In this episode, I discuss messages I received about money. I offer two tips on how to think about your own money shame.
P.S. Coming soon– digital downloads for each episode!
We pay money, we get a product or a service. We devote time and in exchange get a relationship or knowledge. We give effort and in exchange become someone new.
Tonight my almost-teenager was frustrated about her growing acne even though she washes her face twice a day. (Poor girl!) I told her it might be because of something she’s eating… like sugar. She looked at me and said, “I’d rather have pimples and eat sweets than not eat sweets and have no acne.” As long as she knows she’s making that exchange.
Awareness of these life exchanges is where all your power lies. Sometimes it doesn’t seem like an exchange but a choice. For example, I want to get a new job, but I’m scared I’ll feel stressed all the time. But right now I need money. So do you want to feel stress or in bondage to your money? It’s just an example, but might help you make difficult decisions.
Just remember that it’s always an exchange. You are almost never giving something for nothing.
It surprised me to realize that most of my clients who struggle with sex also struggle with money issues. Not all of them but most of them.
I started thinking about this connection to figure out why.
The first possibility is that they are not connected directly at all, but only correlated.
Maybe it’s just that my Latter-day Saint target market all feel like they don’t have enough money. They tend to have one-earner families and many mouths to feed.
Maybe Christians are just more conservative and both sex and money are problems separately.
Maybe both problems are just rampant.
But something within me says the same thing that makes sex difficult makes money scarce.
Scarcity can be a mindset.
Usually when you think one thing is scarce, that shows up in other areas as well.
But is sex scarce?
Upon further reflection, I realized that scarcity comes from a place within you.
Scarcity comes from feeling like you are not enough.
And THAT is what most of my clients have in common.
They struggle with sex, because they don’t feel like they are enough so they don’t show up fully. They hide.
When you feel like you are not enough, then there will never be enough money either.
Feeling like you aren’t enough leads you to try to prove your worth. You start looking at things outside of you to show you are enough.
If you make or have enough money than you are enough.
If you perform well, then you are enough.
If your kids behave, then you are enough.
If sex is good, your husband will love you more and you will be enough.
This is a subconscious drive within us to feel like we are enough, valuable.
Let me just help you out right now:
YOU ARE ENOUGH.
Nothing outside of you is going to prove it.
In order to have enough money and good enough sex, you have to believe first that you are enough.
But friend- you are enough. Just the way you are.
Lean into it.
Then watch your life change.
PS. Once you believe you are already enough, then everything you do will be just because you want to. It will come from a place of abundance. That energy fueling your actions will create more abundance in your life.
Growing up my family was pretty poor. My mom was a teenager when I was born, and still a teenager two years later when my sister was born. Both parents dropped out of high school. While my mom stayed home to take care of us kids, my dad was a trash man, then worked in a lumber mill and later in a calcium/limestone mine. They were never married, but kudos to them for forging a life with children without many marketable skills.
While my dad worked very hard, money was always tight. Our basic needs were absolutely always met. We always had food, and even beer and soda were always around. We always had a roof over our heads. We always had clothes– and plenty of them– bought from the local second-hand store.
As the oldest child in the family, I somehow learned to worry about the money. Discussions in our family were very open; my parents never tried to hide anything from us– even the things they should have! Now, I don’t actually know what amount of money was coming in and going out. But I often had the impression that it could run out at any time, and that there was never enough. I remember in high school asking for $5 for dinner after my away tennis meet, and then bringing home the change to my dad. It was less than 50 cents and he looked at me strangely for trying to give it back to him, but I thought it was the way I could contribute to the family finances.
It wasn’t until I got coached on my resistance to spending money in my business that I realized I had a belief that was holding me back. My coach asked me why I didn’t want to spend money, and I thought the “problem” thought was “I shouldn’t have to spend money to be successful.” And you know what? I don’t have to spend money. I can find ways to create the vision I would like in my business without spending. But it’ll take more time and energy. When I thought about my future self and what she would say, it was clear that spending money on the things that would help my business run more smoothly now made complete sense. I left the coaching session feeling more empowered and practicing the thought, “I WANT to spend money in my business.”
As I continued on with my day, the coaching session was still going in the back of my mind. And as some point, I had an even bigger ah-ha moment: I realized that I thought spending money was negative. Spending money is neither good or bad; it is just a circumstance in our lives. In fact, we need to spend money to get food for our families or to pay for transportation, clothes, housing, etc. In many of these cases we would say NOT spending money is negative, especially if we have the money to spend. But my brain was telling me that all spending is a bad thing, and we should avoid it if possible. This was the root of my hang-up. Once I realize this, I immediately went and bought a few things for my business that I had been wanting to invest in. I don’t feel bad in the least, and I am happy to be stepping into my future self.
I hope you take away a couple of things from this somewhat-long-winded story:
1. I get coached. I continue to work on myself. I can’t be the best coach unless I put into practice the things I teach. I don’t want to just impact people on a logical/educational level. I want to move them emotionally, move them to action. It’s difficult to explain what a huge breakthrough acknowledging this belief was for me. I anticipate that it will perpetuate many subtle positive shifts.
And 2. The circumstances in our lives are neither good or bad. Circumstances are events, people or situations outside of our control that are generally provable. Everything else is a thought you are having. Circumstances are always neutral, meaning they aren’t good or bad… until we have a thought about them. You may find my example slightly morbid, but it’s so effective: Say your beloved grandmother died. You didn’t find out until 24 hours after she passed. When do you get sad about her passing? Is it at the moment of her death? No. It’s when you find out. Because it’s at that point that you have a thought about it. You can’t have a thought about it unless you know about it. Maybe you aren’t even sad. Maybe you are happy because she was in a lot of pain and was ready to go, so you have a thought that her passing was a good thing. The other way we know circumstances are neutral is because different people have different reactions to the same circumstances. And the same person may have a different reaction to the same circumstance at different points in their lives, because they have different thoughts. When we can separate circumstances from our thoughts about them, we gain not only power, but understanding.
I’ll leave you with that to ponder on. What circumstances do you have in your life that you think are making you feel negatively? Are they truly negative? Would everyone in the world agree? Can you identify your thoughts about each one individually? Is it possible anyone else thinks differently about the same circumstances?