Sex and Money: something in common

It surprised me to realize that most of my clients who struggle with sex also struggle with money issues. Not all of them but most of them.

I started thinking about this connection to figure out why.

The first possibility is that they are not connected directly at all, but only correlated.

Maybe it’s just that my Latter-day Saint target market all feel like they don’t have enough money. They tend to have one-earner families and many mouths to feed.

Maybe Christians are just more conservative and both sex and money are problems separately. 

Maybe both problems are just rampant.

But something within me says the same thing that makes sex difficult makes money scarce.

Scarce. Hm….

Scarcity can be a mindset. 

Usually when you think one thing is scarce, that shows up in other areas as well. 

But is sex scarce?

Photo by Anthony Tran on Unsplash

Upon further reflection, I realized that scarcity comes from a place within you. 

Scarcity comes from feeling like you are not enough.

And THAT is what most of my clients have in common.

They struggle with sex, because they don’t feel like they are enough so they don’t show up fully. They hide. 

When you feel like you are not enough, then there will never be enough money either. 

Feeling like you aren’t enough leads you to try to prove your worth. You start looking at things outside of you to show you are enough. 

If you make or have enough money than you are enough.

If you perform well, then you are enough.

If your kids behave, then you are enough.

If sex is good, your husband will love you more and you will be enough.

This is a subconscious drive within us to feel like we are enough, valuable.

Let me just help you out right now:

YOU ARE ENOUGH.

Nothing outside of you is going to prove it.

In order to have enough money and good enough sex, you have to believe first that you are enough.

But friend- you are enough. Just the way you are. 

Lean into it.

Believe it.

Then watch your life change.

PS. Once you believe you are already enough, then everything you do will be just because you want to. It will come from a place of abundance. That energy fueling your actions will create more abundance in your life.

***

If you want to work on this, come join my email list or my Facebook group.

You are enough.

You are enough. You are not broken. Nothing has gone wrong.

These are words I have to keep believing for both myself and for my clients.

In Emily Nagoski’s book Come As You Are, she says

[W]hat most of us want is to feel normal. (In fact, one of the normal things about your sexuality is to worry sometimes about whether you’re normal. Yes, being worried about being normal is… normal.)

page 326

Nogoski goes on to say that when we want to be normal, what we really want is to belong. This makes sense from an evolutionary point of view. Not belonging was very dangerous for early humans. This innate desire to belong keeps us alive.

Photo by Niklas Hamann on Unsplash

Last week I faced this desire in myself:

I’ve been wanting to clear up my money mindset. I asked my coach to help me move from scarcity thinking about money to abundance thinking about money. Twice. Both times, the coaching conversation went to my relationship with my husband.

I’ll admit I was a little frustrated at first. But then I got curious with myself. Why was this happening? What was really going on?

After much digging and reflection and tears, I made this realization: money and my marriage both make me confront whether I truly am enough or not.

There was this moment in my self-coaching that I thought “If he doesn’t think the same way I do, then I am all alone. And if I’m all alone, then nobody wants to be around me, and I am not enough.”

Now, logically, I know this doesn’t make sense. But it’s what my brain was telling me.

I realized that my scarcity thinking with money, (there’s never enough, you have to work hard for it, there is only a fixed amount, etc) stems from my scarcity thinking about myself.

And in that moment, even though I have done so much work on myself and my confidence, I recognized I still have so far to go.

This experience reminded me of a recent consultation call with a new client. I was explaining what coaching would look like and I had this impression to tell her:

You are enough. You are not broken. Nothing has gone wrong.

And she burst into tears. Because that is what we all want to hear.

So that is my message to you today also. You are enough. You are not broken. Nothing has gone wrong.