Episode 57: The How to Unconditional Love

How do you love someone who doesn’t act the way you want them to? 

The short answer is: it’s hard but you can do it. It requires patience and courage and mental fortitude.

Learning unconditional love is one of my primary lessons in life. In this episode, I’m sharing what I’ve learned through many experiences of people not showing up the way I want and choosing to love them anyway.

I talk about what gets in our way of loving unconditionally (hint: it’s our incapacity to move towards negative emotion), and mention several examples from my life.

I believe if we can get this one skill down, the rest of life will be much easier. Listen in.

Denita

If you want to schedule a free session with me, click here.
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Episode 56: Getting Specific with your Goal and Other Things

It’s that time of year when everyone is talking about goals and intentions and words-of-the-year. And most of us know that these things usually fail within a few weeks. But why? One reason is because we don’t get specific enough with our goals or intentions, so our brain doesn’t know what to do and so we do nothing. Sound familiar? What does it mean to “do a morning routine?” Or “get healthy?” Or “make money?” These goals are way too broad. What you need is something like “write for 5 minutes at 7:30 am at my office desk.” Or “go for a walk every day immediately after taking the kids to school.” Your brain knows how to do those things!

In this episode, I outline a 5 step process to take you from a general intention to a specific process so you know what to do and when to do it. It was sparked from a discussion inside my 1% Habits Group, which you can join for a few more days (through January 15th). It’s only $25 for 3 MONTHS. We are identifying the right habit based on identity. And sustainable growth is the name of the game.

Much of what I mention in this episode is based off of the work done by James Clear in his book Atomic Habits. So if you like that, you’ll like this. 

Here are the steps, but in the episode, I give a lot more context and examples:
1. Identify the outcome you want (this is the general goal that’s too broad for your brain).
2. Ask why you want to do the outcome you want. Then after that answer, ask why 4 more times, or until you get to a feeling or an identity. Turn feelings into an identity statement.
3. Then take that identity and ask “If you were already , how would you be in the world?” Then ask how? 4 more times or until you get to a concrete task.
4. Ask, “What habits would support me in this?”
5. Lastly, take the habit you come up with and ask, “How will I know when I’ve completed it?” “When and where will I complete this task?”

I really enjoyed this episode; I hope you do too!

Denita

Join my 1% Habits group, $25 for 3 months. Check out this Instagram post, and then join HERE.
If you’re ready to become the best you at what you do, schedule a free session.
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Episode 55: Personality Blueprint Part 6 – Find Your Why

Our final Personality Blueprint installment and we are talking about one sentence that sums up your purpose. The Find Your Why exercise, made popular by Simon Sinek, helps you understand who you are at your natural best, and what your contribution and impact in the world is. 

I, personally, found this exercise to be enlightening, like values on steroids. My why statement has helped me to focus my life and my business.

Listen in as I describe the process and give you 4 of my takeaways.

I also mention what is going on in Denita Bremer Coaching right now:
I am turning this Personality Blueprint into a workbook and a coaching package, probably around 6 sessions. Stay tuned (or get on my email list!) to hear when that is ready to go.

Helpful links:
Schedule a free session
Join my 1% Habits Group
Find Your Why book
Start with Why book
Simon Sinek

Have I told you how grateful I am that you are tuning it? Because I am. I hope the content I provide helps you as much as it helps me!

Denita

Episode 54: Personality Blueprint Part 5 – Know Your Values

Knowing your values makes your life easier. You are already living by your values subconsciously, but making them conscious helps you make better decisions, feel more confident, and create a strong self-image. 

This is one of my favorite exercises. 

In this episode, I explain why it’s useful to know your values and how to do that:

What: Our values are the guiding principles that give our lives meaning and determine how we live. Understanding your values can help you understand yourself and your motivations, however you still get to decide who you are.

Why?

