Episode 103: Why Loneliness is Such a Problem

The more I do this work of really noticing how I feel, the less I am able to push past my body’s needs of rest. So this episode is a bit late. And I’m not apologizing for it. Take it as permission to do the same for yourself.

In the past few weeks, I’ve had three separate learning experiences where the idea of loneliness being a problem came up. I’m actually surprised that I haven’t done an episode on it yet!

The first experience was a class within my Embodied Healing Systems certification in which we heard from Dr. Aimie Apigian about attachment theory. She taught us how in the first year of life, the infant is focused solely on creating a solid connection with their caregiver who keeps them alive. If that connection is formed, in the second year of life, the child starts to focus on being authentically themselves. Both connection and authenticity are drives within us that we need to thrive. Throughout our lives, everything we do comes back to one of these drives.

When the connection is not fully stable in that first year of life, we will forgo authenticity in order to create connection, which often creates a tension between the two needs. If our caregiver is not fully attuned, we will keep trying to create that connection. Loneliness is the signal that we aren’t getting that need met.

The second experience was another guest instructor, Jeff Simone, who spoke to us about addiction. He mentioned Dr. Gabor Maté and something that he says about trauma. Dr. Maté speaks to groups of people and often asks about what trauma in your childhood lead to addiction. For those in the audience that claim they had no childhood trauma, he asks further questions. And for the vast majority (all?) they feel like they couldn’t speak openly to their parents about what was happening in their lives. They had no safe space to express themselves. This is a form of trauma in and of itself.

The third experience was a fireside where Terryl and Fiona Givens spoke. They talked about the true nature of God (it’s not the God of the Old Testament) and how we should focus on Christ’s HEALING power instead of his saving power. They said throughout time, there have been translation errors propagated by the protestant Christian world as a whole throughout time.

This made me think about my experience with healing and how I couldn’t start truly healing until I had a safe person to show me the way. Most of us literally can’t heal on our own; we need another attuned person to help us.

All that to say: loneliness is an essential component of trauma. Because we are wounded in loneliness we heal in togetherness. This is why loneliness is such a problem.

I believe the most effective tool in my toolbox as a coach is a loving, accepting, open relationship with my clients.

I am aware that this may sound like I am trying to get you to coach with me. I assure you that is not my intention. I do not have enough room in my schedule to accommodate everyone who would need this type of support. But we all have someone- spouse, parent, child, friend, ward member- who we can reach out to IF THEY FEEL SAFE to get this kind of support.

I do have a few 1:1 spots open, but you can also connect with me through Voxer (@denitabremer) or schedule a free session and tell me your story. You can also come to my drop-in-pay-what-you-want coaching. These are totally free ways to get support from me. If you genuinely feel lonely and don’t have anyone else to turn to, I encourage you to take advantage of these offers.

Journaling questions: