When Striving to Be Better Backfires

Are you always striving and trying to improve?
Do you hold yourself to high standards? 
Do you deeply want to do your best? 
Do you find yourself wondering if you are doing the right thing? If there is a better way?
What if there is no “best?”
What if there is no “better way?”
What if “perfect” is just an illusion?
What if we are asking the wrong questions? 
When we think about doing our best, it assumes we aren’t our best already.
When we wonder if there is a better way, we assume the current way is not good enough. 
Always striving for higher standards implies we are not already good enough.
These underlying beliefs leave us feeling depleted, defeated, hopeless and helpless. 
From these emotions, we do LESS, smaller.
Perhaps you will say, “But it’s TRUE!” 
I ask— Is it USEFUL?
Take a moment. Take a breath.
You are enough.
Right now, exactly as you are. Flaws and all.
If you can allow yourself to believe that, you will feel love, hope, confidence, and motivation. 
From those emotions you will be able to get so much more accomplished and become so much more than feeling the need to always do your best. 
Accept the way you are now and watch yourself do more than you’ve ever been able to do before.

The Productivity Trap

Thinking productivity will create your feelings or make you feel better is a trap.

When we accomplish something, we might feel better for a moment, but the effect is temporary. So then we have to do more and more to feel better and better. It leaves us feeling exhausted and confused.

We use willpower to get stuff done, which is why we are perpetually tired. Then when we are tired, we don’t get as much done. We are consistently falling short of what we know we are capable of.

This leads to shame, because there is a disconnect between what we believe about ourselves and what our actual results are.

Then we want to feel better. So we think, “Doing something will make me feel better!”

And the cycle continues.

The Productivity Trap

This Productivity Trap is draining and makes us want to give up because we can never quite reach our goal in a way that feels good.

There is a better way. I call this Positive Productivity:

  1. Decide what you want, and make sure you like your reasons. Don’t do anything IN ORDER TO feel better.
  2. Commit to it.
  3. Do the next thing on the path that you think will get you to your goal.
  4. Take action despite your feelings… you will have negative emotion, but it is not a sign to quit. (This is where mindset work comes in.)
  5. Evaluate.
  6. Repeat steps 3-6.

Each of these steps is much more nuanced than what I can outline in one blog post, but if you follow these steps, coaching yourself around your emotions as you go along, you will be able to be productive and feel good while you do it. In fact your emotions will FUEL your action instead of your action DRAINING you.

If you want to get out of the Productivity Trap and into Positive Productivity, schedule a free consultation with me. My program will help you feel better so you can get stuff done without exhaustion or doubt to create the life you really want.

From Love Instead of For Love

Do you ever get frustrated because you can’t seem to DO the things you want to accomplish? I am right there with you!

Gretchen Rubin might call you an obliger, a personality who puts your own expectations last on your to-do list. Your personal goals or resolutions never come to fruition because you don’t stick to your plan. Then you get frustrated or discouraged and give up. But inevitably your drive to always be improving and striving leads you to restart those goals or new ones. And the cycle continues.

This has been the story of my life, and I just recently realized WHY. Another coach showed me how the root of this problem is that I don’t trust myself. I blame or deflect all results to something outside of me. I’m always looking for answers outside of myself. I don’t trust myself to make real decisions or know the answers… because if I fail, well then it would be my fault and THAT would feel like shame.

I’m constantly using willpower to accomplish what does get done. These tasks are usually fueled by a sense of obligation, not love or joy.

All of this because I can’t trust myself, because (let’s face it) I don’t much LIKE myself. I’m always trying to prove my worth by PERFORMING, but I can’t fully perform because I don’t trust myself to do what’s “right.” I’m on a mission to heal my trust with myself. I want to invite you to join me on this mission if any of this resonates with you.

What if— all this time— you have always been totally, completely enough… and there is nothing to prove? What if everything you do could be FROM love instead of FOR love? Imagine how much you would accomplish when there is no self-loathing. What would you spend your time on instead? We would be able to do our true work in the world instead of always overcoming ourselves!