Google search: (Psychology Today)

  • Reduce stress
  • Boosts decision making and problem solving skills
  • Inspire better habits
  • Help you act more assertively
  • Communicate with compassion
  • Bolsters confidence
  • Enhances intimacy
  • Help you find your purpose (lifehack.org)
  • Help clear out the clutter of life
  • Help develop a sense of self
  • Uncover where you are following someone else and where you are following your own path/desires.

How this has helped me:

Sense of who I am without shoulds or other people’s ideas.

Focused my efforts

Help me notice when I am acting from my intuition vs action from logic.

How to actually learn your values:

Website: https://personalvalu.es/
Or fill out my Values Discovery Workbook.

Questions to help you whittle your list of values. (Use these when you have your list of values down to 10-20.) Thanks to Kim Job for these ideas.
Imagine I have a magic values wand. It will give you what you want in the following questions, but it requires payment of one value that will no longer guide you.
1. Think back to a time when you really hurt someone. You can go back and make it right, but you must give up one (or more) of your values.
2. Think of a life decision you’d love to fulfill. Getting married, making a million dollars, buying a house, etc. This decision will be guaranteed with the wave of the magic values wand, but you must give up one (or more) values. Which value(s) do you let go of?
3. You can fully fund a charitable organization of your choice… for one of your values. Which value(s) do you let go of?
4. You can guarantee the health of a loved one… for the price of one value. Which do you let go of?
5. Which emotion do you most hate feeling? You will be guaranteed to never feel that emotion again, with the wave of the values wand, when you let go of one value. Which one is it?
6. You can bring someone you love back to life for one day. Which value do you exchange for this opportunity?
7. Have you ever wanted a superpower like being able to read minds, fly, or create fire? You can have it… for one value, which is it?

Download my Values Discovery Workbook below and you’ll be added to my email list (unless you unsubscribe- which you are totally welcome to!) and be the first to know about any upcoming opportunities to work with me using these personality tools. If you already know you want to get to know yourself better and work with me in that way, sign up for a free session (also below)!

Download my Values Discovery Workbook.

Schedule a free session.

Denita

Episode 53: Personality Blueprint Part 4- The Enneagram

Today we dive into an overview of the enneagram and how it can help you understand yourself.

This particular framework is one of the most complicated to explain and understand. BUT it also has some amazing payoffs when you do.

Listen in if you are new to the enneagram, or if you are familiar but want to learn a few new things (I did myself prepping for this episode!)

A few things we cover:

Overview of Enneagram

Type summaries:

Type One is principled, purposeful, self-controlled, and perfectionistic.

Type Two is generous, demonstrative, people-pleasing, and possessive.

Type Three is adaptable, excelling, driven, and image-conscious.

Type Four is expressive, dramatic, self-absorbed, and temperamental.

Type Five is perceptive, innovative, secretive, and isolated.

Type Six is engaging, responsible, anxious, and suspicious.

Type Seven is spontaneous, versatile, acquisitive, and scattered.

Type Eight is self-confident, decisive, willful, and confrontational.

Type Nine is receptive, reassuring, complacent, and resigned.

The Centers- each type is focused on assets and liabilities within their center

8,9,1 Instinctive center, dominant emotion is anger

2,3,4 Feeling center, dominant emotion is shame

5,6,7 Thinking center, dominant emotion is fear

The Wing

Your basic type dominates your overall personality, while the wing complements it and adds important, sometimes contradictory, elements to your total personality. Most enneagram experts agree that you have a dominant wing, but it is possible to have no wing or to have both wings show up equally in your personality.

The Levels of Development

Healthy, Average, Unhealthy- three levels in each section

a measure of our capacity to be present.

