How to get your husband to stop asking for sex– it’s easier than you think!

How do you get your husband to stop asking, nagging, initiating or pouting about sex?

The easiest way?

Have sex.

So what comes up for you when I say that? Why aren’t you doing that already?

Time?

Energy?

Maybe he doesn’t deserve it? (This came up for one of my clients today.)

Is your reason that you don’t feel connected to him, so you don’t feel like having sex?

Do you think he will ask even more and then you will have to have sex even more and it will be a never-ending cycle that you can’t get out of??

Photo by DAVIDCOHEN on Unsplash

Let’s take these one by one.

Time. How long does it really take to have sex? Let’s face it, this is just an excuse. Time isn’t a REAL issue for most of us. See my last post for more evidence!

And if time is a real issue for you, then it’s just a matter of prioritizing your time. What is most important, second most, etc?

Energy. I’m feeling the tough love tonight– If you spent less energy thinking and fuming about sex, you would have more for sex. The underlying belief here is that sex TAKES energy. But what if you are wrong? What if it actually gives you energy? Why would you keep yourself from that?

There are activities that drain us and activities that energize us. It all depends on your thoughts about the activity. So if you can get to a place where you love sex… just sayin’…. it might be energizing!

But really. What if your husband isn’t taking from you but giving to you? What if you are looking at it all wrong?

He doesn’t deserve it. If you are thinking this, there is a good chance you are in a parent-child dynamic with your husband. And who the heck wants to have sex with their kid? Umm, not me. This feels like a responsibility, a heaviness. Your brain is gonna want to get far away from that. What if pleasure is not something we deserve or earn with good behavior? What if pleasure is just something we naturally seek and then it’s just about what we want or don’t want– the type of pleasure we are up for? The scriptures say that Men are that they might have joy. We are created for joy, and that often comes from pleasure.

So again, what if you are looking at it all wrong? He doesn’t deserve it or not deserve it. And neither do you! This is just about pleasure, connection and desire. What do you want? (And do you see that when you withhold sex from him, you are also withholding sex/pleasure from you? Even if you don’t enjoy sex yet… the promise of future pleasure with practice is being delayed for yourself.)

Connection. Yes. Connection leads to intimacy. But intimacy also leads to connection. It’s a self-reinforcing cycle. Either you have to have connection first. Or you have to have sex first. Depends on your desire type (responsive vs. spontaneous) as to which way you will prefer.

Also: connection is a feeling. Feelings come from our thoughts. You can create connection by thinking loving thoughts about your husband. Try focusing on what you love about him. What do you appreciate? What would you miss if he were gone? Boom. Connection.

Here’s the thing. It’s so much easier to give the power of our emotions away to other people. Then we don’t have to work at it. But it’s much more satisfying to do the work ourselves and create the feelings we want on purpose. It’s not easy, but it is powerful. I promise it will help you feel more connected to yourself and therefore more connected to your husband.

The never-ending cycle. OK, so right now you are just having sex the bare minimum in order to shut him up about it already. Your heart probably isn’t really in it; it’s just a physical act for you. This is like eating bread every meal. It’s not filling. What if you had sex more often but you still aren’t that into it? Like having more bread meals. What if you have sex and you decide to be all in? After all, if you are going to do it, you might as well do it right! This is like meat and potatoes meals. You might be surprised, but your husband likely doesn’t want sex just for the sexual release. It means something to him too. He wants you to be into it! He wants to be filled up. He wants to feel loved and like you mean it. When you can get to that place (and I assure you, you can if you want to), he will likely want sex less often because the “filling meal” will last longer.

Maybe I am wrong and his desire is off the hook. In that case I want you to recognize that you always have a choice. You don’t ever have to have sex, even with your husband. So if you are having sex even if you “don’t really want to,” the alternative is worse than the sex to your brain. What’s the alternative? Only you can answer that.

*Another way you could get him to stop asking for sex is to get divorced. There are always alternatives my friend.

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Man, I love this work. I love helping women love their sex lives which leads them to love themselves more so they can love everyone around them more. Come join my coaching program so you can get amazing results in your life. I promise it’ll be worth it.

Maybe this is why you don’t enjoy your sex life.

Do you believe sex is important for a marriage?

Why?

Why do you have sex?

Do these two reasons align?

There are a variety of reasons to have sex but your personal reason matters to the quality of your sex life.

I am assuming you believe sex is important in marriage, or else you probably wouldn’t be here reading. (Please feel free to comment and let me know if I am wrong!)

If the reason you think sex is important is because it brings you closer to your husband, but then you have sex just so he will quit asking, I submit to you that there is a disconnect! This may be why you don’t love your sex life!

Your personal reason has to be compelling to YOU.

When we have sex FOR our husbands and not for ourselves, it tends to breed resentment and dislike. Or even just apathy.

Would you like to have sex with someone who doesn’t really care about it?

I was once talking with a client about why she has sex and I offered that it connects husband and wife. She recoiled at the thought. She was feeling too connected to her husband and desperately wanted space from him to be her own person.

For someone else, connection may be what they are craving.

If you believe sex is important because it’s fun, and you have sex because you find it pleasurable and fun, your reasons are aligned and you are probably having a great sex life! (Why are you here? Go have some sex!)

Sometimes clients tell me it is selfish to do things for themselves. But when it comes to sex, THAT’S THE WHOLE PURPOSE. This selfishness non-sense is cultural messaging that is not useful.

When two people come together (each for their own reasons) and have sex for the sheer pleasure of it, the experience is magical. The intimacy increases and the pleasure increases.

Ladies, you are entitled to have pleasure just because you want it. You don’t even have to deserve it!

Find a reason for sex that is just your own personal reason and is not for anybody else. Then go and have sex and try it out. Does it improve the experience?