Becoming the Woman the Lord Intended

My whole life I have been driven by wondering who the Lord wants me to be and to become her.

Can you relate?

How do I know? If an angel were to come declare it to me, could I– would I– do whatever it takes to be her?

Am I falling short, or am I on the right track?

In the Bible Dictionary under “Faith” it says, one effect “of true faith in Jesus Christ [is] an actual knowledge that the course of life one is pursuing is acceptable to the Lord.

The first time I read this, it was like getting the breath knocked out of my body! How did someone write these exact words that describes what I yearn for so much?

Here’s what I have come to know in my almost 40 years on this earth:

  1. I am already her. God created me before this earth life. He gave me talents and gifts and desires that make me uniquely me. I can’t NOT BE her.
  2. My actions do not determine if I am being the woman the Lord intended. My actions come from who I am. I can’t act or earn my way to being her. Being is in our identity.
  3. Behind this question- how do I become the woman the Lord intended me to be?– is the desire for God’s approval. And what I would think I would feel if, somehow, I could know I had God’s approval. For me it’s love. Maybe confidence. Maybe free.
  4. I am making it too complicated (and I’m sure you are too). God’s work is to help me and everyone else achieve eternal life. That’s it. It’s not more than that. I have made covenants and continue to do the work to stay worthy of eternal life.

So now I just decide that I believe I am the woman the Lord intended me to be. Already. Done.

Now what?

{Let me just be clear: I am not saying that there aren’t things God wants us to DO. He certainly had a work for Joseph Smith, and I am sure he has a work for each of us.}

Now we get to do our work FROM the confidence that we are the person God wants us to be. Our action isn’t geared toward figuring that out– FOR being the person God wants us to become. We are that much closer to accomplishing our work in the world…. which will help us become our future eternal selves even more!

So go do it, Sister! Don’t spin in questions and doubt about your identity. Just assume your identity is set and go from there. Obstacles will define you even more and help you learn and grow yourself.

I can’t wait to see what you do! Come back and let me know.

Love,
Denita

To all the LDS ladies: You are enough. Really, you are.

You. Are. Enough.

No. Hear me: You are enough! Right now, exactly the way you are.

You are enough for the job, for the calling, for the kids, for the husband, or for whatever else is going on in your life.

You have done everything “right.” And you still feel a lack in your life.

It’s because what you DO doesn’t determine how you feel.

You kept the standards of the Church. You served the mission. You never say no to a calling. You got married in the temple. You had the kids.

And now you don’t know what you want or who you are.

It’s because you were doing all those things for the wrong reasons, and now you are tired of chasing your happiness.

You thought that if you did what everyone told you, you would feel better. You would feel good.

Wrong.

I know– the way our Church leaders talk make it seem like that’s what will happen. They say that if you are obedient, blessings will come. If you have the Spirit, everything will work out.

They aren’t wrong, and you aren’t wrong.

It’s just that you took their words and made it mean that you should DO certain things. And certainly there are certain actions that qualify or disqualify us.

But it matters with what energy you check all the boxes.

Stop focusing on the actions! Stop trying to go to the temple every week or show up to every single activity even when you don’t really want to. Stop going through the motions of your calling and wondering if it’s really worth it. Stop putting on the make-up because someone might see you. Stop dwelling on what you said or did that you shouldn’t have.

Stop it all.

And start believing.

Believe that Jesus is the Christ, the Savior of the world. Believe that the doctrines of the Church are true. Believe that you are blessed and that more blessings are coming. Believe that the one blessing you reeeeeeally want is on it’s way. Believe that you are exactly where you need to be on the path that will eventually bring joy and fulfillment. Believe that you can feel joy and excitement and fun NOW. Believe that your desires are not bad and don’t make you bad. Believe that you are enough exactly the way you are.

When you truly, madly, deeply believe these things (and more), you will start to FEEL them in your body. That’s how you will know you believe them. And then what to DO will become clear.

When your mind is in the right place, your actions will be too. You will keep the standards of the Church for the right reasons or not at all. You will do the calling or go to the temple or read your scriptures because you love the Lord, not because you are trying to “get blessings.”

The Lord wants you because He loves you. But he isn’t going to force or chase. You have to come to Him for the right reasons. If you feel like he is ignoring you, maybe he is just waiting for you to truly love him first. Maybe the blessings you have already received match devotion you have already given.

