This week I heard that research shows that among all mammal young, the young play until one gets hurt. This caused me to reflect on my own experience with this, AND what happens when you aren’t allowed to play until someone gets hurt? Trust, boundaries, identity, using our voices, and shame (of course) all come up in this short episode.
From a young age, I have always been in a hurry to get to the future:
I can’t wait to graduate high school and leave this town.
Then, I can’t wait until college.
Then, I can’t wait until I am married.
Then, I can’t wait until I have kids.
Then, I can’t wait until the diapering stage is all done.
Then, I can’t wait until they can make their own food.
Then, I can’t wait until the teen years are over!
And on and on.
Now that I have decided to start my own business, it’s all about when my business is fully off the ground and how much money I am making.
This comes from the belief that when you get “there,” life will be better.
But it’s not true.
Because when you get “there” you will still have your current brain.
Your brain will still see things the same way.
There will always be something else that comes up; a new problem to deal with.
This is really clear with money. No matter how much money one makes, their expenses seem to grow to fit the income.
So what if “here” is just as good as “there?”
Would there still be a rush?
I think this is why gratitude is so powerful. It helps us see that “here” is amazing.
The whole point is to have joy all along the way, right?
If we are in a rush to get to the next thing, are we really enjoying the now?
The results we get from an emotion of urgency won’t be nearly as good as results that come from fulfillment, joy or just plain ol’ desire.
Here’s an amazing quote to end on:
Sometimes anxiety sprouts not from how much we want, but how quickly we want it, how desperately we are trying to rush through the course of our lives. Who cares if you don’t achieve that big, huge thing this year? Would it be any less incredible next year? Or the one after that? What if, instead of pressuring yourself to achieve everything, right now, you committed instead to working toward your dreams every single day, a little at a time?
My challenge to myself and to everyone else who can relate is to stop rushing.
Commit along with me to working toward your dreams every single day, a little at a time.
How do you get your husband to stop asking, nagging, initiating or pouting about sex?
The easiest way?
So what comes up for you when I say that? Why aren’t you doing that already?
Maybe he doesn’t deserve it? (This came up for one of my clients today.)
Is your reason that you don’t feel connected to him, so you don’t feel like having sex?
Do you think he will ask even more and then you will have to have sex even more and it will be a never-ending cycle that you can’t get out of??
Let’s take these one by one.
Time. How long does it really take to have sex? Let’s face it, this is just an excuse. Time isn’t a REAL issue for most of us. See my last post for more evidence!
And if time is a real issue for you, then it’s just a matter of prioritizing your time. What is most important, second most, etc?
Energy. I’m feeling the tough love tonight– If you spent less energy thinking and fuming about sex, you would have more for sex. The underlying belief here is that sex TAKES energy. But what if you are wrong? What if it actually gives you energy? Why would you keep yourself from that?
There are activities that drain us and activities that energize us. It all depends on your thoughts about the activity. So if you can get to a place where you love sex… just sayin’…. it might be energizing!
But really. What if your husband isn’t taking from you but giving to you? What if you are looking at it all wrong?
He doesn’t deserve it. If you are thinking this, there is a good chance you are in a parent-child dynamic with your husband. And who the heck wants to have sex with their kid? Umm, not me. This feels like a responsibility, a heaviness. Your brain is gonna want to get far away from that. What if pleasure is not something we deserve or earn with good behavior? What if pleasure is just something we naturally seek and then it’s just about what we want or don’t want– the type of pleasure we are up for? The scriptures say that Men are that they might have joy. We are created for joy, and that often comes from pleasure.
So again, what if you are looking at it all wrong? He doesn’t deserve it or not deserve it. And neither do you! This is just about pleasure, connection and desire. What do you want? (And do you see that when you withhold sex from him, you are also withholding sex/pleasure from you? Even if you don’t enjoy sex yet… the promise of future pleasure with practice is being delayed for yourself.)
Connection. Yes. Connection leads to intimacy. But intimacy also leads to connection. It’s a self-reinforcing cycle. Either you have to have connection first. Or you have to have sex first. Depends on your desire type (responsive vs. spontaneous) as to which way you will prefer.
Also: connection is a feeling. Feelings come from our thoughts. You can create connection by thinking loving thoughts about your husband. Try focusing on what you love about him. What do you appreciate? What would you miss if he were gone? Boom. Connection.
Here’s the thing. It’s so much easier to give the power of our emotions away to other people. Then we don’t have to work at it. But it’s much more satisfying to do the work ourselves and create the feelings we want on purpose. It’s not easy, but it is powerful. I promise it will help you feel more connected to yourself and therefore more connected to your husband.
The never-ending cycle. OK, so right now you are just having sex the bare minimum in order to shut him up about it already. Your heart probably isn’t really in it; it’s just a physical act for you. This is like eating bread every meal. It’s not filling. What if you had sex more often but you still aren’t that into it? Like having more bread meals. What if you have sex and you decide to be all in? After all, if you are going to do it, you might as well do it right! This is like meat and potatoes meals. You might be surprised, but your husband likely doesn’t want sex just for the sexual release. It means something to him too. He wants you to be into it! He wants to be filled up. He wants to feel loved and like you mean it. When you can get to that place (and I assure you, you can if you want to), he will likely want sex less often because the “filling meal” will last longer.
Maybe I am wrong and his desire is off the hook. In that case I want you to recognize that you always have a choice. You don’t ever have to have sex, even with your husband. So if you are having sex even if you “don’t really want to,” the alternative is worse than the sex to your brain. What’s the alternative? Only you can answer that.
*Another way you could get him to stop asking for sex is to get divorced. There are always alternatives my friend.
Man, I love this work. I love helping women love their sex lives which leads them to love themselves more so they can love everyone around them more. Come join my coaching program so you can get amazing results in your life. I promise it’ll be worth it.
With it being the Sabbath, I wanted to give you some thoughts about sex in religion and how the two can go together.
Many women have this belief that sex is dirty or wrong. But it is also the way to create children, which are “an heritage of the Lord.” Sometimes the messages around sex, coming from religion get a little mixed up.
God created man and woman. If God is a perfect, and he created our bodies, then our bodies are perfect. The female body has a tiny little organ that is meant strictly for pleasure: the clitoris. Why would God create the female body with a clitoris, in which the only purpose is pleasure, if he didn’t want women to have pleasure during sex?
Your sexuality is an essential part of you. It’s like the color of your eyes, your preference for certain foods, etc. I believe God wants us to each love ourselves and see our true potentials and work toward them. But what happens when we try to repress or ignore an essential part of our selves? (It doesn’t feel good!) We can’t work toward something we are ignoring.
If part of our identity as a child of God is to be good and pure or righteous, and we think that sex is dirty or shameful, then the two are in opposition to each other. We have to first accept sex as something that God wants for us– something that can help us to reach our potential. We must view sex as beautiful and good. It has to align with our identity for it to feel good and bring us closer to God.
What if sex was akin to the sacrament? Partaking of the sacrament is eating a symbolic piece of bread and drinking a symbolic sip of water. They represent Christ’s body and blood, respectively. We actually ingest them into our bodies as a way to literally become more like Christ. We have to allow “Christ” to enter our bodies. When we have sex, we are allowing someone else’s body to enter our bodies. It requires openness and vulnerability. When two people willingly partake in this activity together with shared goals, it brings them closer together. They share a part of their souls with one another. Biologically speaking, oxytocin in released during this process, which quite literally bonds them together. (This, in my opinion, is one reason we are taught to keep sex within marriage. Complete fidelity could suggest bonding in this way with only one person.)
Of course, I have no way of knowing the mind of God. But these ideas help me to think of sex as a holy, sacred act that brings me closer to my husband and also closer to God. I love the simple image of a triangle with husband, wife, and God at each corner. When we individually try to get closer to God, we naturally become closer to one another. And when we try to become closer to each other, we naturally become closer to God.
Thinking of sex this way helps me drop any guilt, shame or negativity in general and compels me to try to make sex a regular part of my marriage. I hope the same is true for you!
Are there sexual desire differences in your marriage?
Chances are you just said “Yes.”
Because it’s virtually impossible to be perfectly matched.
So what can you do about it?
Most people want to change their desire.
Society tells us that the lower desire partner should increase their desire.
(Because clearly, that’s the “better” way to do sexual desire.)
Why would you want to change your desire?
Really think about that.
Would it make things easier?
Would it mean that you are a better, less broken person, and whatever is wrong is now fixed?
Would life just be better?
When we think things will be better on the other side, we are robbing ourselves of the joy of now.
Because the truth?
Accepting and loving yourself exactly the way you are right now is the key to “better.”
And then you may want to change. Or you might now. But it will be because you want to, not because you think it will make things better.
The energy behind your action makes a difference friends.
PS. Can I ask a favor? I am about to embark upon 30 blog posts in 30 days. Would you comment or email me what questions or topics you would like addressed regarding loving your sex life more? I would be ever grateful.
PPS. I go deeper into this topic in my weekly newsletter this week. If you are interested in learning more, click here.