Directions of Integration (Growth) and Disintegration (Stress)

The inner lines of the Enneagram connect the types in a sequence that denotes what each type will do under different conditions. There are two lines connected to each type, and they connect with two other types. One line connects with a type that represents how a person of the first type behaves when they are moving toward health and growth. This is called the Direction of Integration or Growth. The other line goes to another type that represents how the person is likely to act out if they are under increased stress and pressure—when they feel they are not in control of the situation. This second line is called the Direction of Stress or Disintegration. In other words, different situations will evoke different kinds of responses from your personality. You will respond or adapt in different directions, as indicated by the lines of the Enneagram from your basic type.

The Three Instincts

We each have a self-preservation instinct (for preserving the body and its life and functioning), a sexual instinct (for extending ourselves in the environment and through the generations), and a social instinct (for getting along with others and forming secure social bonds).

Self-Preservation types are concerned with having enough resources to meet life’s demands. Tend to be more grounded, practical, serious, and introverted

Sexual types have an intense drive for stimulation and a constant awareness of the “chemistry” or energy between themselves and others. Tend to be more aggressive, competitive, charged, and emotionally intense

Social types are highly aware of other people and their impact on them. They tend to be warmer, more open, engaging, and socially responsible.

Summary: Ultimately, the goal is for each of us to “move around” the Enneagram, integrating what each type symbolizes and acquiring the healthy potentials of all the types. The ideal is to become a balanced, fully functioning person who can draw on the power (or from the Latin, “virtue”) of each as needed. Each of the types of the Enneagram symbolizes different important aspects of what we need to achieve this end. The personality type we begin life with is therefore less important ultimately than how well (or badly) we use our type as the beginning point for our self-development and self-realization.

Helpful Links:
https://www.truity.com/enneagram/what-is-enneagram
https://www.enneagraminstitute.com/how-the-enneagram-system-works
Free tests:
https://www.truity.com/test/enneagram-personality-test
https://www.crystalknows.com/enneagram-test
Podcasts: (I especially recommend the first one with Ian Cron.)
https://enneagramgift.com/enneagram-podcasts/

Schedule a free session to partner with me to understand yourself better.
Denita

Episode 52: Personality Blueprint CliftonStrengths

I have absolutely loved learning about my CliftonStrengths. I wish I would have discovered it sooner. Knowing my strengths has helped me to tailor my life, and especially my business, to me instead of trying to change myself to fit somebody else’s definition of success.

In this episode, I give an overview of the CliftonStrengths, explain why it’s useful to know yours, and outline my top 5 strengths as an example of what you will know and understand about yourself.

My top strengths are 1. Learner, 2. Restorative 3. Intellection 4. Input 5. Discipline. Tune in to find out what that means!

Useful links:
Learn more about taking your strengths test.
Get on my email list to be the first to learn about a new coaching opportunity relating to these personality frameworks.
Schedule a free session with me to talk through your strengths.

Episode 51: Personality Blueprint Part 2 – MBTI

Do you know what your Myers Briggs letters are? Do you even know what I’m referring to when I say that?

I learned my Myers Briggs type over 10 years ago and I’ve been learning more and more about it ever since. The Myers Briggs Type Indicator is one of the most popular tools in understanding your personality. It is a framework backed by decades of research.

My biggest understanding of the value of knowing my personality came when I typed my oldest child and realized for one of the letters, we were on exact opposite ends of the spectrum. Something clicked into place in my mind, and I started relating to her differently after that, and our relationship has been better for it.

I’ve also been able to drop much of the shame about who and how I am by understanding myself and how I am wired by default.

I hope you get a little glimpse of the same for yourself as I give you a big overview on the Myers Briggs Type Indicator. I am not an expert or an MBTI coach, but it is a tool that I love. Listen in to episode 51 to learn more, and hopefully be able to apply some of that understanding to your life today.

Denita

Helpful links:
Explore this site for technical and in-depth explanations
Check out this site to take a free test and more general explanations
Connect with me to find out more about this coaching offer
Go to my website to get on my email list or schedule a free session

Episode 50: Personality Blueprint Part 1, Gretchen Rubin’s 4 Tendencies

I have always been a personality geek– at least since being an adult and taking psychology classes in college. So it was surprising to me when I realized that not everyone is into these frameworks, and many people who are interested in learning more about themselves have never taken the time to delve into them.