God is asking us to raise the bar, to lengthen our stride, to be more committed. By necessity, that means that some people will be left behind. We are in a refining time in our Church. We are at a turning point. And it feels uncomfortable. It’s supposed to.

The question is: what do you really want to believe? Not because it will bring blessings, but because it feels right to you?

I hope you want to believe you are enough. Jesus Christ made you so with his sacrifice.

***

If you want help with your unbelief, let’s have a conversation together. This is why I’m here. I promise I won’t try to get you to think or do anything. I am only here to help you discover who you are and what you want. But I am the perfect one for you, because I have lived with the Gospel and without it. I understand both ways. And I don’t think there is a right or a wrong way for you. I just think there is a way. Figuring it out is your work. I can be your loving, gentle, non-judgmental guide.

You are only one click away: calendly.com/denitabremercoaching

Negative emotion never comes from God.

While I was listening to this podcast today, (it’s so good, go listen to it!) I had a bit of an epiphany:

All positive emotion is from God.

All negative emotion is from the adversary.

In my opinion, these thoughts line up with this scripture:

For behold, the Spirit of Christ is given to every man, that he may know good from evil; wherefore, I show unto you the way to judge; for every thing which inviteth to do good, and to persuade to believe in Christ, is sent forth by the power and gift of Christ; wherefore ye may know with a perfect knowledge it is of God.

Moroni 7:16

Kurt Francom suggests that God is never disappointed in us in the podcast I mentioned. He gives lots of great evidence why this is. So I thought to myself, “Where does disappointment come from then?”

My first thought was that it comes from ourselves. But as I thought more, I came to the conclusion that the person who is ultimately the most disappointed is Satan. He must be living in disappointment from not keeping his first estate. And for centuries, he has seen how he missed the boat.

So what if God really never has any negative emotion toward us? What if he is just cheering us on, encouraging us, listening, loving?

I like to think of him watching us as if we are mice in a maze. He might be amused, but He is still also being our fan.

And what if, because of the principle of opposition in all things, Satan is the only one discouraging and confusing us, tearing us down, and making us feel bad?

I used to think there was a place for negative emotion such as guilt if it compels us to make positive changes. But now I see that guilt is just a mis-match between our personal values and our behavior.

Of course, it is human to feel negative emotion. It is part of being here on earth. We are in a fallen state.

I like to think that the mortal part of us naturally listens to the adversary. And our spirits naturally listen to the Spirit.

If we are never confused that the Spirit will only offer us positive emotion, then if we are feeling “bad,” we know that is coming from the adversary.

So, who do you want to listen to? And can you give yourself permission to learn from the negative emotion and listen to the positive?

If you aren’t taking action, maybe you don’t believe it will really help

Sitting in Relief Society today, a life coach lesson was reiterated to me through the scriptures.

And again, believe that ye must repent of your sins and forsake them, and humble yourselves before God; and ask in sincerity of heart that he would forgive you; and now, if you believe all these things see that ye do them.

Mosiah 4:10

Now, usually I would read that as “believe and then go do it.”

But what if what is actually being said is “If you believe, just watch– you’ll then do it.”

There is a relationship between our beliefs and our actions.

WHEN we believe, the action naturally follows.

The belief creates a feeling (faith, conviction, commitment, etc) which then drives the action.

I actually had an experience where I was laying in bed trying to fall asleep and thinking about my business. I had a thought, “People are waiting for me.” It actually created a feeling in my body that made me want to get up and go do some work right then.

So if you believe, you will do. If you aren’t doing, then you don’t really believe.

This might sound harsh, but it’s not. It’s a clear sign of what we need to work on.

What’s the scripture? “Help thou mine unbelief.” (Mark 9:24)

I think there are many levels of belief. We are striving for that deep level of KNOWING something that can’t be proven.

Let’s take reading scriptures as an example.

If you truly, honestly, deeply believe that reading scriptures daily will bring you blessings, then you will read your scriptures daily. If you aren’t reading your scriptures daily, then it’s a sign that you don’t really believe they will bring blessings/knowledge/etc.

Photo by Ben White on Unsplash

This can be applied to anything in our lives. It doesn’t have to be churchy stuff.

You might think you believe that date nights are important to your marriage. So then why aren’t you doing them regularly?

Because you don’t really believe they will make a difference in your marriage.

And when that’s your true belief, it’s easy to let date nights slide.

