In this episode, I talk about my relationship with my Dad and what I learned about who I want to be in the world from him.
This is the picture I referred to in this episode.
Enjoy!
Denita
Episode 5: Love vs. Like
Becoming the Woman the Lord Intended
My whole life I have been driven by wondering who the Lord wants me to be and to become her.
Can you relate?
How do I know? If an angel were to come declare it to me, could I– would I– do whatever it takes to be her?
Am I falling short, or am I on the right track?
In the Bible Dictionary under “Faith” it says, one effect “of true faith in Jesus Christ [is] an actual knowledge that the course of life one is pursuing is acceptable to the Lord.
The first time I read this, it was like getting the breath knocked out of my body! How did someone write these exact words that describes what I yearn for so much?
Here’s what I have come to know in my almost 40 years on this earth:
- I am already her. God created me before this earth life. He gave me talents and gifts and desires that make me uniquely me. I can’t NOT BE her.
- My actions do not determine if I am being the woman the Lord intended. My actions come from who I am. I can’t act or earn my way to being her. Being is in our identity.
- Behind this question- how do I become the woman the Lord intended me to be?– is the desire for God’s approval. And what I would think I would feel if, somehow, I could know I had God’s approval. For me it’s love. Maybe confidence. Maybe free.
- I am making it too complicated (and I’m sure you are too). God’s work is to help me and everyone else achieve eternal life. That’s it. It’s not more than that. I have made covenants and continue to do the work to stay worthy of eternal life.
So now I just decide that I believe I am the woman the Lord intended me to be. Already. Done.
Now what?
{Let me just be clear: I am not saying that there aren’t things God wants us to DO. He certainly had a work for Joseph Smith, and I am sure he has a work for each of us.}
Now we get to do our work FROM the confidence that we are the person God wants us to be. Our action isn’t geared toward figuring that out– FOR being the person God wants us to become. We are that much closer to accomplishing our work in the world…. which will help us become our future eternal selves even more!
So go do it, Sister! Don’t spin in questions and doubt about your identity. Just assume your identity is set and go from there. Obstacles will define you even more and help you learn and grow yourself.
I can’t wait to see what you do! Come back and let me know.
Love,
Denita
You get results when you are willing to be vulnerable
Friends! I’ve made it! This is the 30th post in 30 days!
Thank you all for following along and reading.
Don’t worry, I will keep writing, but maybe not quite so often. I would like to give myself weekends off at least.
Have you been reading regularly, but not making yourself known?
I invite you to reach out. Be vulnerable.
The thing I learned from my vulnerable post yesterday is: you get results when you are willing to be vulnerable.
I hope you can see how this applies to sex and intimacy.
Your sexual relationship requires vulnerability from you.
When you open yourself up, you allow people to see the real you.
Intimacy = Into me see
Then they move closer.
That’s when you are able to surrender yourself to connection and pleasure.
It’s human nature to want to be connected.
We are social beings.
Even the least social among us.
There is a divinity within us that yearns for belonging, worth and love.
You belong.
You are valuable beyond measure.
You are lovable and loved.
Because if nobody else has said it today, I love you.
I cracked myself open yesterday and the 28 days before that, which allowed me to love myself more fully and that helps me love you more fully.
This post is so late (10:30 pm where I am) because I loved myself today.
I went slow.
I did what felt loving to me all day.
I scheduled a 9 pm massage.
It was lovely.
And you know what?
I totally deserved it.
I was worth it.
And so are you.
You are worth a close, loving marriage.
You are worth sexual pleasure.
It doesn’t make you dirty or bad or impure.
Loving your sex life– really doing the work to be vulnerable and getting closer to your spouse– will strengthen the mindset muscles you need to love yourself, love your life, and love other people.
It will change everything for you.
It doesn’t matter if you hire a coach because you want to lose weight, have anxiety or want a better sex life.
It all comes down to loving yourself and seeing that you have value.
And love feels so good.
When you love yourself, you are the one that gets to feel love.
And when you feel loved, you radiate it to the world.
It ripples out, creating goodness everywhere.
It becomes a true, genuine joy that connects you to everyone in the world.
I know this sounds a little woo-woo.
But it’s everything.
Love yourself.
If you could do what it takes to love yourself on your own, you would have done it already.
I invite you to schedule a chat with me.
Maybe we will click and maybe we won’t.
But you will never find out if you don’t try.
Take 1 hour to do something for yourself. I promise it will be worth it.
