I give thanks for the hard stuff

I am practicing being grateful for the stuff that’s hard. The stuff we don’t normally give thanks for.

I give thanks that my mom died when I was 20. It shaped who I am today.

I give thanks for not having close relationships with my family of origin. It makes me even more grateful for the ones that are in my life daily. And it has forced me to create family by choice.

I give thanks for not being popular in school and having to face my own shame and disappointment consistently. That helped me figure out who I wanted to be.

I give thanks for not going to church when I was an older teen and young adult. It helped me see I really wanted to be there, and to return for the best reasons.

I give thanks for feeling depressed and lonely during the year we lived in Germany. It led me to life coaching and THAT is the best ever.

If you are ready to learn how to give thanks for the hard stuff, download my free Starter Guide to a Shame-proof Life.

Our hearts determine what we will become

Our hearts–the sum total of our desires, affections, intentions, motives, and attitudes– define who we are and determine what we will become.

David A. Bednar

You can totally reverse-engineer this one: who do you want to be? That will tell you what your desires, affections, intentions, motives and attitudes should be.

Tell us- what is one of these specifically you would like to develop in order to become the person you want to be?

Me? I want to develop my desire to be heard and seen for the benefit of others. I tend to believe that I don’t have much to add that is helpful. And I hide and stay small by default.

I have some stories to share about that, but for now, just ponder what you could decipher in yourself. And then come comment to make it a real intention.

If you need help figuring out who you want to be, I would love to help you. Download my free Starter Guide for a Shame-proof Life here.

The Knowing Within

It’s nothing short of a miracle that I turned out to be a fairly functional person.

My parents were teenagers when I was born. And alcoholics, drug addicts and high school drop-outs. Although they were both brilliant in their own right.

There was very little money. I remember my parents getting into a fight because I wanted a tennis skirt. (But of course always money for beer and weed (and sometimes speed or cocaine.))

We lived in the middle-of-nowhere-town where opportunities were limited.

I was sexually molested by an extended family member.

I was bullied and teased by both classmates and even a teacher.

And yet. Here I am. Living the “American Dream.”

So many people in similar situations never make it out. I often ask myself how I did it.

I doubted and shamed myself, lived in constant fear and insecurity, but SOMEHOW when it came to the big important things, I was able to listen to the knowing voice inside of me.

Instead of giving into the sex-and-drugs culture I was raised in, I always knew that wasn’t the life for me. My buffer wasn’t alcohol, pot, attention from boys (well maybe a little!), crime or self-harm, but over-achievement. It served me well for a long time. I was driven toward college, even though my parents supported me in anything. I took the “hard” route.

When my mom died before I graduated from college, I didn’t give in to the blaming and family drama and depression. The knowing voice kept me strong and putting one foot in front of the other.

When my husband and I had to figure out what a good marriage looked like without any models, we both turned to the knowing voices within.

When I had the seemingly perfect Christian suburban life, yet I was desperately unhappy still, I didn’t allow myself to give up. The knowing voice within told me it was possible to be happy and fulfilled. And I kept searching until I found the answer.

Listen. If it’s possible for me, it’s possible for you. The odds were stacked against me, so I know no matter how steep this mountain looks, you can climb it!

If you want to live the American Dream, let me help you. Sign up for a free consultation call here.

Becoming the Woman the Lord Intended

My whole life I have been driven by wondering who the Lord wants me to be and to become her.

Can you relate?

How do I know? If an angel were to come declare it to me, could I– would I– do whatever it takes to be her?

Am I falling short, or am I on the right track?

In the Bible Dictionary under “Faith” it says, one effect “of true faith in Jesus Christ [is] an actual knowledge that the course of life one is pursuing is acceptable to the Lord.

The first time I read this, it was like getting the breath knocked out of my body! How did someone write these exact words that describes what I yearn for so much?

Here’s what I have come to know in my almost 40 years on this earth:

  1. I am already her. God created me before this earth life. He gave me talents and gifts and desires that make me uniquely me. I can’t NOT BE her.
  2. My actions do not determine if I am being the woman the Lord intended. My actions come from who I am. I can’t act or earn my way to being her. Being is in our identity.
  3. Behind this question- how do I become the woman the Lord intended me to be?– is the desire for God’s approval. And what I would think I would feel if, somehow, I could know I had God’s approval. For me it’s love. Maybe confidence. Maybe free.
  4. I am making it too complicated (and I’m sure you are too). God’s work is to help me and everyone else achieve eternal life. That’s it. It’s not more than that. I have made covenants and continue to do the work to stay worthy of eternal life.

So now I just decide that I believe I am the woman the Lord intended me to be. Already. Done.

Now what?

{Let me just be clear: I am not saying that there aren’t things God wants us to DO. He certainly had a work for Joseph Smith, and I am sure he has a work for each of us.}

Now we get to do our work FROM the confidence that we are the person God wants us to be. Our action isn’t geared toward figuring that out– FOR being the person God wants us to become. We are that much closer to accomplishing our work in the world…. which will help us become our future eternal selves even more!

So go do it, Sister! Don’t spin in questions and doubt about your identity. Just assume your identity is set and go from there. Obstacles will define you even more and help you learn and grow yourself.

I can’t wait to see what you do! Come back and let me know.


To all the LDS ladies: You are enough. Really, you are.

You. Are. Enough.

No. Hear me: You are enough! Right now, exactly the way you are.

You are enough for the job, for the calling, for the kids, for the husband, or for whatever else is going on in your life.

You have done everything “right.” And you still feel a lack in your life.

It’s because what you DO doesn’t determine how you feel.

You kept the standards of the Church. You served the mission. You never say no to a calling. You got married in the temple. You had the kids.

And now you don’t know what you want or who you are.

It’s because you were doing all those things for the wrong reasons, and now you are tired of chasing your happiness.

You thought that if you did what everyone told you, you would feel better. You would feel good.


I know– the way our Church leaders talk make it seem like that’s what will happen. They say that if you are obedient, blessings will come. If you have the Spirit, everything will work out.

They aren’t wrong, and you aren’t wrong.

It’s just that you took their words and made it mean that you should DO certain things. And certainly there are certain actions that qualify or disqualify us.

But it matters with what energy you check all the boxes.

Stop focusing on the actions! Stop trying to go to the temple every week or show up to every single activity even when you don’t really want to. Stop going through the motions of your calling and wondering if it’s really worth it. Stop putting on the make-up because someone might see you. Stop dwelling on what you said or did that you shouldn’t have.

Stop it all.

And start believing.

Believe that Jesus is the Christ, the Savior of the world. Believe that the doctrines of the Church are true. Believe that you are blessed and that more blessings are coming. Believe that the one blessing you reeeeeeally want is on it’s way. Believe that you are exactly where you need to be on the path that will eventually bring joy and fulfillment. Believe that you can feel joy and excitement and fun NOW. Believe that your desires are not bad and don’t make you bad. Believe that you are enough exactly the way you are.

When you truly, madly, deeply believe these things (and more), you will start to FEEL them in your body. That’s how you will know you believe them. And then what to DO will become clear.

When your mind is in the right place, your actions will be too. You will keep the standards of the Church for the right reasons or not at all. You will do the calling or go to the temple or read your scriptures because you love the Lord, not because you are trying to “get blessings.”

The Lord wants you because He loves you. But he isn’t going to force or chase. You have to come to Him for the right reasons. If you feel like he is ignoring you, maybe he is just waiting for you to truly love him first. Maybe the blessings you have already received match devotion you have already given.

God is asking us to raise the bar, to lengthen our stride, to be more committed. By necessity, that means that some people will be left behind. We are in a refining time in our Church. We are at a turning point. And it feels uncomfortable. It’s supposed to.

The question is: what do you really want to believe? Not because it will bring blessings, but because it feels right to you?

I hope you want to believe you are enough. Jesus Christ made you so with his sacrifice.


If you want help with your unbelief, let’s have a conversation together. This is why I’m here. I promise I won’t try to get you to think or do anything. I am only here to help you discover who you are and what you want. But I am the perfect one for you, because I have lived with the Gospel and without it. I understand both ways. And I don’t think there is a right or a wrong way for you. I just think there is a way. Figuring it out is your work. I can be your loving, gentle, non-judgmental guide.

You are only one click away: calendly.com/denitabremercoaching

Negative emotion never comes from God.

While I was listening to this podcast today, (it’s so good, go listen to it!) I had a bit of an epiphany:

All positive emotion is from God.