The action of not going on a date regularly shows you what you really believe.

You think you want the evidence first. As if it’s a one to one correlation. I go on a date with my husband —> everything is blissful in our relationship.

But the correlation isn’t always that direct.

You have to hold the belief first, then you will see how they are important to your marriage.

And here’s the kicker: if you don’t believe date nights are important, no amount of evidence will change your mind.

You must believe first to see the results.

So what action are you not taking? How can you use that as a sign of a belief that is lacking?

Mark 9:23 All things are possible to him that believeth.

Maybe you aren’t signing up for a free consult call because you don’t actually believe that I can help you?

What if I can? What if this is the very thing you have been looking for, and it was right here under your nose?

Just try on the thought that a life coach might be able to help you. When you believe it, then you will sign up. Not a moment before that.

You get results when you are willing to be vulnerable

Friends! I’ve made it! This is the 30th post in 30 days!

Thank you all for following along and reading.

Don’t worry, I will keep writing, but maybe not quite so often. I would like to give myself weekends off at least.

Have you been reading regularly, but not making yourself known?

I invite you to reach out. Be vulnerable.

The thing I learned from my vulnerable post yesterday is: you get results when you are willing to be vulnerable.

I hope you can see how this applies to sex and intimacy.

Your sexual relationship requires vulnerability from you.

When you open yourself up, you allow people to see the real you.

Intimacy = Into me see

Then they move closer.

That’s when you are able to surrender yourself to connection and pleasure.

It’s human nature to want to be connected.

We are social beings.

Even the least social among us.

There is a divinity within us that yearns for belonging, worth and love.

You belong.

You are valuable beyond measure.

You are lovable and loved.

Because if nobody else has said it today, I love you.

I cracked myself open yesterday and the 28 days before that, which allowed me to love myself more fully and that helps me love you more fully.

This post is so late (10:30 pm where I am) because I loved myself today.

I went slow.

I did what felt loving to me all day.

I scheduled a 9 pm massage.

It was lovely.

And you know what?

I totally deserved it.

I was worth it.

And so are you.

You are worth a close, loving marriage.

You are worth sexual pleasure.

It doesn’t make you dirty or bad or impure.

Loving your sex life– really doing the work to be vulnerable and getting closer to your spouse– will strengthen the mindset muscles you need to love yourself, love your life, and love other people.

It will change everything for you.

It doesn’t matter if you hire a coach because you want to lose weight, have anxiety or want a better sex life.

It all comes down to loving yourself and seeing that you have value.

And love feels so good.

When you love yourself, you are the one that gets to feel love.

And when you feel loved, you radiate it to the world.

It ripples out, creating goodness everywhere.

It becomes a true, genuine joy that connects you to everyone in the world.

I know this sounds a little woo-woo.

But it’s everything.

Love yourself.

If you could do what it takes to love yourself on your own, you would have done it already.

I invite you to schedule a chat with me.

Maybe we will click and maybe we won’t.

But you will never find out if you don’t try.

Take 1 hour to do something for yourself. I promise it will be worth it.

I will show you where your blind spots or stumbling blocks are.

I will explain how to address them.

Be vulnerable with me.

Whatever excuse your brain in giving you right now to not click that link to schedule a call, that is the reason why you really need to do it.

If you think you are too busy or don’t have enough time, I will help you make time in your life and create a life that is peaceful and purposeful.

If you think you are too shy or it would be embarrassing, feeling shy and embarrassed it the currency to getting what you want in life.

If you think I am going to pressure you to buy something, you are wrong. My job is just to be the champion for your dream. I truly just want to serve.

If you think your spouse wouldn’t approve, then you are giving all your power to him and I that is why you feel powerless, helpless, and unloved.

I use Christian principles, powerful life coaching tools, and love to help you live the life you want.

If you are reading this, I know I can help you. I believe 100% in the tools I use. And I believe in your capacity to change.

There is truly nothing to fear but fear itself.

Email me at denitabremercoaching at gmail dot com

or schedule using my online calendar: calendly.com/denitabremercoaching/consult

I’ll be waiting for your message.

XOXO
Your Life Coach, Denita

The one thing you are forgetting in all your relationship striving

Hey Lady,

I see you there.

I see how you are trying to do it all– be a good wife, mom, sister and daughter.

-Teach your kids well.

-Stay close to your husband so that your marriage is strong.

-Be there for your siblings.