I will show you where your blind spots or stumbling blocks are.
I will explain how to address them.
Be vulnerable with me.
Whatever excuse your brain in giving you right now to not click that link to schedule a call, that is the reason why you really need to do it.
If you think you are too busy or don’t have enough time, I will help you make time in your life and create a life that is peaceful and purposeful.
If you think you are too shy or it would be embarrassing, feeling shy and embarrassed it the currency to getting what you want in life.
If you think I am going to pressure you to buy something, you are wrong. My job is just to be the champion for your dream. I truly just want to serve.
If you think your spouse wouldn’t approve, then you are giving all your power to him and I that is why you feel powerless, helpless, and unloved.
I use Christian principles, powerful life coaching tools, and love to help you live the life you want.
If you are reading this, I know I can help you. I believe 100% in the tools I use. And I believe in your capacity to change.
There is truly nothing to fear but fear itself.
Email me at denitabremercoaching at gmail dot com
or schedule using my online calendar: calendly.com/denitabremercoaching/consult
I’ll be waiting for your message.
XOXO
Your Life Coach, Denita
I felt doubt and fear, and then I journaled and coached myself. This is what it looks like.
Self-doubt and fear of failure are par for the course for any entrepreneur (or any person for that matter!), but these two emotions came up for me big-time today. I called my coach (JillFreestone.com) for an emergency session. She only had 20 minutes, but it was enough to get me some large realizations.
My biggest takeaway was that I have a hard time feeling vulnerable. Also, I am not really letting myself feel my feelings all the way.
Soooo… after I got off the call with her, I sat and just wrote and wrote. SIX pages. And I am not done.
In the interest of letting myself be vulnerable and feeling fear and doing it anyway, here is what I found. This is my stream of consciousness with notes in parentheses:
- What am I feeling? (Keep in mind, this was after opening up to Jill and feeling lots of feelings.)
- Inadequate– did I not even know what that felt like? Have I been avoiding this feeling?
- Fear– something has gone wrong, to fail, to not make any money, to be a burden on my family and my husband
- Angry– that I have to feel this way to move forward. this is hard.
- Lonely– nobody cares about me, nobody understands me, nobody respects me, nobody loves me
- Unloved– my family [of origin] rejects me, my family doesn’t care. I shouldn’t have been born. I should quit now. I was a mistake. I cause pain and suffering. I am a mistake. (Interesting I didn’t identify shame coming up, but maybe I just didn’t notice that in the moment.) (I also made a note here that I haven’t been reading my scriptures or saying my prayers since being on vacation and being out of routine.)
- Vibrations I am feeling (I had so many feelings that I couldn’t identify just one, so I just listed all the vibrations.)
- tears
- tight throat
- full chest, heart beating faster
- want to close my eyes
- runny nose
- hot cheeks
- tired back (from sitting 3 hours?)
- pulling my lips down into a frown
- emptiness in chest/stomach
- None of my “success” has come from loving myself, feeling joy. It has all come from trying to prove something. Pushing myself. covering the fear/vulnerability.
- The urgency has passed. Now I feel like a train wreck. Puffy eyes, red face,
- I keep seeing that I can’t do anything because it costs money. Ultimately I don’t feel valuable. I am worthless. I should die… except that won’t solve it either. This is the job of the Atonement.
- I really feel like eating something sweet now. (I haven’t been eating chocolate since Jan. 1, 2019 and no sweet treats since Sunday.) I want to get away from these feelings. Maybe I’m scared to feel? What if I kept feeling? I would be weak. People would have to make up for my slacking. I’m clearly not allowed to feel. How is all this true?
- I AM INADEQUATE! I can’t get myself back to heaven.
- I am weak. Only through the Savior am I ever strong.
- I am unloved. By plenty of people. (Like millions of strangers.)
- I should be afraid! Of what God thinks and his consequences.
- I am totally and completely imperfect.
- —> And all of this is how it’s supposed to be.
- —> I only fail if I stop trying.
- Truly what if I am not enough? Then I’ll be rejected. Then what? I’ll be alone and unloved. Then what? <Long pause for reflection.> I am not enough. Nobody is. Now what? I can do anything I want. What do I want? Follow and love Christ. Be his example. Love. Love Christ. Be enough for yourself. What does that look like?
- Going slow
- Keeping a clean house
- Massages and alone time
- Being affectionate
- Bearing testimony
- Listen to piano music
- Spend money on myself
- Eat well
- Organize
- READ
- What do I need to believe about myself in order to love me?