👆🏻👆🏻👆🏻
I am ALL IN on that! Are you?

Why I am a life coach

Yesterday I watched a Simon Sinek Tedx talk about knowing your why.

It got me thinking about my why.

This is what I realized (while I was in the temple).

I want to share it with you:

I deeply believe that our deepest purpose is to learn who we are and become more. That is Heavenly Father’s plan for us.

How do we become more? There are so many ways. The way I’ve figured out is through life coaching. Life coaching helps us see what we are thinking and believing, so that we can remove any belief that is preventing us from growing.

What happens when we do this? We become more confident. We love ourselves more. We experience genuine joy. 

Genuine JOY. 

That is the purpose.

The clients I work with understand their identity more, see their value better, gain confidence and are able to set and reach goals.

I love seeing their results!

If this sounds like something you want, email me or sign up for a free consult call. I will show you what is getting in your way and help you make a plan to address it.

And if you want to watch a video of me explaining my why, find me on Facebook at Denita Bremer Coaching. I have a free group there as well if you want to ask for free coaching.

When you feel pressure from your husband

I talked about pressure to have sex here, but I wanted to add to that a bit tonight.

I often hear women saying something to this effect:

“My husband has higher desire. I never feel like having sex. I have young kids and not a lot of time. I always feel so much pressure from my husband. If I am wearing make-up or dress nicely or even just kiss passionately, he will want sex, so I avoid those things. And then when I do agree to have sex, he seems to push me to do things that I don’t want to do and it makes me not want to have sex anymore.”*

If this describes your feelings about sex, I want you to think about this: why don’t you just say no? You don’t want to have sex, but you also don’t want to say no to sex.

Saying no to sex makes you feel guity.

Not saying no makes you feel pressure.

Your brain doesn’t like either of these options, but in this scenario, your brain would prefer the pressure to the guilt (because that is what you are feeling).

Feeling pressure keeps you from feeling guilt. Feeling guilt keeps you from feeling pressure.

I also want to teach you that pressure comes from your THOUGHTS.

IT DOESN’T COME FROM YOUR HUSBAND.

If a stranger came up to you and asked for sex, you wouldn’t feel any guilt for saying no. And if you didn’t actually say no, you wouldn’t feel any pressure. Maybe disgust or fear or any other number of feelings, but pressure likely wouldn’t be one of them. This is because you wouldn’t care what a stranger is thinking or feeling.

Pressure comes from your thoughts about what your husband is thinking or feeling.

Photo by Velizar Ivanov on Unsplash

Of course, our husbands’ opinions matter to us in so many ways.

But whether or not we “should” have sex doesn’t have to be one of them.

What if your husband could your grab your butt…

or you could kiss him passionately…

or you could wear whatever the heck you want…

and you wouldn’t feel pressure or guilt?

It’s not your job to manage your husband’s emotions.

I promise when you stop trying to make him feel a certain way and expecting him to make you feel a certain way, you will start focusing on what you really desire and the pressure will go away. Your relationship will grow to the next level.

This is not selfish because in the end, your husband will also benefit from this shift.

Last thing. Of course he always wants to have sex with you! You are amazing! He thinks you’re hot! You are smart and the mother of his children! Why wouldn’t he want to have sex with you?? You got it goin’ on!

*I am referring to a loving, non-abusive relationship.

The one thing you are forgetting in all your relationship striving

Hey Lady,

I see you there.

I see how you are trying to do it all– be a good wife, mom, sister and daughter.

-Teach your kids well.

-Stay close to your husband so that your marriage is strong.

-Be there for your siblings.

-Accommodate your parents, even when it feels exhausting.

-Remember to pray, do scripture study and get to the temple “regularly.”

Relationships are important! Families are forever!

But sometimes you just want to hide or run away. (Not for real, just in your fantasy.) It feels like a heavy burden some days.

“People should be more important that stuff.”

And people are more important, you’re just forgetting a really important person in the equation of people and stuff.

You.

I know– that feels selfish.