This started out as simply something that sounded fun to me. What if I walked someone else through some of the personality frameworks I have learned about, and that have helped me?

So I offered it to a couple of my past clients. These are ladies I worked with for a full year and still have a friendship with. I thought it would be fun and useful to them as well. It was just an experiment, so I offered as a free service.

Their impressions blew me away. They both told me how much it has helped them and changed the way they think of themselves. Even after an entire year of coaching with me!

And I started seeing how it could have really supported my coaching with them, if I had known these details from the beginning. Basically, it would help me understand how to approach coaching, and have a better context of what might be worth doing the mindset work around, and what might not.

I call it the Personality Blueprint. And it helps you learn about how you are wired by default. (This is totally up for debate, as personality is shaped by life experiences too.)

We dive into 6 personality tools to help us better understand ourselves:

  1. Gretchen Rubin’s 4 Tendencies (that’s what I discuss in today’s episode)
  2. Meyer’s Briggs Type Indicator
  3. Enneagram
  4. Top 5 CliftonStrengths
  5. Values Discovery
  6. Find Your Why Exercise (by Simon Sinek)

We use what we learn to create a blueprint for you navigating real life; a way for you to “stack your circumstances” as much as possible to make life easier and more joyful for yourself.

In Part 1, I explain Gretchen Rubin’s 4 Tendencies framework. Some links you may want to explore:

You can take the quiz here: https://quiz.gretchenrubin.com
The Venn diagram is here: https://images.app.goo.gl/vZy6GQ2HCa719px9A
Upholder explained: https://quiz.gretchenrubin.com/wp-content/uploads/sites/3/2018/08/Upholder-Report.pdf
Obliger explained: https://quiz.gretchenrubin.com/wp-content/uploads/sites/3/2018/08/Obliger-Report.pdf
Rebel explained: https://quiz.gretchenrubin.com/wp-content/uploads/sites/3/2021/06/Rebel-Report.pdf
Questioner explained: https://quiz.gretchenrubin.com/wp-content/uploads/sites/3/2018/08/Questioner-Report.pdf

I would love to know: have you heard about the 4 tendencies before? Do you find them useful? What tendency are you? Do you have any questions? Feel free to connect with me on Instagram or set up a free session to talk about your results and how you can use them in your life! Coming in 2022 will be an 8-week Personality Blueprint coaching package. Stay tuned if that is interesting to you.

Enjoy!
Denita

Episode 49: How I’m Doing it Wrong

In this episode, you’ll get a little bit of a taste of how I am in my coaching business. I discuss 12 (or maybe 11? I lost count!) ways I’m doing it wrong, or at least different from other coaches I know.

How are you doing your work in the world “wrong” according to outside standards? Can you give yourself permission to do it wrong or do you shame and guilt yourself as you are doing it?

Tell me below one way you do your work in the world wrong!

Denita

And if you want to schedule a free session with me, sign up HERE. I would love to help you.

Episode 48: What’s Essential: Identity & Purpose of Mothers

 

I’ve been thinking about what is really essential. Like, if I just chose ONE thing and put all my effort and attention there, what would be the ONE thing?
Identity and purpose for moms. 

I know that sounds like two things, but I explain how it’s really one thing in the episode.

And what are the obstacles that prevent us from knowing our identity and purpose? Or if we know it, from living it?

Fear, doubt and confusion. 

These are both spiritual obstacles and emotional obstacles. 

I have some theories as to the antidotes, which I also discuss in the episode.

But basically- I’ll reiterate what is in the intro: when you know who you are, you can be the best you at what you do.

Mentioned in this episode:
Greg McKeown
Henry B. Eyring
Bonnie Cordon
Julie B. Beck

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