To Know Him

I had a little disagreement with my husband last weekend over division of responsibility of household chores. The age-old “I want you to WANT to do the dishes.” 🙄🤮 But as I dug deep to figure out WHY I wanted to feel appreciated in this particular way, I journaled, “It says ‘I know you.’” And “It would mean I am noticeable, special, unique…” I think this is something every human wants to know: that they are loved and treasured.

Fast forward to yesterday when I attended a bible study class my stake hosts. It’s one of those classes that I’m always grateful I attend after the fact, but try to talk myself out of going beforehand. But every time I attend, I feel the Spirit telling me this is how God is speaking to me and I need to be there.

Part of the discussion centered on Christ’s intercessory prayer and how he wants us to have eternal life “that they might know thee, the only true God…” (John 17:3). And the teacher had us read this quote by Bruce R McConkie: “It is one thing to know about God and another to know him….[W]e know [him] when we enjoy and experience the same things [he does]. To know God is to think what he thinks, to feel what he feels, to have the power he possesses, to comprehend the truths he understands, and to do what he does. Those who know God become like him, and have his kind of life, which is eternal life.”

And then the💡 went off for me: I am asking my husband and my kids to know me the way God wants us to know him…. but I don’t always do that. I don’t always even know myself! How can I expect them to do it? I am walking around this world with a very self-centered point of view, yet I am asking the people I love most to NOT do that very thing.

Needless to say, I was humbled. The Spirit again reminded me why I should be in that class every week: Heavenly Father knows EXACTLY what I need and meets me there in that class. And isn’t that the ironic thing? I don’t even need my family to know me intimately because Christ does. He already experienced every pain and frustration I feel. How do I know? There have been too many “coincidences” to be anything else.

Your sex life ebbs and flows– and why that’s good news.

Hello blog people! Let me tell you– building a business is not for the faint of heart! I have been doing big things behind the scenes and writing kinda…. fell away for a while. It has been on my mind and my heart for many weeks now, so here I am.

One thing I want to remind you is that your sex life is just one slice of your life.

I want to remind you that everything in life ebbs and flows. It’s not a check box. You don’t arrive at a “good sex life.” It comes, it goes. Just like the seasons.

There are a couple reasons why this is such good news. First of all, without any effort at all- just the passing of the seasons- your sex life may take a turn for the better. Sometimes time heals. And secondly, if you have been feeling like Something Has Gone Wrong… consider the idea that nothing has gone wrong, you just haven’t figure it out yet.

Sex is a skill. It is one of the best thoughts I can teach you. You can get better at it. Or you can just decide you are already good at it (it’s just your lower brain trying to convince you otherwise.)

Because really? What difference does it make if you ARE good at sex, or if you just think you are? Thinking you are good at something will make it so, at least with practice.

Thirdly, if sex is a flow, it relinquishes you from thinking that it is all up to you. Just like you can’t make a plant grow, you can’t control all the factors that pop up between two people in a relationship. You can only do your part. You plant the seed, and water it, and make sure it gets good sunlight, and hopefully it grows. If it doesn’t grow, it doesn’t mean that you’ve done anything wrong. Maybe it just wasn’t meant to be. Maybe you are missing a critical piece of information. But you are not at fault. And the seed is not at fault either.

I think the easiest way to love your sex life is to just decide to love it however it currently is. Nothing has gone wrong and it is beautiful. I promise that will get you closer to a “good” sex life than any action advice I could propose.

All of this seems pretty simple. Just decide! But it is not easy.

If you are ready to love your sex life, I can help with that. Join me for a free consultation call where I will show you why you aren’t loving it now and what to do about it. Awareness is crucial! You can’t change anything you don’t understand! I will teach you why your brain would rather you just stay the same and how to overcome that.

I know I can help you. The question is: Are you ready?

If you aren’t taking action, maybe you don’t believe it will really help

Sitting in Relief Society today, a life coach lesson was reiterated to me through the scriptures.

And again, believe that ye must repent of your sins and forsake them, and humble yourselves before God; and ask in sincerity of heart that he would forgive you; and now, if you believe all these things see that ye do them.

Mosiah 4:10

Now, usually I would read that as “believe and then go do it.”

But what if what is actually being said is “If you believe, just watch– you’ll then do it.”

There is a relationship between our beliefs and our actions.

WHEN we believe, the action naturally follows.

The belief creates a feeling (faith, conviction, commitment, etc) which then drives the action.

