Episode 15: Shame over my Teeth

Do you have that one part of your body that you just really don’t like? For me it has been my teeth since I was about 10 years old. I talk about it in this episode.

For you, it may be a different part of your body, but the feelings and principles might be the same.

If you are interested in exploring life coaching with me to address the shame you feel, schedule a free call here.

Episode 13: Immediate Gratification

In today’s episode, I step back from stories about my past and speak to a little about my current stories. I talk about goals and how we must feel uncomfortable to reach them. But our brain doesn’t want to feel uncomfortable. There is a part of our brain that is solely focused on keeping us alive (comfortable). I give a few thought exercises to get you actually reaching your goal.

I hope you enjoy!
Denita

I give thanks for the hard stuff

I am practicing being grateful for the stuff that’s hard. The stuff we don’t normally give thanks for.

I give thanks that my mom died when I was 20. It shaped who I am today.

I give thanks for not having close relationships with my family of origin. It makes me even more grateful for the ones that are in my life daily. And it has forced me to create family by choice.

I give thanks for not being popular in school and having to face my own shame and disappointment consistently. That helped me figure out who I wanted to be.

I give thanks for not going to church when I was an older teen and young adult. It helped me see I really wanted to be there, and to return for the best reasons.

I give thanks for feeling depressed and lonely during the year we lived in Germany. It led me to life coaching and THAT is the best ever.

If you are ready to learn how to give thanks for the hard stuff, download my free Starter Guide to a Shame-proof Life.

My dad lost his job and I thought it was my fault for 30 years.

When I was 5 years old, my dad lost his job.

I was awake, watching Looney Tunes, when I heard his alarm going off.

It continued for several minutes, so I carefully walked into my parents’ room where they were both passed out in their bed.

I remember standing there next to my Dad’s side of the bed, looking at him, looking at the alarm clock and not knowing what to do.

I remember thinking “Should I wake him up? His alarm is going off. But he’s an adult, so maybe he wants to sleep through his alarm? But then why would he set an alarm?”

It was an internal battle of not knowing what to do.

Then suddenly, my Dad’s eyes flew open and he looked at me, then looked at his alarm. He jumped out of bed and got dressed and out the door faster than anyone else I know.

I remember him asking me “Why didn’t you wake me up?”

I didn’t have an answer. I may have been perceptive, but I wasn’t yet able to put my thoughts and feelings to words.

He lost his job for being late one time.

Now I know he didn’t mean to blame me.
Now I know that it’s not a 5 year old’s job to wake her Dad up.
Now I know that my parent’s financial struggles had nothing to do with me.
Now I know I couldn’t have prevented any of my mother’s depression or my parent’s relationship problems.
Now I know none of it was my fault.

But for 30 years I thought it was my fault. For 30 years I thought I could have done something differently that would have changed the entire trajectory of my parent’s life and my life. For 30 years I was carrying guilt and shame that I didn’t need to carry.

Because nobody told me.

If you are carrying any guilt or shame from your past, I am here to tell you: it’s not your fault. Your choices wouldn’t have changed anything. It was all supposed to happen exactly that way.

If you have a life better than you expected, more than you dreamed of, you even have the Gospel of Jesus Christ, yet you still feel miserable, it might be because of guilt or shame you are unnecessarily carrying.

It’s time to put it down.

You’ll be better for it, I promise.

I’m launching a group coaching program January 27th. If you want to do the work of letting go of the shame, I invite you to schedule a free shame assessment here.

My real reason.

You see that woman second from the left?

Everything I do is for her. She is my reason.

You thought I was going to say that these people are my why.

They are too, but I’ve realized that it has to be for me first.

Selfish? Maybe.

But salvation is an individual matter. Even if I wanted, I can’t do the work to get them into heaven. They have to do that on their own. And I have to do mine on my own.

Anything I do, I do it to grow her, to help her become the next best version of herself, to do the work the Lord intends for her.

And that’s what I want for you, too.

When you grow yourself, you grow everyone around you. So selfish? Maybe not.

