I recently heard a fellow life coach on a podcast talking about marriage. She said most struggling couples think they need better communication, but what they really need is more safety. (I’m paraphrasing here, go listen to the episode– it’s gold!)
I think this same principle applies to sex. Sometimes we think we just need to figure out what to DO, or how to tell our husbands what we need. Really we just need to trust ourselves and our husbands.
Trust is a form of safety.
When we think we don’t trust our partner, we feel uncertain or even fear. When we feel uncertain or fear, we act needy. We question them, we ruminate on what could go wrong, or even avoid them. (I mean, who wants to have sex when they are scared?) And when we act in these ways, the impact on ourselves is that we continue to feel uncertain and fearful. It’s a never-ending cycle that all starts with the thought.
On the other hand, when we choose to trust our partner, we feel safe. When we feel safe, we act in a relaxed way. We don’t even think about what could go wrong. We are focused on loving our partner and ourselves. And this reinforces our trust of both our husband and ourselves.
Here’s the other thing: sometimes we don’t trust– without cause. Would you rather be stuck in fear all the time until something happens that gives you good cause to fear? Or would you rather just be afraid when you really need to? Distrust holds us back from living a full life in the meantime.
Of course there are scary things that happen sometimes, but being afraid ahead of time doesn’t help. It might feel like it helps, but it never does. Fear keeps us in hiding. In order to prepare for the Scary Event, we need to stop hiding and, well, prepare!
If you find yourself in a position where you want to distrust your spouse, you can choose to trust them. The past is in the past. You can trust them going forward by thinking trusting thoughts.
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I am enrolling now for my Summer coaching program! Email me to set up a totally free consultation call. I promise it will be worth your time, even if you don’t enroll in the program. Do something for yourself this summer! denitabremercoaching@gmail.com