I actually had an experience where I was laying in bed trying to fall asleep and thinking about my business. I had a thought, “People are waiting for me.” It actually created a feeling in my body that made me want to get up and go do some work right then.

So if you believe, you will do. If you aren’t doing, then you don’t really believe.

This might sound harsh, but it’s not. It’s a clear sign of what we need to work on.

What’s the scripture? “Help thou mine unbelief.” (Mark 9:24)

I think there are many levels of belief. We are striving for that deep level of KNOWING something that can’t be proven.

Let’s take reading scriptures as an example.

If you truly, honestly, deeply believe that reading scriptures daily will bring you blessings, then you will read your scriptures daily. If you aren’t reading your scriptures daily, then it’s a sign that you don’t really believe they will bring blessings/knowledge/etc.

Photo by Ben White on Unsplash

This can be applied to anything in our lives. It doesn’t have to be churchy stuff.

You might think you believe that date nights are important to your marriage. So then why aren’t you doing them regularly?

Because you don’t really believe they will make a difference in your marriage.

And when that’s your true belief, it’s easy to let date nights slide.

The action of not going on a date regularly shows you what you really believe.

You think you want the evidence first. As if it’s a one to one correlation. I go on a date with my husband —> everything is blissful in our relationship.

But the correlation isn’t always that direct.

You have to hold the belief first, then you will see how they are important to your marriage.

And here’s the kicker: if you don’t believe date nights are important, no amount of evidence will change your mind.

You must believe first to see the results.

So what action are you not taking? How can you use that as a sign of a belief that is lacking?

Mark 9:23 All things are possible to him that believeth.

Maybe you aren’t signing up for a free consult call because you don’t actually believe that I can help you?

What if I can? What if this is the very thing you have been looking for, and it was right here under your nose?

Just try on the thought that a life coach might be able to help you. When you believe it, then you will sign up. Not a moment before that.

Why I am a life coach

Yesterday I watched a Simon Sinek Tedx talk about knowing your why.

It got me thinking about my why.

This is what I realized (while I was in the temple).

I want to share it with you:

I deeply believe that our deepest purpose is to learn who we are and become more. That is Heavenly Father’s plan for us.

How do we become more? There are so many ways. The way I’ve figured out is through life coaching. Life coaching helps us see what we are thinking and believing, so that we can remove any belief that is preventing us from growing.

What happens when we do this? We become more confident. We love ourselves more. We experience genuine joy. 

Genuine JOY. 

That is the purpose.

The clients I work with understand their identity more, see their value better, gain confidence and are able to set and reach goals.

I love seeing their results!

If this sounds like something you want, email me or sign up for a free consult call. I will show you what is getting in your way and help you make a plan to address it.

And if you want to watch a video of me explaining my why, find me on Facebook at Denita Bremer Coaching. I have a free group there as well if you want to ask for free coaching.

You get results when you are willing to be vulnerable

Friends! I’ve made it! This is the 30th post in 30 days!

Thank you all for following along and reading.

Don’t worry, I will keep writing, but maybe not quite so often. I would like to give myself weekends off at least.

Have you been reading regularly, but not making yourself known?

I invite you to reach out. Be vulnerable.

The thing I learned from my vulnerable post yesterday is: you get results when you are willing to be vulnerable.

I hope you can see how this applies to sex and intimacy.

Your sexual relationship requires vulnerability from you.

When you open yourself up, you allow people to see the real you.

Intimacy = Into me see

Then they move closer.

That’s when you are able to surrender yourself to connection and pleasure.

It’s human nature to want to be connected.

We are social beings.

Even the least social among us.

There is a divinity within us that yearns for belonging, worth and love.

You belong.

You are valuable beyond measure.

You are lovable and loved.

Because if nobody else has said it today, I love you.

I cracked myself open yesterday and the 28 days before that, which allowed me to love myself more fully and that helps me love you more fully.

This post is so late (10:30 pm where I am) because I loved myself today.

I went slow.

I did what felt loving to me all day.

I scheduled a 9 pm massage.

It was lovely.

And you know what?

I totally deserved it.

I was worth it.

And so are you.

You are worth a close, loving marriage.

You are worth sexual pleasure.

It doesn’t make you dirty or bad or impure.

Loving your sex life– really doing the work to be vulnerable and getting closer to your spouse– will strengthen the mindset muscles you need to love yourself, love your life, and love other people.