78 Life Lessons on my 40th Birthday

I was shooting for 40 life lessons on my 40th birthday, but I kept going and ended up with 78. Which of these do you like the best? Are there any you disagree with?

  1. Be kind to everyone no matter what. (Thanks Mom!)
  2. Don’t borrow money. And if you have to borrow money, pay it back ASAP. (Thanks Dad!)
  3. People will judge you wrongly. Keep being you anyway. 
  4. People are highly imperfect. Even if it doesn’t seem like it at first. 
  5. Whatever happened with your parents when you were a kid wasn’t your fault. 
  6. Money, or lack of it, can cause a lot of heartache if you let it. 
  7. Be honest. It’s always the best way. 
  8. Sometimes your mistakes can save you. 
  9. People you love can and will hurt you. You don’t have to add to the pain by refusing to forgive them. 
  10. Good people do bad things. Everyone is human. 
  11. The hard things in life make us who we are. 
  12. You can do hard things. 
  13. God is listening. And it’s more evident when you watch for Him in your life. 
  14. If you follow your feelings you can’t go wrong. 
  15. Nature is a gift. Use it wisely. 
  16. You never forget the most pivotal moments in your life. 
  17. There is a strong connection between our bodies and our minds. Don’t ignore the cues. 
  18. People can love you when they don’t even really know you. 
  19. You know so very little. Accepting that fact will serve you. 
  20. There is always something to do. Don’t let it be a reason to not rest or enjoy yourself. 
  21. You literally can’t make everyone happy. Stop trying. Focus on making yourself happy. I.e. you can be the juiciest peach in the orchard, but there will always be someone who doesn’t like peaches. 
  22. The little moments are the big moments. Try not to miss them. 
  23. When you trust yourself, there isn’t anything you can’t figure out.
  24. Your net worth has nothing to do with your self worth. Unless you let it. 
  25. Never be afraid to be yourself. This whole life is meant to help you figure out who you are. 
  26. Guilt and shame are only useful if they lead you to change. If they are making you stuck, let them go. 
  27. Children are our best teachers. 
  28. Love is always the answer. In every situation. 
  29. You don’t get married to complete yourself. You get married so you always have someone to love. 
  30. You can just decide to be happy. 
  31. You can’t make anyone else feel something. And they can’t make you feel anything. 
  32. Sometimes you have to go down the wrong path first to know what the right path is. 
  33. Friends can be the family you never knew you needed. 
  34. Stay calm when you are swimming. Panic will increase the odds of drowning. 
  35. Travel seems glamorous. What’s really glamorous is the destination. 
  36. Every problem is a belief problem. 
  37. You rarely get what you want unless you ask for it. 
  38. If there is a rule, there’s probably a reason for it. But also, sometimes rules need to be broken. That’s the exception to the rule though. 
  39. Distraction is the adversary’s most effective tool. 
  40. Always ask how spicy the sauce is. 
  41. Everyone is boring, until you get to know them. 
  42. People are more the same than they are different.
  43. For many people, outer order contributes to inner calm. 
  44. If you don’t know what to do, start with the dishes or laundry.
  45. There is always a choice. Always.
  46. Mastering your urges is the way to the life you want. 
  47. Always bring your wallet.
  48. When you are upset and don’t know why, try 1. Drinking water, 2. Eating 3. Moving your body and 4. Sleep.
  49. When working with electrical, always turn the breaker off.
  50. Doing It Yourself is worth it in most cases. Except HVAC and drywall. Hire those out. 
  51. Wear your retainer. Even if it bugs you. 
  52. Always wear your seatbelt. 
  53. Water is the best beverage. 
  54. Find a meditation practice that works for you and practice it regularly. 
  55. Always give the compliment when you think it. 
  56. Feelings matter. More than you think. 
  57. Sugar has the same effect as cocaine to your brain. Consume it carefully.
  58. Observe a sabbath for both your physical and mental well-being. Especially take a sabbath from things that you find yourself addicted to. 
  59. If you are thinking it or struggling with it, so are lots of other people. 
  60. Every human has the same value. Nobody is more or less than anybody else. Knowing this brings true confidence.
  61. Getting started is often the hardest part. 
  62. How you start your day makes a big difference. 
  63. Let the music move you. 
  64. Someday you’ll understand why you need this moment. 
  65. Instead of asking “Why me?” ask “Why not me?”
  66. It is a rare situation that has a right and wrong way. Just do what feels right to you.
  67. Time is on your side, not against you.
  68. You are 100% worthy and valuable just the way you are.
  69. “Beautiful” is an opinion.
  70. Your thoughts are your most powerful asset. 
  71. It is easier to keep a clean room than to let it go and clean it later. The same is true for your brain. 
  72. If you can’t enjoy the current moment, you’ll never enjoy a future moment.
  73. What you think other people think of you, is really what you think of you. 
  74. You can’t change something if you are judging it. That includes yourself. 
  75. What you really want is always a feeling. 
  76. Everything you want is just outside your comfort zone. 
  77. The prize is worth the price.
  78. No matter what it is, you are worth it!