All negative emotion is from the adversary.

In my opinion, these thoughts line up with this scripture:

For behold, the Spirit of Christ is given to every man, that he may know good from evil; wherefore, I show unto you the way to judge; for every thing which inviteth to do good, and to persuade to believe in Christ, is sent forth by the power and gift of Christ; wherefore ye may know with a perfect knowledge it is of God.

Moroni 7:16

Kurt Francom suggests that God is never disappointed in us in the podcast I mentioned. He gives lots of great evidence why this is. So I thought to myself, “Where does disappointment come from then?”

My first thought was that it comes from ourselves. But as I thought more, I came to the conclusion that the person who is ultimately the most disappointed is Satan. He must be living in disappointment from not keeping his first estate. And for centuries, he has seen how he missed the boat.

So what if God really never has any negative emotion toward us? What if he is just cheering us on, encouraging us, listening, loving?

I like to think of him watching us as if we are mice in a maze. He might be amused, but He is still also being our fan.

And what if, because of the principle of opposition in all things, Satan is the only one discouraging and confusing us, tearing us down, and making us feel bad?

I used to think there was a place for negative emotion such as guilt if it compels us to make positive changes. But now I see that guilt is just a mis-match between our personal values and our behavior.

Of course, it is human to feel negative emotion. It is part of being here on earth. We are in a fallen state.

I like to think that the mortal part of us naturally listens to the adversary. And our spirits naturally listen to the Spirit.

If we are never confused that the Spirit will only offer us positive emotion, then if we are feeling “bad,” we know that is coming from the adversary.

So, who do you want to listen to? And can you give yourself permission to learn from the negative emotion and listen to the positive?

A Spiritual Prompting: My Story, a Bird’s Eye View

{This is the edited version of my video on youtube: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=U536C4ShOKM}

I want to tell you a story.

About 15.5 years ago, I was walking the halls at church with my little baby- she was getting fussy or maybe she was walking and couldn’t sit still. We went into the hall and somebody had prepared a bulletin board on the topic of Write Your Personal History. As I read that board, I felt a spiritual impression that I needed to write my history. But I was young (24 years old with my first little baby) and just figuring life out; I didn’t really know how to write my story or tell my story! Over the next 15 years I would go on to start and abandon many blogs trying to tell my story. But I think in hindsight, the problem was I didn’t know who I was talking to. So I would start writing and then I would get overwhelmed: how do I do it? Do I do it chronologically or by theme? SO I never really did it and I’ve been trying to ignore this prompting for almost 16 years now!

Fast forward to a couple of weeks ago when I heard an interview on one of my favorite podcasts talking about storytelling. It piqued my interest; I thought it was an interesting topic. Matthew Dicks, the author of the book Storyworthy was being interviewed, and he mentioned how he teaches storytelling workshops and he has to continuously tell women (specifically women) that their stories are worth telling. After that podcast finished, I was on a walk and I felt these words enter my mind: “I’ve given you time to tell your story.” I felt a little chastised by God that he has asked me several time over the past decade and a half to tell my story. But I think I was getting tripped up thinking he was telling me to write my story. So in the last couple of weeks I have had almost daily spiritual impressions that I need to tell my story. It’s not that I even have one story to tell. I know my life story is interesting—it’s almost movie worthy. But I am just a normal person. I don’t know who wants to hear my story, or who is out there for me to touch, but right now I am working on blind faith and I am going to move forward with telling my story.

I wanted to just give you the birds eye view. I don’t know who you are, but I feel like I can’t start without the 30,000 foot view. SO today I am just going to give you the nuts and bolts of my history, who I am, where I came from, and a few really important events in my life. As I go forward I don’t know what this is going to look like: a youtube channel, a podcast, a blog or what, but I will tell more stories and go more in depth.

