Episode 27: The Laundromat

For 5 years we had no running water or electricity in our home. We had to haul water, and haul our laundry to and from the laundromat in the small town I grew up in. And over time, it became a surprisingly special place to me. 

In this episode, I talk about why it was special. And I talk about a few specific memories I have in relationship to the laundromat. 

I even mention a realization about laundry and the laundromat that help me today!

Do you have any special places in your life, similar to mine in this episode?

Thank you for rating, reviewing and sharing the podcast! If you wouldn’t mind doing me one more favor, I would appreciate it if you would fill out my survey: https://forms.gle/4S2uF9xRY6cgFp4c9

Episode 25: From Ugly to Beautiful

Many women (people) struggle with their body image. 

I used to think I was ugly. Even after 15+ years of my husband’s compliments and assurances, I still believed I was ugly. 

Until one day I had this realization. Listen in to hear what simple phrase- that we hear all the time- shifted things for me. 

And please fill out this questionnaire for a free coaching session: 
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XO,
Denita

Episode 15: Shame over my Teeth

Do you have that one part of your body that you just really don’t like? For me it has been my teeth since I was about 10 years old. I talk about it in this episode.

For you, it may be a different part of your body, but the feelings and principles might be the same.

If you are interested in exploring life coaching with me to address the shame you feel, schedule a free call here.

What I see in the mirror isn’t “right”

Yesterday, I looked in the mirror and I thought, “It doesn’t match what I see on the inside.” For basically my whole life I’ve thought I was ugly. But yesterday I realized ‘ugly’ wasn’t the right word. I don’t know the word for it. It’s just what I SEE isn’t “right.” Maybe the problem is in my physical-ness. I could straighten those teeth (again), finally cure that rosacea, get the right haircut, do my eyebrows, etc, etc.

Or maybe (likely) the problem is in HOW I interpret the data coming in at me. That’s the work I’ve been doing for a while (3 years? 1 year? 15 years?) I no longer think I am ugly— we’ve come a long way from that, but I’m still not “satisfied” so to speak.

Maybe this journey will never be done, but I do know that I am on a mission to love myself fiercely in every way.

One thing I notice is my pretty recent craving for bigger earrings. {Do you like these new ones from Estes Park?} Sometimes I want bright red lipstick. Sometimes I think about dying streaks of red or purple in that virgin hair. I’m 40, and it’s not a mid-life crisis, but a mid-life awakening. All things that I *think* might close the gap between how I look and how I feel. Because every day that passes I feel more like a strong, powerful, confident, smart, leader and coach. Every day that passes I gain a stronger desire to be loud— in one way or another.

What do you think? Does my look match my vibe? How about for you?

If you are ready to match what you see on the outside to what you feel on the inside, download my free Starter Guide to a Shame-proof Life here.

My dad lost his job and I thought it was my fault for 30 years.

When I was 5 years old, my dad lost his job.

I was awake, watching Looney Tunes, when I heard his alarm going off.

It continued for several minutes, so I carefully walked into my parents’ room where they were both passed out in their bed.

I remember standing there next to my Dad’s side of the bed, looking at him, looking at the alarm clock and not knowing what to do.

I remember thinking “Should I wake him up? His alarm is going off. But he’s an adult, so maybe he wants to sleep through his alarm? But then why would he set an alarm?”

It was an internal battle of not knowing what to do.

Then suddenly, my Dad’s eyes flew open and he looked at me, then looked at his alarm. He jumped out of bed and got dressed and out the door faster than anyone else I know.

I remember him asking me “Why didn’t you wake me up?”

I didn’t have an answer. I may have been perceptive, but I wasn’t yet able to put my thoughts and feelings to words.

He lost his job for being late one time.

Now I know he didn’t mean to blame me.
Now I know that it’s not a 5 year old’s job to wake her Dad up.
Now I know that my parent’s financial struggles had nothing to do with me.
Now I know I couldn’t have prevented any of my mother’s depression or my parent’s relationship problems.
Now I know none of it was my fault.

But for 30 years I thought it was my fault. For 30 years I thought I could have done something differently that would have changed the entire trajectory of my parent’s life and my life. For 30 years I was carrying guilt and shame that I didn’t need to carry.

Because nobody told me.

If you are carrying any guilt or shame from your past, I am here to tell you: it’s not your fault. Your choices wouldn’t have changed anything. It was all supposed to happen exactly that way.

