If my clients can get vulnerable, I can too.

I have to tell you something private. This was not in my blogging plan. And it’s a little vulnerable– maybe borderline TMI. (Don’t tell my hubby that I wrote this out for the entire internet to read. Although we all know in his heart of hearts he would love to brag about this.) I figure if my clients can open up and be vulnerable, I can too.

Today has been a super full day. My girls leave for girl’s camp in the morning and they not only had to pack, but shop for clothes. There was a BBQ and voice lessons and piano lessons and grocery shopping and laundry and ALL. THE. THINGS.

But at one point I found myself making out with my husband. With two kids in the house. Awake.

So first of all Mama of little ones: know that it gets better. Those kids who need you constantly, who make you all “touched-out,” get to a point where you can leave them unsupervised for chunks of time.

We had a kid pick-up and drop-off to make, so the making-out had to be put on hold. He ran that kid around and when he got home… well…. {we had sex}. Again with kids in the house and awake. And it was good. (TMI?)

I share this because not too long ago, I would have never been able to do it. During the day, when it was light out, and kids. Kids! Awake!

I used to think I was too tired and busy. I used to think that if I had sex whenever he wanted it, we would constantly be in bed and I would never get anything done. I used to believe sex was for him.

No longer my friend. It only took us 15 minutes and I have been able to get everything done today that I had planned!

Who have I become?!

I have become a woman who loves her sex life. Who loves sex. Who’da-thunk?

I have been able to let go of so many obstacles to get to this point. And it is not a gimmick when I say that life coaching is what got me here. Because all those obstacles I speak of? They were all in my mind.

My husband and I have been blessed with a strong and passionate marriage. But I am still the lower/responsive desire in my marriage like so many of you are. Our sex life has not always been an easy thing for both of us.

But I am living proof that it CAN be.

I am filled with gratitude at this life of mine. I am literally living my dream. My marriage is amazing. I feel like I am a fabulous mom. Sure there are relationships I could work on, but these ones that I have contact with daily, if not by the minute are the ones I care the most about. This is the abundant life.

Friends, I invite you to schedule a free call with me. I’d love to show you how you can live your most abundant life. A great sex life is the proof. And if you aren’t ready for that, join my Facebook group, follow me on Instagram or Facebook or grab my free pdf to get yourself started on improving your sex mindset.

Sexual pressure after date night? Here’s what to do.

My husband and I decided to go on a dinner date tonight and talk about our family budget. We had some financial decisions to make.

On the way to the restaurant, I casually said, “What should I write about for my blog tonight?” and jokingly added, “Maybe the pressure to have sex after a date night?”

He replied, “Sure, but I still get sex, right?”

Oh the irony.

Photo by Tim Foster on Unsplash

When we feel pressure to have sex– or do anything for that matter– our brains do not like that feeling and want to get far away from it. We do things that temporarily relieve the pressure, like eating chocolate, watching TV, scrolling social media, etc. It could even be sleep or read. Those activities feel better than the pressure-inducing activity.

The pressure to have sex creates a result that is anything BUT sex.

It seems counter-intuitive. It seems like if there is pressure, you would be more likely to just get the thing done, but that is not how the brain works.

The pressure doesn’t come from your spouse or the sex or anything outside of you. It comes from your thought that you should have sex. Or he wants you to. Pressure always comes from your thought about the situation.

What I recommend instead is to recognize that you always have a choice. Just because you go on a date night with your husband doesn’t mean that you have to have sex. When we see it as a choice, there is no pressure.

You may want to have sex. Or maybe not. But you might decide that you’ll have sex anyway because that’s the kind of wife you want to be. Or because it’s fun. Or because you want to feel close to your husband. Being intimate out of choice or desire will always produce better results for yourself than pressure.

***

I would love your feedback. Do you have a comment or question or a curiosity I can address in a future post?

You are enough.

You are enough. You are not broken. Nothing has gone wrong.

These are words I have to keep believing for both myself and for my clients.

In Emily Nagoski’s book Come As You Are, she says

[W]hat most of us want is to feel normal. (In fact, one of the normal things about your sexuality is to worry sometimes about whether you’re normal. Yes, being worried about being normal is… normal.)

page 326

Nogoski goes on to say that when we want to be normal, what we really want is to belong. This makes sense from an evolutionary point of view. Not belonging was very dangerous for early humans. This innate desire to belong keeps us alive.

Photo by Niklas Hamann on Unsplash

Last week I faced this desire in myself:

I’ve been wanting to clear up my money mindset. I asked my coach to help me move from scarcity thinking about money to abundance thinking about money. Twice. Both times, the coaching conversation went to my relationship with my husband.

I’ll admit I was a little frustrated at first. But then I got curious with myself. Why was this happening? What was really going on?

After much digging and reflection and tears, I made this realization: money and my marriage both make me confront whether I truly am enough or not.

There was this moment in my self-coaching that I thought “If he doesn’t think the same way I do, then I am all alone. And if I’m all alone, then nobody wants to be around me, and I am not enough.”

Now, logically, I know this doesn’t make sense. But it’s what my brain was telling me.

I realized that my scarcity thinking with money, (there’s never enough, you have to work hard for it, there is only a fixed amount, etc) stems from my scarcity thinking about myself.

And in that moment, even though I have done so much work on myself and my confidence, I recognized I still have so far to go.

This experience reminded me of a recent consultation call with a new client. I was explaining what coaching would look like and I had this impression to tell her:

You are enough. You are not broken. Nothing has gone wrong.

And she burst into tears. Because that is what we all want to hear.

So that is my message to you today also. You are enough. You are not broken. Nothing has gone wrong.

Is people-pleasing holding you back?