We are socialized so hard on not being selfish, that when we do something for ourselves, we think we are being selfish.

Is it selfish that your daughter wants to keep doing gymnastics?

Or that your son enjoys baseball?

Or that your husband trains for that tough mudder?

Is it selfish that your parents want to take a trip for their anniversary and you won’t be celebrating with them?

Is it selfish that your sister and her husband are taking a trip and leaving their kids with you again?

No! None of these things are selfish. They are just preferences. Desires.

So how about it?

Your desires and preferences and needs are just as important as everyone else’s.

If you are feeling resentful, it is because in your mind, you are putting yourself as not as important. And because that isn’t true, it feels terrible.

So make yourself important.

It’s already the truth, you just gotta give yourself permission to start living it.

So what is it you would do just for you? (And let’s just pretend you don’t have to worry about money in this situation, ‘kay?)

Make time to write? Hire a house cleaner? Get a massage? Get back to dancing?

Dream big! Be honest!

Okay, so how can you do it? What’s getting in your way?

I know, you don’t have money for it. That’s the biggest complaint.

There’s a difference between making a temporary sacrifice and restricting your life.

I mean, what’s the purpose of your money if it’s not to pay for things that make life a meaningful life?

Sure, there are “necessities” like food, water and heat. I get that.

But if your finances are able to pay for anything beyond necessities, but you are miserable, then what’s the point?

And what if, by spending on that thing that will make you come alive, you can actually CREATE money for your family?

I know it might seem absurd, but when you are happy, you have less need for other things.

I just want you to think about it. What if you could afford it?

And the same holds true for time.

What if by taking better care of yourself, you actually create time in your life?

It could happen.

First, believe that you can find a way to make it work.

Second, love yourself enough to do it.

Third, go do it.

Go on. Don’t wait for me! Go be YOU!

XOXO,
Your life coach

If my clients can get vulnerable, I can too.

I have to tell you something private. This was not in my blogging plan. And it’s a little vulnerable– maybe borderline TMI. (Don’t tell my hubby that I wrote this out for the entire internet to read. Although we all know in his heart of hearts he would love to brag about this.) I figure if my clients can open up and be vulnerable, I can too.

Today has been a super full day. My girls leave for girl’s camp in the morning and they not only had to pack, but shop for clothes. There was a BBQ and voice lessons and piano lessons and grocery shopping and laundry and ALL. THE. THINGS.

But at one point I found myself making out with my husband. With two kids in the house. Awake.

So first of all Mama of little ones: know that it gets better. Those kids who need you constantly, who make you all “touched-out,” get to a point where you can leave them unsupervised for chunks of time.

We had a kid pick-up and drop-off to make, so the making-out had to be put on hold. He ran that kid around and when he got home… well…. {we had sex}. Again with kids in the house and awake. And it was good. (TMI?)

I share this because not too long ago, I would have never been able to do it. During the day, when it was light out, and kids. Kids! Awake!

I used to think I was too tired and busy. I used to think that if I had sex whenever he wanted it, we would constantly be in bed and I would never get anything done. I used to believe sex was for him.

No longer my friend. It only took us 15 minutes and I have been able to get everything done today that I had planned!

Who have I become?!

I have become a woman who loves her sex life. Who loves sex. Who’da-thunk?

I have been able to let go of so many obstacles to get to this point. And it is not a gimmick when I say that life coaching is what got me here. Because all those obstacles I speak of? They were all in my mind.

My husband and I have been blessed with a strong and passionate marriage. But I am still the lower/responsive desire in my marriage like so many of you are. Our sex life has not always been an easy thing for both of us.

But I am living proof that it CAN be.

I am filled with gratitude at this life of mine. I am literally living my dream. My marriage is amazing. I feel like I am a fabulous mom. Sure there are relationships I could work on, but these ones that I have contact with daily, if not by the minute are the ones I care the most about. This is the abundant life.

Friends, I invite you to schedule a free call with me. I’d love to show you how you can live your most abundant life. A great sex life is the proof. And if you aren’t ready for that, join my Facebook group, follow me on Instagram or Facebook or grab my free pdf to get yourself started on improving your sex mindset.