- I love myself
- I’m ok the way I am
- I belong to myself
- I can love myself no matter what
- Everybody is equal
- I have nothing to prove
- What else do I need to believe? (I was thinking about all the things I love and why.)
- Life is beautiful.
- Everything is perfect just the way it is.
- God is stacking things in my favor.
- God loves me.
- I am so much.
- I have so much.
- Becoming whole is possible.
- Heavenly Father has my back.
- I am 100% valuable and worthy.
- I like being around myself.
- I accept myself 100%
- I like me!
- I feel safe.
- I’m one of my favorite people.
- I am beautiful.
- I am my self. (i.e. “He is my son”)
- This is how it was meant to be.
- I’ve put so much work into myself.
- I feel good.
- I know myself.
- I am doing my best.
- I am a hard worker.
- I am smart.
- I am loyal.
- I am my kind of person.
***
Ok, that’s where I ended my thought download/self-coaching. I want to keep going and ask myself “Who do I want to be?” That came up in my coaching with Jill. My knee-jerk reaction is “I don’t know.” So she challenged me to decide and try it out and then make adjustments.
I thought all sorts of things as I typed all this up. Things like, This is too vulnerable. People will think I am crazy. People will feel sorry for me. People will be concerned for me. People won’t like me. They will see how broken I am. This is unprofessional. My legs are bouncing like crazy, which is one thing that happens when I am really nervous.
And I just wanted to tell you that 3 things really made an impact after this exercise. 1. Recognizing I am not enough. I have been fighting this so hard for my whole life. Realizing that I don’t have to fight it and I can still live my life was powerful. I don’t have to prove my enoughness, because it’s false. I can just let it be and let the Atonement of Jesus Christ take over for me.
2. When I wrote down I belong to myself I think I actually heard my brain click. It was like I’ve been trying to belong to everybody else for so long, not realizing the only one I really need to belong to is me. I think I remember reading something from Brené Brown about Maya Angelou in this vein. I’ll have to go back and find it.
3. When I wrote down I am so much I was like, “Wow.” It’s true. Each of us is so complex. It felt good. As if I’ve been trying to prove “enough” but really I should have been looking for “so much.”
I think that’s it for now. I am suuuuuper tempted to not post this and to just keep it a draft, but I think it would defeat the purpose.
I am ready to feel all the emotions.
How to talk to your husband about your sexual needs (or anything else).
- Figure out what you want the outcome of the conversation to be. Do you just want to get some things off your chest? Do you want him to understand something? Do you want a specific result?
- Get yourself to a place where you are full of love. Love for yourself and for your husband. Don’t have anger or resentment or any other negative emotion brewing. Process those emotions and come from a clean place.
- Focus on the facts. It is too easy to get emotionally charged when the conversation is dominated by opinions. Strip it down to facts that everyone in the world would agree with.
- Set aside a time where you both can focus and not be distracted. At least as much as possible.
- Recognize the awkwardness or difficulty of the conversation right from the start. You can use these words, “I need to say something that might not be easy for you to hear, and it isn’t easy for me to say.”
- Start with the facts.
- Move into how things are impacting you. “I feel” statements are great at diffusing any possible blame.
- Tell what you want out of the conversation, and give him a change to respond. Recognize that he may not respond the way you want him to. That’s ok. Whatever he says is coming from his feeling in the moment, which is coming from his thoughts in the moment. It has nothing to do with you.
- Be truly curious about how the conversation is feeling to him. Great questions to ask are, “Why?” and “How does that feel to you?” or “What do you think?”
- If need be, set a time to follow up.
A few extra tips:
- If you don’t feel safe to speak openly with your husband, do the work first to figure out why. Life coaching is great for this, just sayin’!
- Start the conversation at a time when you aren’t having sex.
- If you can’t get yourself to open up, figure out why- get yourself to a life coach!
Sexual rejection and its antidote
Rejection is a powerful emotion.
When we feel rejection, it usually means we aren’t likable, or we aren’t good enough.
This comes from primitive times when we were hunter-gatherers traveling in a pack. Being kicked out of the pack meant certain death.
But it rarely means death in our modern culture today.
Our brains are so scared of rejection that they would rather feel fear or guilt, or almost any other negative emotion.
Rejection shows up in the bedroom frequently.
The spontaneous-desire partner may get turned down, and then they feel rejected.