It will change everything for you.

It doesn’t matter if you hire a coach because you want to lose weight, have anxiety or want a better sex life.

It all comes down to loving yourself and seeing that you have value.

And love feels so good.

When you love yourself, you are the one that gets to feel love.

And when you feel loved, you radiate it to the world.

It ripples out, creating goodness everywhere.

It becomes a true, genuine joy that connects you to everyone in the world.

I know this sounds a little woo-woo.

But it’s everything.

Love yourself.

If you could do what it takes to love yourself on your own, you would have done it already.

I invite you to schedule a chat with me.

Maybe we will click and maybe we won’t.

But you will never find out if you don’t try.

Take 1 hour to do something for yourself. I promise it will be worth it.

I will show you where your blind spots or stumbling blocks are.

I will explain how to address them.

Be vulnerable with me.

Whatever excuse your brain in giving you right now to not click that link to schedule a call, that is the reason why you really need to do it.

If you think you are too busy or don’t have enough time, I will help you make time in your life and create a life that is peaceful and purposeful.

If you think you are too shy or it would be embarrassing, feeling shy and embarrassed it the currency to getting what you want in life.

If you think I am going to pressure you to buy something, you are wrong. My job is just to be the champion for your dream. I truly just want to serve.

If you think your spouse wouldn’t approve, then you are giving all your power to him and I that is why you feel powerless, helpless, and unloved.

I use Christian principles, powerful life coaching tools, and love to help you live the life you want.

If you are reading this, I know I can help you. I believe 100% in the tools I use. And I believe in your capacity to change.

There is truly nothing to fear but fear itself.

Email me at denitabremercoaching at gmail dot com

or schedule using my online calendar: calendly.com/denitabremercoaching/consult

I’ll be waiting for your message.

XOXO
Your Life Coach, Denita

When you feel pressure from your husband

I talked about pressure to have sex here, but I wanted to add to that a bit tonight.

I often hear women saying something to this effect:

“My husband has higher desire. I never feel like having sex. I have young kids and not a lot of time. I always feel so much pressure from my husband. If I am wearing make-up or dress nicely or even just kiss passionately, he will want sex, so I avoid those things. And then when I do agree to have sex, he seems to push me to do things that I don’t want to do and it makes me not want to have sex anymore.”*

If this describes your feelings about sex, I want you to think about this: why don’t you just say no? You don’t want to have sex, but you also don’t want to say no to sex.

Saying no to sex makes you feel guity.

Not saying no makes you feel pressure.

Your brain doesn’t like either of these options, but in this scenario, your brain would prefer the pressure to the guilt (because that is what you are feeling).

Feeling pressure keeps you from feeling guilt. Feeling guilt keeps you from feeling pressure.

I also want to teach you that pressure comes from your THOUGHTS.

IT DOESN’T COME FROM YOUR HUSBAND.

If a stranger came up to you and asked for sex, you wouldn’t feel any guilt for saying no. And if you didn’t actually say no, you wouldn’t feel any pressure. Maybe disgust or fear or any other number of feelings, but pressure likely wouldn’t be one of them. This is because you wouldn’t care what a stranger is thinking or feeling.

Pressure comes from your thoughts about what your husband is thinking or feeling.

Photo by Velizar Ivanov on Unsplash

Of course, our husbands’ opinions matter to us in so many ways.

But whether or not we “should” have sex doesn’t have to be one of them.

What if your husband could your grab your butt…

or you could kiss him passionately…

or you could wear whatever the heck you want…

and you wouldn’t feel pressure or guilt?

It’s not your job to manage your husband’s emotions.

I promise when you stop trying to make him feel a certain way and expecting him to make you feel a certain way, you will start focusing on what you really desire and the pressure will go away. Your relationship will grow to the next level.

This is not selfish because in the end, your husband will also benefit from this shift.

Last thing. Of course he always wants to have sex with you! You are amazing! He thinks you’re hot! You are smart and the mother of his children! Why wouldn’t he want to have sex with you?? You got it goin’ on!

*I am referring to a loving, non-abusive relationship.

God never said, “Thou shalt have sex with thy husband.”

When I was 5 years old, I walked to a convenience store with my parents. My nose was counter height and I remember standing there at the counter eyeing some little foil-wrapped chocolate footballs. They were probably five cents back in the mid-80’s. I picked one up to “look at it” and then dropped it into my pocket.