I am going to start with 0-18 years old in which I was born in a suburb of San Diego. My mom was a teenager: she was 17 and one month. My dad was 20 and they weren’t married. But they made it work. When I was 6, immediately after I finished kindergarten, we moved to Washington State because my dad had lost his job (future story) and his parents had moved to eastern Washington and were building a house and retiring. I grew up in this tiny little town in the Okanogan valley. (I’m not going to get more specific that for privacy reasons for other family members.) Basically, my childhood was pretty tough. Most people would agree that it was a tough upbringing. My parents did drugs, they were alcoholics, there was physical, emotional and sexual abuse. Money was always tight. My mom was a SAHM until I was in 8th grade-ish. There’re some primitive living situations- no running water or electricity for a several years.  But overall, I always knew my parents loved me. I really enjoyed growing up in a small town. It felt safe to me. And I really loved my grandparents who lived there. I got to spend a lot of time with them. I graduated as the valedictorian of my graduating class- ’98. And I went off to college at the University of Washington.

The second chapter of my life was from the time I was 18 until about 23 where I went to college. I was engaged to my high school sweetheart and broke it off with him because I met my now-husband my freshman year of college. I was inactive from the church I grew up in (the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints) from about 14.5 until 20 years old. During these college years I decided to go back to church and my live-in boyfriend at the time came with me, investigated, and he’s now a convert to the church. Also during this time was one of the biggest turning points of my life: my mother passed away after a car accident. But I went on to graduate from college and start working.

The third chapter starts when I am pregnant and we’ve just moved to the Bay Area. My husband started working and I am plunged into motherhood, which was not an easy transition for me. I always wanted to be a mom, but surprisingly it wasn’t easy. We had babies, we bought a condo (a story about trusting the lord). But during this time, I was really lost in who I was and what my purpose was. I was not being the kind of wife and mom I wanted to be. I have three children, 2 girls and a boy. My oldest is almost 16 years old right now, my 2nd is almost 13 and my son turned 11 a few months ago. When my oldest daughter started 2nd grade I began homeschooling her and I homeschooled her and my other kids for 5 years until the time we moved to Germany.

The fourth chapter starts with Germany. My husband and I love travel; it’s a really big value of ours. We always dreamed of living abroad. We never really thought it would come true, but we had this rare opportunity so we had to take it. We ended up living in Germany for 1 year. We lived 30-45 minutes away from where my husband’s grandmother grew up, so that was close to our heart (she raised my husband). And we lived in a town called Bremen. Our last name, Bremer, means from Bremen. I have tons of stories about living in Germany and how that really stretched me and was a turning point in my life to where I am now. I was in Germany when I found life coaching through the podcasts of the amazing Jody Moore and her mentor Brooke Castillo who runs the Life Coach School. Right after we moved home from abroad, I signed up to go to life coach training and now I am a life coach and I’m building my business and it’s the hardest most wonderful things I have done besides raising children. I’m learning how to lean into my negative emotions, how to juggle lots of different moving pieces with still being a mom and my husband works full time and running a household and friends and church callings and all the things.

That pretty much brings us to today. We’ve been home from Germany for 2 years. I have changed so much in the last 2.5 years since finding life coaching. I literally went from being a shy, anxious scared person over pretty much everything: from cleaning my house to driving cars to talking to people. To now I truly honestly feel so confident and I know who I am and I am so much more sure of myself. Not to say I don’t have tons of work left to do, but I am a totally different person. I don’t know why I am supposed to tell my story, but I know that I am supposed to. I know that a higher power wants me to, which I can only assume means that someone out there will be changed or inspired or taught by some of the things I’ve gone through in my life.

I will be talking a lot about the lessons I’ve learned and the themes I’ve seen in my life. As I put together a really quick outline for this today I realized there were some themes I could already see:

  1. Trust the Lord- you’ll be hearing more about my faith and spiritual experiences and the miracles I’ve seen in my life.
  2. If you feel it, chances are others are feeling it too. So many people I’ve talked to feel like they are alone in feeling broken. I want to assure you that pretty much everyone feels that way. I’ve clung to the idea that I’m not alone even if I don’t know who else is feeling the same way, but odds are if I feel this way someone else does too.
  3. Many of my transformation moments have come when someone else tells me what they’ve seen in me and it resonates. I have several stories about this.
  4. Work hard. You grow through your trials, through the hard, tough stuff. It requires you to work hard on an emotional level.

Thank you for reading along. Feel free to share this or any future stories with anyone you feel could use it. Follow me on social media or subscribe to my youtube channel. If you feel like I have some wisdom to impart or questions to ask me, feel free to reach out: @denitabremercoaching on IG and FB, or email me at denita@denitabremer.com