How do I feel sexy?

How do I feel sexy after having a baby?
How do I feel sexy while I am pregnant?
How do I feel sexy when I am having a bad hair day?
How do feel sexy when I am bloated?
How do I feel sexy when I want to lose weight?
How do I feel sexy when I haven’t exercised in a week?

How do I feel sexy? Period.

Two things:

  1. “Sexy” (in this case) is a FEELING. Feelings don’t come from how your body looks, what your partner thinks or anything else outside of you! Feelings come from your thoughts. It might seem like it comes from something else because your thoughts are so quick– like milliseconds, but they are there. Your thoughts might be so deeply embedded they don’t feel like thoughts, just truths that everyone would agree on, but they are still simply thoughts.
  2. What is the standard for what “sexy” even is? And who gets to decide? Is sexy tall, slim and tan? Or is it short, buxom and pale? Sexy is in the eye of the beholder. If your husband thinks you are sexy, then you are– to him. Everyone gets to decide what “sexy” is for themselves. EVERYBODY. Even you. So are you sexy?
Photo by Yuris Alhumaydy on Unsplash

If you aren’t feeling sexy right now but you’ve been able to feel sexy in the past, think about when you did feel sexy and what you were thinking about yourself. What if that were still true right now? Is it possible anyone in the whole wide world could think you are sexy right in this moment? Could you be wrong about not being sexy? Just open your mind to the possibility that maybe you are sexy and you just can’t see it… yet.

If you’ve never felt sexy, ask yourself why? List all the reasons. Where did those reasons come from? What if they are all completely wrong? When you don’t feel sexy, how do you act? Maybe you wear sweats or pjs all day. Maybe you don’t shower or put make-up on. Maybe you act in a way that doesn’t coincide with your version of sexy… and then your brain sees how unsexy you are. Perhaps your only obstacle to feeling sexy is the thought “I’m not sexy.” What if you just never thought that? How would things change?

If you can’t get yourself there— maybe you are like, “No. You don’t get it. I have all this extra skin and stretch marks. It just IS ugly and not sexy.” Take a step back and think about how that makes you feel. Thinking you, or some part of you, is ugly or frumpy probably feels disappointing or ugly or shameful. Then how do you act? You probably want to hide in some way or just go eat that chocolate ice cream in the freezer, or scroll social media where you get more evidence that you don’t compare to “sexy.” None of that makes you feel more sexy and the result is more guilt, shame, disappointment and evidence that you are not sexy.

Just notice that thinking that way is not getting you anywhere.

If you were sexy, how would you feel? When you feel that way how do you act? How do those actions impact you? Do you see how the belief always has to come first?

So. Maybe you won’t be able to just decide you are sexy. But can you get one step closer? Can you think something like “I’m not sexy– yet.” or “Someone out there would think I am sexy.” or “Sexy is as sexy does.”

How do you feel sexy? No matter what? You do the mindset work to believe you are sexy. It’s simple, but not easy.

***

What questions do you have about body image, feeling sexy or mindset? I would love to answer them in the comments or via email.

Sex is for men and other lies we tell ourselves.

Men need sex.

My husband can only have sex with me, so I have to have sex with him.

His sexual desire is higher than mine, so it’s up to me to meet his needs.

If he is frustrated it’s because I didn’t have sex with him.

It’s my responsibility to make him happy.

If I don’t have sex with him he will have an affair or want a divorce.

Sex is for men.

Photo by Connor Irwin on Unsplash

Do you believe any of these thoughts? If so, you are giving your sexual responsibility and power away to your husband. His feelings come from his thoughts, not from what you do or don’t do.

If you feel like you are having sex in order to manage your husband’s emotions, just stop right now. Find a better reason. Manage your own emotions first.

When you show up in your marriage as more authentically you, things will shift.

The energy– the WHY– behind your actions matters.

***

Does this post resonate with you? If so, you may want to check out my 20 Questions to Ask to Improve Your Sex Mindset.