I totally stole a candy from a convenience store.

On the walk home, I felt so guilty about it that I threw the candy into some bushes.

I never told anyone about that for years, but it burned a hole into my memory.

Fast forward to today: The whole family was heading out to dinner, but my husband needed to leave directly from the restaurant to catch a flight, so he was driving separately. I pull out of the garage and out of habit, hit the button to close the garage door. Before I could reverse the garage door, my husband started backing out of the garage and the top of his car got scratched. It could have been much worse if the garage door had been damaged, but luckily it is fine.

I slide the window down and yell “Sorry! Habit!” and was on my way. My son said, “If I did that, Dad would be SOOOO mad.” I responded with, “Oh, Dad is really mad at me, but he can manage his own emotions.”

Over a 5 cent candy as a child I feel guilty for years. A possible hundreds of dollars worth of damage and no guilt today. Sure, I feel sorry, but guilty is not the descriptor I would use.

Even just two years ago, I probably would have cried over a mistake like this.

So why the change?

The answer is: I have learned how to manage my emotions and let others do the same.

(Let’s be realistic. Your average Joe does not manage their emotions. They react, resist or avoid their emotions. So when I say I let them manage their emotions, I mean I let them have their emotions and don’t feel responsible for them.)

I know that in most situations, guilt is not helpful.

Guilt is only useful in moral right and wrong. (So technically, my stealing at age 5 is an appropriate situation for guilt.)

Accidentally closing the garage door out of habit is not a moral wrong. I can try to make it right, and maybe I will get a paint kit for the scratches, but that’s about it. There’s no repenting needed. I apologized and that’s about all I can do. It was a simple mistake.

Photo by Bruno van der Kraan on Unsplash

I say all this, because guilt is a hot topic with sex.

But whether or not you have sex, or how often, is also not a moral right or wrong.

God never said “Thou shalt have sex with thy husband three times a week.”

Guilt will not be useful, and may even be harmful.

Remember, guilt means “I have done something wrong.” Sometimes it leads to shame, which is “I am something wrong.”

Why do you feel guilty when you don’t have sex, or don’t want to have sex?

It comes from a thought. Probably something along the lines of “I should have sex.”

Then, how do you act when you feel guilty?

You probably do some form of hiding– don’t talk openly about it, fall asleep, withdraw into your mind, etc. (Guilt likes to hide.)

And then the impact of those actions is that your husband continues to want sex with you and you continue to find evidence that you should have sex. It’s a self-perpetuating cycle that gets you nowhere.

Guilt is a negative emotion that our brains really want to avoid. So when you associate guilt with sex, your brain wants to avoid sex at all costs.

Here’s the other thing: your brain prefers the guilt to the resentment that comes when you do have sex, but you don’t want to. So recognize that guilt is the “better” option, but it is still optional.

When you gain confidence in yourself, a natural by-product will be less guilt. But you can choose to just not feel guilt now too.

What if it’s not true that you should have sex?

What if it’s ok if your husband is upset about it?

What if owning your emotional responsibility will eventually lead you to feeling closer to your husband? (With hotter sex?)

These are skills you can absolutely learn. And the great news is that they apply to every situation with any emotion, not just in the bedroom. Or in the garage as the case may be.

***

I have time this week for some consult calls if you are interested in learning more. Feel free to email me or hop on my calendar.

The one thing you are forgetting in all your relationship striving

Hey Lady,

I see you there.

I see how you are trying to do it all– be a good wife, mom, sister and daughter.

-Teach your kids well.

-Stay close to your husband so that your marriage is strong.

-Be there for your siblings.

-Accommodate your parents, even when it feels exhausting.

-Remember to pray, do scripture study and get to the temple “regularly.”

Relationships are important! Families are forever!

But sometimes you just want to hide or run away. (Not for real, just in your fantasy.) It feels like a heavy burden some days.

“People should be more important that stuff.”

And people are more important, you’re just forgetting a really important person in the equation of people and stuff.

You.

I know– that feels selfish.

We are socialized so hard on not being selfish, that when we do something for ourselves, we think we are being selfish.

Is it selfish that your daughter wants to keep doing gymnastics?

Or that your son enjoys baseball?

Or that your husband trains for that tough mudder?

Is it selfish that your parents want to take a trip for their anniversary and you won’t be celebrating with them?

Is it selfish that your sister and her husband are taking a trip and leaving their kids with you again?