If you have a life better than you expected, more than you dreamed of, you even have the Gospel of Jesus Christ, yet you still feel miserable, it might be because of guilt or shame you are unnecessarily carrying.

It’s time to put it down.

You’ll be better for it, I promise.

I’m launching a group coaching program January 27th. If you want to do the work of letting go of the shame, I invite you to schedule a free shame assessment here.

When Striving to Be Better Backfires

Are you always striving and trying to improve?
Do you hold yourself to high standards? 
Do you deeply want to do your best? 
Do you find yourself wondering if you are doing the right thing? If there is a better way?
What if there is no “best?”
What if there is no “better way?”
What if “perfect” is just an illusion?
What if we are asking the wrong questions? 
When we think about doing our best, it assumes we aren’t our best already.
When we wonder if there is a better way, we assume the current way is not good enough. 
Always striving for higher standards implies we are not already good enough.
These underlying beliefs leave us feeling depleted, defeated, hopeless and helpless. 
From these emotions, we do LESS, smaller.
Perhaps you will say, “But it’s TRUE!” 
I ask— Is it USEFUL?
Take a moment. Take a breath.
You are enough.
Right now, exactly as you are. Flaws and all.
If you can allow yourself to believe that, you will feel love, hope, confidence, and motivation. 
From those emotions you will be able to get so much more accomplished and become so much more than feeling the need to always do your best. 
Accept the way you are now and watch yourself do more than you’ve ever been able to do before.

The Productivity Trap

Thinking productivity will create your feelings or make you feel better is a trap.

When we accomplish something, we might feel better for a moment, but the effect is temporary. So then we have to do more and more to feel better and better. It leaves us feeling exhausted and confused.

We use willpower to get stuff done, which is why we are perpetually tired. Then when we are tired, we don’t get as much done. We are consistently falling short of what we know we are capable of.

This leads to shame, because there is a disconnect between what we believe about ourselves and what our actual results are.

Then we want to feel better. So we think, “Doing something will make me feel better!”

And the cycle continues.

The Productivity Trap

This Productivity Trap is draining and makes us want to give up because we can never quite reach our goal in a way that feels good.

There is a better way. I call this Positive Productivity:

  1. Decide what you want, and make sure you like your reasons. Don’t do anything IN ORDER TO feel better.
  2. Commit to it.
  3. Do the next thing on the path that you think will get you to your goal.
  4. Take action despite your feelings… you will have negative emotion, but it is not a sign to quit. (This is where mindset work comes in.)
  5. Evaluate.
  6. Repeat steps 3-6.

Each of these steps is much more nuanced than what I can outline in one blog post, but if you follow these steps, coaching yourself around your emotions as you go along, you will be able to be productive and feel good while you do it. In fact your emotions will FUEL your action instead of your action DRAINING you.

If you want to get out of the Productivity Trap and into Positive Productivity, schedule a free consultation with me. My program will help you feel better so you can get stuff done without exhaustion or doubt to create the life you really want.

From Love Instead of For Love

Do you ever get frustrated because you can’t seem to DO the things you want to accomplish? I am right there with you!

Gretchen Rubin might call you an obliger, a personality who puts your own expectations last on your to-do list. Your personal goals or resolutions never come to fruition because you don’t stick to your plan. Then you get frustrated or discouraged and give up. But inevitably your drive to always be improving and striving leads you to restart those goals or new ones. And the cycle continues.

This has been the story of my life, and I just recently realized WHY. Another coach showed me how the root of this problem is that I don’t trust myself. I blame or deflect all results to something outside of me. I’m always looking for answers outside of myself. I don’t trust myself to make real decisions or know the answers… because if I fail, well then it would be my fault and THAT would feel like shame.

I’m constantly using willpower to accomplish what does get done. These tasks are usually fueled by a sense of obligation, not love or joy.

All of this because I can’t trust myself, because (let’s face it) I don’t much LIKE myself. I’m always trying to prove my worth by PERFORMING, but I can’t fully perform because I don’t trust myself to do what’s “right.” I’m on a mission to heal my trust with myself. I want to invite you to join me on this mission if any of this resonates with you.

What if— all this time— you have always been totally, completely enough… and there is nothing to prove? What if everything you do could be FROM love instead of FOR love? Imagine how much you would accomplish when there is no self-loathing. What would you spend your time on instead? We would be able to do our true work in the world instead of always overcoming ourselves!

👆🏻👆🏻👆🏻
I am ALL IN on that! Are you?