You are enough.

You are enough. You are not broken. Nothing has gone wrong.

These are words I have to keep believing for both myself and for my clients.

In Emily Nagoski’s book Come As You Are, she says

[W]hat most of us want is to feel normal. (In fact, one of the normal things about your sexuality is to worry sometimes about whether you’re normal. Yes, being worried about being normal is… normal.)

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Nogoski goes on to say that when we want to be normal, what we really want is to belong. This makes sense from an evolutionary point of view. Not belonging was very dangerous for early humans. This innate desire to belong keeps us alive.

Photo by Niklas Hamann on Unsplash

Last week I faced this desire in myself:

I’ve been wanting to clear up my money mindset. I asked my coach to help me move from scarcity thinking about money to abundance thinking about money. Twice. Both times, the coaching conversation went to my relationship with my husband.

I’ll admit I was a little frustrated at first. But then I got curious with myself. Why was this happening? What was really going on?

After much digging and reflection and tears, I made this realization: money and my marriage both make me confront whether I truly am enough or not.

There was this moment in my self-coaching that I thought “If he doesn’t think the same way I do, then I am all alone. And if I’m all alone, then nobody wants to be around me, and I am not enough.”

Now, logically, I know this doesn’t make sense. But it’s what my brain was telling me.

I realized that my scarcity thinking with money, (there’s never enough, you have to work hard for it, there is only a fixed amount, etc) stems from my scarcity thinking about myself.

And in that moment, even though I have done so much work on myself and my confidence, I recognized I still have so far to go.

This experience reminded me of a recent consultation call with a new client. I was explaining what coaching would look like and I had this impression to tell her:

You are enough. You are not broken. Nothing has gone wrong.

And she burst into tears. Because that is what we all want to hear.

So that is my message to you today also. You are enough. You are not broken. Nothing has gone wrong.

5 steps to combat this epidemic of loneliness

I often hear women say that they don’t feel like they belong. Younger women, older women, those who never married, career women, those who long for children and stay-at-home moms. Age or status doesn’t seem to affect this epidemic of loneliness. The crafty women say they don’t fit in because they aren’t “hip” or “cool.” The career women don’t feel like they fit in because they aren’t available during the day for play dates and meet ups. The moms feel isolated from everyone because they are tethered to home, reliant upon nap times and feeding schedules. The single women are different because they were never able to find a spouse. Everyone feels lonely and nobody seems to want to take the first step to overcome it!

In this age of “social” media, we are more lonely than ever. Online tools are great for facilitating social activities, but showing up in person is still required if you want to meet new people or continue your current friendships, at least at a minimum level.

So what do we do about this epidemic of loneliness? Depression and anxiety are sky-high. The pressures of our western culture are driving us apart– and toward mental illness!

Just like everything else I teach, it has to be up to the individual. You only have control of you. You can’t wait for someone else to invite you over– that might never happen. Not because there aren’t people out there that want to get to know you, but because they don’t know who you are! You have to overcome your fear and put yourself out there. Define who you are so that your tribe will know!

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I have lived most of my life feeling separate and different from everybody else. I would always complain to my husband late at night before we each drifted off to sleep, about how the other moms didn’t like me. Nobody seemed to reciprocate my invitations. I talked too much and was too outspoken. Eventually I got to a place where I thought I didn’t need any friends, per se, because I had long-distance friendships and it was okay that I only had a few girlfriends. I tried to cover my feelings of loneliness with an “I don’t need them anyway” attitude. But deep down, I still craved more friendship and face-to-face interaction. I wanted people to want to be around me. Essentially, I wanted to know that I mattered to someone other than my husband and my kids.

Then I realized that I wasn’t the kind of person I would want to hang out with! I was showing up in my life in a way that didn’t invite others in. When I had thoughts about how others didn’t like me, or how I said the wrong thing, it would make me feel insecure and shy. When I felt insecure and shy, I tended to clamp my mouth shut and stay in the safety of the corner at a gathering. I probably gave off that “Don’t talk to me” vibe.

Well of course few people befriended me! My actions were probably scaring them away– and these actions stemmed from those thoughts about other people not liking me. And the kicker? Most likely my thoughts were pure fiction.

I’d like to offer 5 steps that you can implement into your life to combat the loneliness you feel:

  1. Take ownership over your own feelings. Feelings come from a thought you are having. Nobody is making you feel lonely except you. When you think thoughts like “I am lonely,” or “Nobody wants to be around me” or “I have no friends,” you will most likely feel lonely. Those thoughts aren’t serving you, even if they are true. Could you think something like “I just haven’t found my people yet” instead?
  2. Put yourself out there. People who love you just the way you are, wait patiently for you to reveal yourself to them. Make the first invitation. Host the party. Tell others your passions and desires.
  3. Be the kind of person you would want to spend time with. When you do this you will be a magnet for the exact people you seek.
  4. Brave rejection. It’s probably going to happen. But it doesn’t mean you don’t matter. Don’t make everything mean something about you; maybe that other person is just having a bad day, or even a bad year!
  5. If someone doesn’t like you, don’t take it personally. You are like a peach. A perfectly ripe and juicy peach. Anyone who doesn’t want to eat that would be crazy! But you know what? There might be people out there who just don’t like peaches. And that’s ok.

Thank you to Laura Tremaine and her 10 Things to Tell You podcast for starting this conversation. She is doing great things– follow her on instagram or listen to her podcast.

Are you feeling lonely? If so, reach out to me and start a friendly conversation by commenting. I would love to connect and talk about how we can overcome this epidemic of loneliness together. It takes a tribe, friends.

Until next time, don’t text and drive!