When we feel rejected, we want to do anything to get away from that negative emotion, so we stop initiating sex or withdraw. We may get whiny or nag (not attractive).
Just notice that the rejection is just a thought in your mind.
Maybe your partner turned you down because they didn’t feel sexy.
Maybe your partner turned you down because they were really tired.
Maybe your partner turned you down because they were in a bad mood.
Notice, none of these reasons is about YOU.
But when they say no, you make it mean that they don’t like or love you the way you are. That you aren’t good enough.
What if it really only means they were tired or angry or feeling frumpy?
Sometimes we reject ourselves ahead of time so we don’t have to feel failure.
When we think others are judging us, we feel rejected, and then act in a way that is not in line with who we are, but instead who we think other people want us to be. In a sense, when we act in a way that is for others and against our true authenticity, we are rejecting ourselves. Because the alternative is to be true to ourselves and then someone not liking it and feeling rejected.
So if you are going to be rejected either way, why not do it in the way that feels authentic to you?
The antidote to rejection is self-love.
If you accept and love yourself no matter what, then what other people say and do doesn’t mean anything about you.
AND. You get to feel love, because when you love you are the one that feels the love.
So whether you are initiating sex, or dating, or are just out in the world being you, love yourself. Accept yourself as whole and worthy just the way you are.
Who knows? Maybe you loving yourself will be the inspiration or permission someone else needs to do the same.
***
Does this post resonate with you? If so, you may want to check out my 20 Questions to Ask to Improve Your Sex Mindset.
Sexual desire is a feeling that can be changed, but should you change it?
Are there sexual desire differences in your marriage?
Chances are you just said “Yes.”
Because it’s virtually impossible to be perfectly matched.
So what can you do about it?
Most people want to change their desire.
Society tells us that the lower desire partner should increase their desire.
(Because clearly, that’s the “better” way to do sexual desire.)
Why would you want to change your desire?
Really think about that.
Would it make things easier?
Would it mean that you are a better, less broken person, and whatever is wrong is now fixed?
Would life just be better?
When we think things will be better on the other side, we are robbing ourselves of the joy of now.
Because the truth?
Accepting and loving yourself exactly the way you are right now is the key to “better.”
And then you may want to change. Or you might now. But it will be because you want to, not because you think it will make things better.
The energy behind your action makes a difference friends.
***
PS. Can I ask a favor? I am about to embark upon 30 blog posts in 30 days. Would you comment or email me what questions or topics you would like addressed regarding loving your sex life more? I would be ever grateful.
PPS. I go deeper into this topic in my weekly newsletter this week. If you are interested in learning more, click here.
7 Things to Know about Love that will help you love unconditionally
Yesterday I tried something new. I offered a free online class about unconditional love, lovability and what keeps us from them. I was so excited when FIVE amazing women showed up to listen to what I had to say and let me coach them! I love increasing the love in the world!
Since it was a success, I thought I would summarize a few key points I taught. It IS Valentines Day after all!
- Love is a feeling. Feelings come from our thoughts. Therefore, if you want to feel more love, you need to think loving thoughts. Easy-peasy, right? <wink, wink>
- We are all 100% lovable— able to be loved. This comes from God. It is set. No one can become more lovable.
- Lovable is not to be confused with lovability, or your ability to love. Our spouse might be lovable, but our ability to love them might be diminished. There are many reasons why. You are 100% lovable, but that doesn’t mean your spouse has 100% capacity to love you. This is not about you, it is about your spouse.
- Unconditional love is loving no matter what. This is a skill that can be developed and it does NOT come naturally. So if you find someone difficult to love unconditionally, (that teenager maybe?) just know that it is normal for it to be difficult but you can work on it.
- Practicing unconditional love on others enables us to love ourselves unconditionally. Self-love is the answer to just about any relationship issue. Applying 1-4 to ourselves is self-love.
- Self-protection, the need for revenge, judging others and having rules for people in our lives all keep us from loving unconditionally. But there is never a good reason to NOT love.
- When we love, we are the ones that get to feel that love. It doesn’t jump into another person’s body. This means we can love people if even they don’t want us to or when logically it seems wrong. When we love people, we are the ones that feel the love.
If this helped you at all and you want more detail, I recorded my class from yesterday and I would LOVE to share it with you. Email me at denitabremercoaching at gmail dot com, or follow me on instagram (@denitabremercoaching) and DM me there so I can send it to you.
Happy Valentine’s Day!