Becoming the Woman the Lord Intended

My whole life I have been driven by wondering who the Lord wants me to be and to become her.

Can you relate?

How do I know? If an angel were to come declare it to me, could I– would I– do whatever it takes to be her?

Am I falling short, or am I on the right track?

In the Bible Dictionary under “Faith” it says, one effect “of true faith in Jesus Christ [is] an actual knowledge that the course of life one is pursuing is acceptable to the Lord.

The first time I read this, it was like getting the breath knocked out of my body! How did someone write these exact words that describes what I yearn for so much?

Here’s what I have come to know in my almost 40 years on this earth:

  1. I am already her. God created me before this earth life. He gave me talents and gifts and desires that make me uniquely me. I can’t NOT BE her.
  2. My actions do not determine if I am being the woman the Lord intended. My actions come from who I am. I can’t act or earn my way to being her. Being is in our identity.
  3. Behind this question- how do I become the woman the Lord intended me to be?– is the desire for God’s approval. And what I would think I would feel if, somehow, I could know I had God’s approval. For me it’s love. Maybe confidence. Maybe free.
  4. I am making it too complicated (and I’m sure you are too). God’s work is to help me and everyone else achieve eternal life. That’s it. It’s not more than that. I have made covenants and continue to do the work to stay worthy of eternal life.

So now I just decide that I believe I am the woman the Lord intended me to be. Already. Done.

Now what?

{Let me just be clear: I am not saying that there aren’t things God wants us to DO. He certainly had a work for Joseph Smith, and I am sure he has a work for each of us.}

Now we get to do our work FROM the confidence that we are the person God wants us to be. Our action isn’t geared toward figuring that out– FOR being the person God wants us to become. We are that much closer to accomplishing our work in the world…. which will help us become our future eternal selves even more!

So go do it, Sister! Don’t spin in questions and doubt about your identity. Just assume your identity is set and go from there. Obstacles will define you even more and help you learn and grow yourself.

I can’t wait to see what you do! Come back and let me know.

Love,
Denita

When Striving to Be Better Backfires

Are you always striving and trying to improve?
Do you hold yourself to high standards? 
Do you deeply want to do your best? 
Do you find yourself wondering if you are doing the right thing? If there is a better way?
What if there is no “best?”
What if there is no “better way?”
What if “perfect” is just an illusion?
What if we are asking the wrong questions? 
When we think about doing our best, it assumes we aren’t our best already.
When we wonder if there is a better way, we assume the current way is not good enough. 
Always striving for higher standards implies we are not already good enough.
These underlying beliefs leave us feeling depleted, defeated, hopeless and helpless. 
From these emotions, we do LESS, smaller.
Perhaps you will say, “But it’s TRUE!” 
I ask— Is it USEFUL?
Take a moment. Take a breath.
You are enough.
Right now, exactly as you are. Flaws and all.
If you can allow yourself to believe that, you will feel love, hope, confidence, and motivation. 
From those emotions you will be able to get so much more accomplished and become so much more than feeling the need to always do your best. 
Accept the way you are now and watch yourself do more than you’ve ever been able to do before.