Something keeps coming up in my coaching that we need more awareness over. It’s something that is prevalent amongst women and especially mothers. It sounds like a good thing, but it is breeding resentment and anger and it is preventing us from being in full integrity with ourselves. 

People pleasing. Have you heard of it? Do you do it?

People pleasing is doing what someone else wants because you think it will make them feel good and in turn, will make you feel good. This is different from kindness. Kindness is doing something for someone else because that’s the kind of person you want to be. It’s all about the motive— why you are doing what you are doing.

Now. People pleasing seems good. It seems like we all should be a little more selfless and do things for other people. Wouldn’t it make the world a better place? Of course it would. But not by people pleasing. Let me tell you why.

People pleasing is dishonest. It’s you agreeing to do something, explicitly or otherwise, that you don’t really want to do. You SAY you would be happy to make those cupcakes for the school event, but really you don’t want to. You are not really speaking your truth. 

People pleasing tells the world that you are not as valuable as everyone else. You put your own needs/wants lower down on the priority list. This feels terrible because it is a human need to feel like we have value. And guess what— you think it will feel good for the other person, but often it does not. Would you rather someone do something for you willingly or grudgingly? When you are doing something that is not really what you want to do, over time you will get resentful. That is because resentment comes from not taking care of your own needs. And people pleasing puts others’ needs before your own. 

And lastly, people pleasing prevents you from taking responsibility for your own feelings and perpetuates that same thing in others. The only reason you are doing the thing you do for someone else is because you think it will make them happy. Or that not doing it will make them sad or angry. But if their feelings come from their own thoughts, then it isn’t even possible for you to make someone else happy, sad or angry. Sometimes you do the thing and they don’t feel happy— what’s that all about? So in a way people pleasing is gambling your time or effort away. Sometimes it pays off and sometimes it doesn’t. And it never makes you feel good, because you are working against yourself.

Photo by Jez Timms on Unsplash

So how do you know you are people pleasing and not just being kind? Here are a few symptoms. These don’t necessarily mean you are people pleasing but are good indicators:

-You drag your feet, you act grudgingly.

-You don’t enjoy whatever it is.

-You expect something in return, even if it is not explicitly stated. You keep a count in your mind. 

-You feel resentful. And sometimes angry.

-You dream about ways to stop.

-You “take things out” on the person and you don’t know why.

-When you ask yourself the question, “Why am I doing this?” you answer, “Because it will make them happy.” or “It will make them love me.” These answers sound noble, but if they come at the cost of your own happiness or love, you are just swapping your own feelings for someone else’s. A better answer would be that you want to do something for someone else because that is the kind of person you are. I promise it will feel much better to you if you can make that your truth. 

Once you recognize your people pleasing tendencies, you may want to know how to stop. On the screen it might seem easy, but this is a lot harder to implement in real life. If you are a people pleaser, you likely have been doing this for a long time and it’s a habit. Habits, of course, can be broken, but it takes time and effort:

  1. Before you commit to anything, ask yourself if you have time and desire to do it. If the answer is no for either one, politely decline. 
  2. Recognize that your own needs are just as valid as anyone else’s. 
  3. Ask yourself “Why would I do this?” If you like your reason, then go ahead. If your reason is rooted in fear then politely decline.
  4. Start taking responsibility for your own feelings instead of assigning them to someone or something outside of yourself. Fuel you before you poor yourself into others. I promise your kids, your husband, your friends will all appreciate an honest, loving person than one that is people pleasing.
  5. Decide what you will and won’t do ahead of time based on the kind of person you want to be.

Easy, right? 😉

I hope this helps you decrease the resentment and anger in your life and show up for yourself in a way that feels a lot better. I would love to hear if you tried any of these recommendations and how it went. If you want help dealing with your people pleasing habits, I would love to help you in a free session. Calendly.com/denitabremercoaching.

Denita

7 Things to Know about Love that will help you love unconditionally

Yesterday I tried something new. I offered a free online class about unconditional love, lovability and what keeps us from them. I was so excited when FIVE amazing women showed up to listen to what I had to say and let me coach them! I love increasing the love in the world!

Photo by Tyler Nix on Unsplash

Since it was a success, I thought I would summarize a few key points I taught. It IS Valentines Day after all!

  1. Love is a feeling. Feelings come from our thoughts. Therefore, if you want to feel more love, you need to think loving thoughts. Easy-peasy, right? <wink, wink>
  2. We are all 100% lovable— able to be loved. This comes from God. It is set. No one can become more lovable.
  3. Lovable is not to be confused with lovability, or your ability to love. Our spouse might be lovable, but our ability to love them might be diminished. There are many reasons why. You are 100% lovable, but that doesn’t mean your spouse has 100% capacity to love you. This is not about you, it is about your spouse.
  4. Unconditional love is loving no matter what. This is a skill that can be developed and it does NOT come naturally. So if you find someone difficult to love unconditionally, (that teenager maybe?) just know that it is normal for it to be difficult but you can work on it.
  5. Practicing unconditional love on others enables us to love ourselves unconditionally. Self-love is the answer to just about any relationship issue. Applying 1-4 to ourselves is self-love.
  6. Self-protection, the need for revenge, judging others and having rules for people in our lives all keep us from loving unconditionally. But there is never a good reason to NOT love.
  7. When we love, we are the ones that get to feel that love. It doesn’t jump into another person’s body. This means we can love people if even they don’t want us to or when logically it seems wrong. When we love people, we are the ones that feel the love.

If this helped you at all and you want more detail, I recorded my class from yesterday and I would LOVE to share it with you. Email me at denitabremercoaching at gmail dot com, or follow me on instagram (@denitabremercoaching) and DM me there so I can send it to you.

Happy Valentine’s Day!