-Accommodate your parents, even when it feels exhausting.

-Remember to pray, do scripture study and get to the temple “regularly.”

Relationships are important! Families are forever!

But sometimes you just want to hide or run away. (Not for real, just in your fantasy.) It feels like a heavy burden some days.

“People should be more important that stuff.”

And people are more important, you’re just forgetting a really important person in the equation of people and stuff.

You.

I know– that feels selfish.

We are socialized so hard on not being selfish, that when we do something for ourselves, we think we are being selfish.

Is it selfish that your daughter wants to keep doing gymnastics?

Or that your son enjoys baseball?

Or that your husband trains for that tough mudder?

Is it selfish that your parents want to take a trip for their anniversary and you won’t be celebrating with them?

Is it selfish that your sister and her husband are taking a trip and leaving their kids with you again?

No! None of these things are selfish. They are just preferences. Desires.

So how about it?

Your desires and preferences and needs are just as important as everyone else’s.

If you are feeling resentful, it is because in your mind, you are putting yourself as not as important. And because that isn’t true, it feels terrible.

So make yourself important.

It’s already the truth, you just gotta give yourself permission to start living it.

So what is it you would do just for you? (And let’s just pretend you don’t have to worry about money in this situation, ‘kay?)

Make time to write? Hire a house cleaner? Get a massage? Get back to dancing?

Dream big! Be honest!

Okay, so how can you do it? What’s getting in your way?

I know, you don’t have money for it. That’s the biggest complaint.

There’s a difference between making a temporary sacrifice and restricting your life.

I mean, what’s the purpose of your money if it’s not to pay for things that make life a meaningful life?

Sure, there are “necessities” like food, water and heat. I get that.

But if your finances are able to pay for anything beyond necessities, but you are miserable, then what’s the point?

And what if, by spending on that thing that will make you come alive, you can actually CREATE money for your family?

I know it might seem absurd, but when you are happy, you have less need for other things.

I just want you to think about it. What if you could afford it?

And the same holds true for time.

What if by taking better care of yourself, you actually create time in your life?

It could happen.

First, believe that you can find a way to make it work.

Second, love yourself enough to do it.

Third, go do it.

Go on. Don’t wait for me! Go be YOU!

XOXO,
Your life coach

An exercise for sexual triggers

If you have any history of sexual abuse or trauma of any kind, a likely experience regarding sex in your marriage is getting triggered.

I have a simple but powerful exercise to address this.

Journal out what happened to you. Try to remember as much detail as possible. This will most likely be an emotional experience. Pay attention to these emotions. Take note of what you are feeling and why. 

If you are afraid of being triggered, recognize that what you are really afraid of is feeling how you felt while the trauma was happening or immediately afterward. 

Let me use an example:

You might be afraid to be triggered because it makes you feel out of control. 

When you feel out of control, you want to shut down.

When you shut down, you get the result of feeling like you will always be afraid of trigger and feeling out of control. 

Notice that in this example, you are afraid of feeling out of control, but you already ARE out of control.

What if you could just feel out of control? 

Photo by Maia Habegger on Unsplash

You don’t need to be afraid of a feeling. 

A feeling is just a vibration in your body. 

You are human and therefore an expert in emotions. You feel emotions every day.

Releasing yourself from fearing the feeling takes off one layer of emotion and gets you closer to how you actually want to feel. 

Welcome the feeling. 

Name it when it happens.

Describe it in your body. 

It will come and go in waves, and eventually it may never come back.

Love you friend. 

Go forth and feel those feelings!

On the same page as your husband

What is it with wanting to be on the same page as your husband?

(It’s not just you, it’s me too.)

If your desire was just the same, or closer to his…

If you could just see eye-to-eye with how you spend your money…

If you could come to an agreement on how to parent that difficult child…

If you could both figure out how to navigate each other’s parents…

Things would be easier.

Our brains want things to take as little work as possible. Easier seems like it’s always better.

But is it?

Easier doesn’t give us diversity.

Easier doesn’t get us to our goals.

Easier doesn’t make us better people. 

Easier is the natural man.

Easier is Satan’s plan.

Photo by John-Mark Smith on Unsplash

Besides. Isn’t it better if you both have different strengths? Then when one of you is weak, the other is strong.

Isn’t it better to have adventure and fun in the bedroom?

Maybe there isn’t one right way to manage money.