No! None of these things are selfish. They are just preferences. Desires.

So how about it?

Your desires and preferences and needs are just as important as everyone else’s.

If you are feeling resentful, it is because in your mind, you are putting yourself as not as important. And because that isn’t true, it feels terrible.

So make yourself important.

It’s already the truth, you just gotta give yourself permission to start living it.

So what is it you would do just for you? (And let’s just pretend you don’t have to worry about money in this situation, ‘kay?)

Make time to write? Hire a house cleaner? Get a massage? Get back to dancing?

Dream big! Be honest!

Okay, so how can you do it? What’s getting in your way?

I know, you don’t have money for it. That’s the biggest complaint.

There’s a difference between making a temporary sacrifice and restricting your life.

I mean, what’s the purpose of your money if it’s not to pay for things that make life a meaningful life?

Sure, there are “necessities” like food, water and heat. I get that.

But if your finances are able to pay for anything beyond necessities, but you are miserable, then what’s the point?

And what if, by spending on that thing that will make you come alive, you can actually CREATE money for your family?

I know it might seem absurd, but when you are happy, you have less need for other things.

I just want you to think about it. What if you could afford it?

And the same holds true for time.

What if by taking better care of yourself, you actually create time in your life?

It could happen.

First, believe that you can find a way to make it work.

Second, love yourself enough to do it.

Third, go do it.

Go on. Don’t wait for me! Go be YOU!

XOXO,
Your life coach

Self-criticism during sex?

I’ve been reading Becoming Cliterate by Laurie Mintz, PhD. (I recommend it with reservations. It feels a little vulgar at times.)

She says, “When you’re engaged in sex with a partner, monitoring and evaluating yourself will diminish your sexual pleasure and orgasms. Psychologists call this “spectatoring.” Women’s most common form of spectatoring involves evaluating and worrying about their bodies, but women—and men—also have “performance” worries (worries bout whether they’re “doing it right,” being a good lover, taking too long to orgasm, etc.). Again, it’s impossible to have an orgasm if you’re thinking about such concerns. To have an orgasm, you need to switch your brain to “off mode.”

Do you engage in spectatoring?

Yeah, me too.

Photo by Natalia Figueredo on Unsplash

Mintz goes on to talk about how practicing mindfulness can help end spectatoring.

When you are practicing mindfulness, your mind is in your body, in the moment instead of thinking.

So before sex, you want to be aware of your thoughts and what they are. 

Choosing thoughts that will maximize confidence will help you have better sex.

But during sex, you don’t want to be thinking at all.

You want to be in your body. Focusing on the sensations. 

What do you feel with your hands?

What do you smell?

What do you taste?

What do you hear?

Notice the visual details.

When you notice yourself spectatoring, bring your mind back to the sensations of the moment, just like you do with meditating.

I have lots more to share about this book, but I wanted to encourage you to start practicing mindfulness now. Even just a couple minutes a day will help you improve your sex life.

You can do this throughout your day, while you do dishes, or as you are walking. 

Just practice focusing on all the sensations with whatever it is you are doing.

If you try this, come back and tell me how it went. I’ll be practicing myself.

An exercise for sexual triggers

If you have any history of sexual abuse or trauma of any kind, a likely experience regarding sex in your marriage is getting triggered.

I have a simple but powerful exercise to address this.

Journal out what happened to you. Try to remember as much detail as possible. This will most likely be an emotional experience. Pay attention to these emotions. Take note of what you are feeling and why. 

If you are afraid of being triggered, recognize that what you are really afraid of is feeling how you felt while the trauma was happening or immediately afterward. 

Let me use an example:

You might be afraid to be triggered because it makes you feel out of control. 

When you feel out of control, you want to shut down.

When you shut down, you get the result of feeling like you will always be afraid of trigger and feeling out of control. 

Notice that in this example, you are afraid of feeling out of control, but you already ARE out of control.

What if you could just feel out of control? 

Photo by Maia Habegger on Unsplash

You don’t need to be afraid of a feeling. 

A feeling is just a vibration in your body. 

You are human and therefore an expert in emotions. You feel emotions every day.

Releasing yourself from fearing the feeling takes off one layer of emotion and gets you closer to how you actually want to feel. 

Welcome the feeling. 

Name it when it happens.

Describe it in your body. 

It will come and go in waves, and eventually it may never come back.

Love you friend. 

Go forth and feel those feelings!