epidemic of loneliness together. It takes a tribe, friends.

Until next time, don’t text and drive!

The Journey Begins 12.31.18

Thanks for joining me! As we turn the page on a new year, my hope is that I will be able to share all the secret-to-the-universe goodness I have learned on my way to becoming an amazing life coach. These tools have made a huge difference in my own life and I am eager to help others feel more confidence and joy in their daily lives too!

There are endless ways to help other people. Ultimately, you will find I focus most on those problems I have either triumphed over, or are still fresh in my life. I am not a “sage from the stage” but a “guide from the side” as Marie Forleo says. I am sure you have as much to teach me as I have to teach you!

I have been a stay-at-home mom for over 15 years now. In fact, my oldest turned 15 today! I also have a 12 year old and a 10 year old- two daughters and a son. I have been married for 17.5 years at the time of this writing and consider myself to be happily married to a wonderful man. But that doesn’t mean that it has all been easy sailing. I am also a member of the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-Day Saints. It’s not a straight-forward Utah born story; in fact I have only been to Utah three times and my husband is a convert. I hope to share some of these stories along this journey.

Stick around and make a comment to give me some accountability. Tell me what you think or let me know what you’d like to know. I truly look forward to getting to know you!

Good company in a journey makes the way seem shorter. — Izaak Walton

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