From Love Instead of For Love

Do you ever get frustrated because you can’t seem to DO the things you want to accomplish? I am right there with you!

Gretchen Rubin might call you an obliger, a personality who puts your own expectations last on your to-do list. Your personal goals or resolutions never come to fruition because you don’t stick to your plan. Then you get frustrated or discouraged and give up. But inevitably your drive to always be improving and striving leads you to restart those goals or new ones. And the cycle continues.

This has been the story of my life, and I just recently realized WHY. Another coach showed me how the root of this problem is that I don’t trust myself. I blame or deflect all results to something outside of me. I’m always looking for answers outside of myself. I don’t trust myself to make real decisions or know the answers… because if I fail, well then it would be my fault and THAT would feel like shame.

I’m constantly using willpower to accomplish what does get done. These tasks are usually fueled by a sense of obligation, not love or joy.

All of this because I can’t trust myself, because (let’s face it) I don’t much LIKE myself. I’m always trying to prove my worth by PERFORMING, but I can’t fully perform because I don’t trust myself to do what’s “right.” I’m on a mission to heal my trust with myself. I want to invite you to join me on this mission if any of this resonates with you.

What if— all this time— you have always been totally, completely enough… and there is nothing to prove? What if everything you do could be FROM love instead of FOR love? Imagine how much you would accomplish when there is no self-loathing. What would you spend your time on instead? We would be able to do our true work in the world instead of always overcoming ourselves!

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I am ALL IN on that! Are you?

Sexual rejection and its antidote

Rejection is a powerful emotion.

When we feel rejection, it usually means we aren’t likable, or we aren’t good enough.

This comes from primitive times when we were hunter-gatherers traveling in a pack. Being kicked out of the pack meant certain death.

But it rarely means death in our modern culture today.

Our brains are so scared of rejection that they would rather feel fear or guilt, or almost any other negative emotion.

Photo by Jp Valery on Unsplash

Rejection shows up in the bedroom frequently.

The spontaneous-desire partner may get turned down, and then they feel rejected.

When we feel rejected, we want to do anything to get away from that negative emotion, so we stop initiating sex or withdraw. We may get whiny or nag (not attractive).

Just notice that the rejection is just a thought in your mind.

Maybe your partner turned you down because they didn’t feel sexy.
Maybe your partner turned you down because they were really tired.
Maybe your partner turned you down because they were in a bad mood.

Notice, none of these reasons is about YOU.

But when they say no, you make it mean that they don’t like or love you the way you are. That you aren’t good enough.

What if it really only means they were tired or angry or feeling frumpy?

Sometimes we reject ourselves ahead of time so we don’t have to feel failure.

When we think others are judging us, we feel rejected, and then act in a way that is not in line with who we are, but instead who we think other people want us to be. In a sense, when we act in a way that is for others and against our true authenticity, we are rejecting ourselves. Because the alternative is to be true to ourselves and then someone not liking it and feeling rejected.

So if you are going to be rejected either way, why not do it in the way that feels authentic to you?

The antidote to rejection is self-love.

If you accept and love yourself no matter what, then what other people say and do doesn’t mean anything about you.

AND. You get to feel love, because when you love you are the one that feels the love.

So whether you are initiating sex, or dating, or are just out in the world being you, love yourself. Accept yourself as whole and worthy just the way you are.

Who knows? Maybe you loving yourself will be the inspiration or permission someone else needs to do the same.

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Does this post resonate with you? If so, you may want to check out my 20 Questions to Ask to Improve Your Sex Mindset.

Grant yourself permission

Every day we grant permission in a million little ways both explicitly and implicitly:

We swipe our cards giving the vendor permission to draw funds from our bank accounts.

We allow someone to spritz us with perfume in the department store.

We yield the right-of-way as we drive.

We allow people to speak to us in both positive and negative ways.

We invite people into our homes.

We allow the dental hygienist to inflict pain upon our gums.

We lend clothes to our teenager.

We read a book and let it change us.

We don’t take the time to unsubscribe from that email we hate seeing in our inbox.

You get the idea.

Photo by 胡 卓亨 on Unsplash

But do we allow ourselves the same permission? Or are our lives run by shoulds and musts?

Do we allow ourselves to speak kindly to ourselves?

Do we invite ourselves into our homes, figuratively?

Do we yield to our own selves?

Or are we held back by cultural and family ideals or pressures we don’t even realize are there?

If you are an adult, you are allowed to do and think whatever you want.

That is a thought that can free you up.

You don’t have to have a savings account if you don’t want to.

You can do the “irresponsible” thing if it fuels you.

You can believe your body is beautiful. No. matter. what.

Now. This doesn’t mean that whatever you do doesn’t have consequences. Everything has consequences.

It just means that all the options are on the table. Even if they never seemed to be before.

In most cases, you are the one that needs to grant yourself permission.

So what do you really want, and what’s been holding you back? Is it just a matter of granting yourself permission?

7 Things to Know about Love that will help you love unconditionally

Yesterday I tried something new. I offered a free online class about unconditional love, lovability and what keeps us from them. I was so excited when FIVE amazing women showed up to listen to what I had to say and let me coach them! I love increasing the love in the world!

Photo by Tyler Nix on Unsplash

Since it was a success, I thought I would summarize a few key points I taught. It IS Valentines Day after all!

  1. Love is a feeling. Feelings come from our thoughts. Therefore, if you want to feel more love, you need to think loving thoughts. Easy-peasy, right? <wink, wink>
  2. We are all 100% lovable— able to be loved. This comes from God. It is set. No one can become more lovable.
  3. Lovable is not to be confused with lovability, or your ability to love. Our spouse might be lovable, but our ability to love them might be diminished. There are many reasons why. You are 100% lovable, but that doesn’t mean your spouse has 100% capacity to love you. This is not about you, it is about your spouse.
  4. Unconditional love is loving no matter what. This is a skill that can be developed and it does NOT come naturally. So if you find someone difficult to love unconditionally, (that teenager maybe?) just know that it is normal for it to be difficult but you can work on it.
  5. Practicing unconditional love on others enables us to love ourselves unconditionally. Self-love is the answer to just about any relationship issue. Applying 1-4 to ourselves is self-love.
  6. Self-protection, the need for revenge, judging others and having rules for people in our lives all keep us from loving unconditionally. But there is never a good reason to NOT love.
  7. When we love, we are the ones that get to feel that love. It doesn’t jump into another person’s body. This means we can love people if even they don’t want us to or when logically it seems wrong. When we love people, we are the ones that feel the love.

If this helped you at all and you want more detail, I recorded my class from yesterday and I would LOVE to share it with you. Email me at denitabremercoaching at gmail dot com, or follow me on instagram (@denitabremercoaching) and DM me there so I can send it to you.

Happy Valentine’s Day!