Maybe your difficult kid needs both methods of parenting.

What if the way you each are is exactly the way it is supposed to be?

What if this whole beautiful life and everything in it is working for you, not against you?

Isn’t it diversity that makes our world a more beautiful place? (Imagine if roses were the only kind of flower.)

Don’t try to make yourself like him. And don’t expect him to be like you.

Two people who are the same don’t encourage each other to learn and grow.

People who are the same don’t effect change.

Reading this same page over and over again is no fun. 

Create your own story.

Sex and Money: something in common

It surprised me to realize that most of my clients who struggle with sex also struggle with money issues. Not all of them but most of them.

I started thinking about this connection to figure out why.

The first possibility is that they are not connected directly at all, but only correlated.

Maybe it’s just that my Latter-day Saint target market all feel like they don’t have enough money. They tend to have one-earner families and many mouths to feed.

Maybe Christians are just more conservative and both sex and money are problems separately. 

Maybe both problems are just rampant.

But something within me says the same thing that makes sex difficult makes money scarce.

Scarce. Hm….

Scarcity can be a mindset. 

Usually when you think one thing is scarce, that shows up in other areas as well. 

But is sex scarce?

Photo by Anthony Tran on Unsplash

Upon further reflection, I realized that scarcity comes from a place within you. 

Scarcity comes from feeling like you are not enough.

And THAT is what most of my clients have in common.

They struggle with sex, because they don’t feel like they are enough so they don’t show up fully. They hide. 

When you feel like you are not enough, then there will never be enough money either. 

Feeling like you aren’t enough leads you to try to prove your worth. You start looking at things outside of you to show you are enough. 

If you make or have enough money than you are enough.

If you perform well, then you are enough.

If your kids behave, then you are enough.

If sex is good, your husband will love you more and you will be enough.

This is a subconscious drive within us to feel like we are enough, valuable.

Let me just help you out right now:

YOU ARE ENOUGH.

Nothing outside of you is going to prove it.

In order to have enough money and good enough sex, you have to believe first that you are enough.

But friend- you are enough. Just the way you are. 

Lean into it.

Believe it.

Then watch your life change.

PS. Once you believe you are already enough, then everything you do will be just because you want to. It will come from a place of abundance. That energy fueling your actions will create more abundance in your life.

***

If you want to work on this, come join my email list or my Facebook group.

Love yourself to improve the world

Elder Uchtdorf recommends 5 steps to share the Gospel with the world:

  1. Draw close to God.
  2. Fill your heart with love for others.
  3. Strive to walk the path of discipleship.
  4. Share what is in your heart.
  5. Trust the Lord to work His miracles.

Two things struck me during our lesson today in reference to this topic:

  1. Several times, the discussion leader and others in the audience said, “missionary work is hard.” My thought was, “Missionary work is hard if you think it is hard.” What if missionary work is actually really easy?

    What if believing something is difficult is what makes it difficult? We can apply this to anything in our lives. If we believe sex is difficult, then our brains will find all the evidence that it is difficult. When we work on believing sex is easy, we will find evidence for that as well.
  2. It is difficult to fill our hearts with love for others when we don’t have love for ourselves. Loving ourselves always comes first. Our brain doesn’t compartmentalize our lives. The same “muscles” we use to love ourselves are what we need to develop in order to love others.

    A lack of loving ourselves is something I see often in my coaching. I am seeing more and more how a lack of love is truly at the root of all our problems.
Loving one another includes loving yourself.
Photo by Jon Tyson on Unsplash

So my Sabbath message to you tonight is to work on loving yourself. You are 100% lovable and worthy. Believe that it’s true and it will come true.

Roughly 2.5 years ago I found these life coaching ideas. The past few days I have allowed myself to spend some time filling up in gratitude for all the personal progress I have made on myself, and the opportunity I have to share with others. I love myself so much more than when I started out. I believe that I am enough. I know that nothing I do can prove my value, so everything I do is because I want to- because I want to share the goodness that has come into my life. In a blessing I received years ago I was told that I would be successful in my work and my career. To me, success means serving others and improving their lives. I can’t wait for that to come true!

I love the Gospel I live. I love Jesus Christ who is my Savior. I KNOW he lives. I am so grateful for my family and this amazing dream life I am living. I have been blessed beyond what I deserve. Every day I am trying to be an example of happiness and joy so that others will feel moved to do the same. Because anything is possible!