We are all so tired because it takes a village to do this mom thing, but where have all the villages gone? I hope to offer you a little bit of hope around feeling tired in this episode.

I have a confession to make. I am just so tired. I’ve been tired for a while. And I know if I’m tired, many of you are too. BUT, it feels like my tired has changed, and I want to offer you hope that your tired can change too.

Proving My worth

For the longest time, I took action to prove my worth. Yes, my worth as a human.

I graduated valedictorian. I went to college, first in my family to graduate from a state university (as far as I know). I went back to church after 5 years away. I married a valedictorian. I had beautiful babies, I kept my house clean. I homeschooled those babies. I served in callings. I was busy and I wore it as a badge of honor. I thought that’s what the world wanted and demanded of me.

But the truth is, all of this action was a form of a flight response in my nervous system. Take action to get away from the feelings of deep shame, insecurity, and inadequacy you feel.

There was a lot of resistance mixed into all the action. I don’t want to do this, but I will because I have to. I was in a true survival mode. Take action to get to safety. Do whatever it takes.

And just to be completely honest: not all of the action I listed above was from that kind of push-through-the-resistance place.

Getting married to my husband was one of the easiest things I ever did.

But my point is that the first half of my life was filled with a lot of unaligned action in order to get to a place that felt safe and acceptable on a physical survival kind of level.

Reflecting

There’s a day I reflect on often.

My kids were probably 3, 5 and 8 years old. I was an angry mom. I would scream at my kids and just get so frustrated.

Oh, those beautiful babies that were so perfect and definitely didn’t deserve that! I just want to go back and spoil them!!

I was sitting on the kitchen floor with my back against the sliding glass door. Even back then I was always seeking for heat as a resource. I remember looking around and just feeling such despair.

Who am I?

This is not what I thought motherhood would be. I want to be joyful, but… how? I distinctly remember pleading to God— “Tell me how to have joy and I’ll do it! I’ll do anything!”

And then I got up and put one foot in front of the other and probably made dinner or started on the dishes or something. Because I didn’t know what to do or how to do it.

I believe that pleading prayer to God was the beginning of my healing journey. Just allowing a particle of desire to work within me.

Fast forward to today. I’m still pretty dang tired. I don’t have everything figured out, but I have learned so much along the way. But the tone or the flavor of my tired has changed.

There is a process

Even though I am still tired, I no longer take action to prove my worth. Most of the time, at least.

There is much less resistance amongst all my action.

Of course, there is still some, because I’m human after all, but mostly I take action from an aligned place. From a place of “I know this will take work, but it feels like the next right step.”

It doesn’t feel like I’m trying to get to safety any longer.

I feel safe.

Once you are safe, you can be open to creativity. But being a creator does take energy.

I’ve never heard anyone say it this way, but it feels more like the tired that comes with being exhausted being in the presence of God, or sustaining creativity for long periods of time.

Either way, though, the vibration feels like what I would label as “tired.”

And sometimes when we don’t take the time to really examine our sensation or the reason for them, it’s easy to get confused and believe we are the old kind of tired— tired from so much resistance.

But if I reflect and get honest, that is not why I am tired most of the time these days.

It sounds like a lot of self-doubt and questioning what I really want and why. Because I’m more sensitive to the resistance type of action, I check in with myself pretty frequently to keep myself on track.

It would be easy to take this as a sign that something is wrong, but I view this as my nervous system learning what is and what is not in alignment.

I consider that a huge win! Being intentional with the action I take and making sure all the action I take is aligned to me is a huge step in regulating my nervous system and creating eternal success for myself.

Action

I notice that I question what I am doing all the time, because I have integrated the belief that I am valuable and worthy no matter what, simply because I am a human.

Which means if I don’t have to take action to prove my worth, I don’t have to take action at all. And it becomes much more about what I WANT to do and less about what I HAVE to do.

And this is a beautiful, abundant place to come from. Isn’t that ultimately what we want?— to make dinner or do dishes because we WANT to, not because we HAVE to?

That is the wealthy life, no matter how much money is in your bank account!

It’s not just about the outer accomplishments; it’s also about the way I create them. I’m not interested in any kind of accomplishment if I kill myself doing it. And usually, how we start something is how we create it.

Friends, none of this would have been possible for me without learning how my nervous system works.

None of it would have been possible without addressing the trauma and neglect I had experienced.

And the deeper I go into my own healing, the less I can tolerate doing things to appease someone else or to fit in with the outside culture.

In some ways I wonder if I am finally at the threshold of surrendering to the tired. And just letting myself be tired, and taking really good care of myself inside that tiredness.

I know it often seems like we can’t allow ourselves to just be tired and to slow down a bit, but trust me, there is always a way.

I’m learning that there may never be a day that I am not tired. Maybe that’s just not how life works. It makes me think of Nephi’s Psalm.

1 Nephi 4: Nephi delights in the Lord and the things the Lord has made known unto him, but he complains about the limitations and weaknesses of his flesh.

Maybe we need to meet ourselves with more gentleness, softness, care, concern, love IN the action we take.

Don’t take action IN ORDER TO feel gentleness, softness, care, love.

Even allowing God’s love to guide us. We are not meant to do this mothering thing alone. It literally takes a village, but where have all the villages gone? You must seek out or create your village that feels supportive.

Mosiah 4:27: And see that all these things are done in wisdom and order; for it is not requisite that a man should run faster than he has strength.

One of my favorite verses in all of scripture simply because I need the reminder so often, almost daily.

Treat yourself with kindness

I’m tempted to give you 3 quick tips or 5 ways to practice, but honestly, I’ve already given it to you:

Meet yourself with gentleness, softness, care, concern, and love.

And if you can’t do that, figure out why and address that obstacle. This is possible for you. I know because I’ve done it and I am nobody special!

I’m holding a free workshop this week, Thursday, May 23rd at 12 pm MDT. The link to register for all the details, zoom information and a replay is in the show description.

If you feel blessed, but not good, maybe you’re just so dang tired.

I hesitate to ask anything of you after an episode about feeling tired and taking better care, but if it feels within your capacity, I would love to continue the conversation with you! What makes it difficult for you to feel good? Please let me know by emailing podcast@denitabremer.com . Also- if you share my vision of helping Christian women stop feeling so dang tired so they can create more, please leave the podcast a review.

That’s enough for now, and so are you!

_______________________________________

Cello music is written, recorded and produced by Jacqueline Walker.

This podcast is recorded by me, Denita Bremer, and produced by Jasmine Reynolds.