Becoming the Woman the Lord Intended

My whole life I have been driven by wondering who the Lord wants me to be and to become her.

Can you relate?

How do I know? If an angel were to come declare it to me, could I– would I– do whatever it takes to be her?

Am I falling short, or am I on the right track?

In the Bible Dictionary under “Faith” it says, one effect “of true faith in Jesus Christ [is] an actual knowledge that the course of life one is pursuing is acceptable to the Lord.

The first time I read this, it was like getting the breath knocked out of my body! How did someone write these exact words that describes what I yearn for so much?

Here’s what I have come to know in my almost 40 years on this earth:

  1. I am already her. God created me before this earth life. He gave me talents and gifts and desires that make me uniquely me. I can’t NOT BE her.
  2. My actions do not determine if I am being the woman the Lord intended. My actions come from who I am. I can’t act or earn my way to being her. Being is in our identity.
  3. Behind this question- how do I become the woman the Lord intended me to be?– is the desire for God’s approval. And what I would think I would feel if, somehow, I could know I had God’s approval. For me it’s love. Maybe confidence. Maybe free.
  4. I am making it too complicated (and I’m sure you are too). God’s work is to help me and everyone else achieve eternal life. That’s it. It’s not more than that. I have made covenants and continue to do the work to stay worthy of eternal life.

So now I just decide that I believe I am the woman the Lord intended me to be. Already. Done.

Now what?

{Let me just be clear: I am not saying that there aren’t things God wants us to DO. He certainly had a work for Joseph Smith, and I am sure he has a work for each of us.}

Now we get to do our work FROM the confidence that we are the person God wants us to be. Our action isn’t geared toward figuring that out– FOR being the person God wants us to become. We are that much closer to accomplishing our work in the world…. which will help us become our future eternal selves even more!

So go do it, Sister! Don’t spin in questions and doubt about your identity. Just assume your identity is set and go from there. Obstacles will define you even more and help you learn and grow yourself.

I can’t wait to see what you do! Come back and let me know.

Love,
Denita

Sexual rejection and its antidote

Rejection is a powerful emotion.

When we feel rejection, it usually means we aren’t likable, or we aren’t good enough.

This comes from primitive times when we were hunter-gatherers traveling in a pack. Being kicked out of the pack meant certain death.

But it rarely means death in our modern culture today.

Our brains are so scared of rejection that they would rather feel fear or guilt, or almost any other negative emotion.

Photo by Jp Valery on Unsplash

Rejection shows up in the bedroom frequently.

The spontaneous-desire partner may get turned down, and then they feel rejected.

When we feel rejected, we want to do anything to get away from that negative emotion, so we stop initiating sex or withdraw. We may get whiny or nag (not attractive).

Just notice that the rejection is just a thought in your mind.

Maybe your partner turned you down because they didn’t feel sexy.
Maybe your partner turned you down because they were really tired.
Maybe your partner turned you down because they were in a bad mood.

Notice, none of these reasons is about YOU.

But when they say no, you make it mean that they don’t like or love you the way you are. That you aren’t good enough.

What if it really only means they were tired or angry or feeling frumpy?

Sometimes we reject ourselves ahead of time so we don’t have to feel failure.

When we think others are judging us, we feel rejected, and then act in a way that is not in line with who we are, but instead who we think other people want us to be. In a sense, when we act in a way that is for others and against our true authenticity, we are rejecting ourselves. Because the alternative is to be true to ourselves and then someone not liking it and feeling rejected.

So if you are going to be rejected either way, why not do it in the way that feels authentic to you?

The antidote to rejection is self-love.

If you accept and love yourself no matter what, then what other people say and do doesn’t mean anything about you.

AND. You get to feel love, because when you love you are the one that feels the love.

So whether you are initiating sex, or dating, or are just out in the world being you, love yourself. Accept yourself as whole and worthy just the way you are.

Who knows? Maybe you loving yourself will be the inspiration or permission someone else needs to do the same.

***

Does this post resonate with you? If so, you may want to check out my 20 Questions to Ask to Improve Your Sex Mindset.

You are enough.

You are enough. You are not broken. Nothing has gone wrong.

These are words I have to keep believing for both myself and for my clients.

In Emily Nagoski’s book Come As You Are, she says

[W]hat most of us want is to feel normal. (In fact, one of the normal things about your sexuality is to worry sometimes about whether you’re normal. Yes, being worried about being normal is… normal.)

page 326

Nogoski goes on to say that when we want to be normal, what we really want is to belong. This makes sense from an evolutionary point of view. Not belonging was very dangerous for early humans. This innate desire to belong keeps us alive.

Photo by Niklas Hamann on Unsplash

Last week I faced this desire in myself:

I’ve been wanting to clear up my money mindset. I asked my coach to help me move from scarcity thinking about money to abundance thinking about money. Twice. Both times, the coaching conversation went to my relationship with my husband.

I’ll admit I was a little frustrated at first. But then I got curious with myself. Why was this happening? What was really going on?

After much digging and reflection and tears, I made this realization: money and my marriage both make me confront whether I truly am enough or not.

There was this moment in my self-coaching that I thought “If he doesn’t think the same way I do, then I am all alone. And if I’m all alone, then nobody wants to be around me, and I am not enough.”

Now, logically, I know this doesn’t make sense. But it’s what my brain was telling me.

I realized that my scarcity thinking with money, (there’s never enough, you have to work hard for it, there is only a fixed amount, etc) stems from my scarcity thinking about myself.

And in that moment, even though I have done so much work on myself and my confidence, I recognized I still have so far to go.

This experience reminded me of a recent consultation call with a new client. I was explaining what coaching would look like and I had this impression to tell her:

You are enough. You are not broken. Nothing has gone wrong.

And she burst into tears. Because that is what we all want to hear.

So that is my message to you today also. You are enough. You are not broken. Nothing has gone wrong.

I decided my purpose and you can too.

Who am I?

I told you the nuts and bolts of my life story here. But that isn’t the entire story, and moreover, it’s hardly relevant to this work I am embarking upon.

My life has been filled with fear, and the way I have dealt with that historically is to try to control everything possible.

As a child, teenager and young adult, when home life felt out of control, at least I could succeed at school.

When I became a mom and decided to be the full-time at home parent and household manager, motherhood felt hard so I made sure everything was always on schedule and the house was clean.

Even sending my oldest to school felt like giving too much control away, so I brought her home and we homeschooled. Now I was in control of educating my kids and seeing them progress and learn in the many subjects helped me feel good about myself.

Do you see a theme?

I have always given my power away to outside sources in an attempt to feel good about myself: good grades, a clean house, my children’s education.

When we went from homeschooling to living in Germany for a year where homeschooling was illegal, I had to really face myself. I no longer had my kids to prop my self-esteem up.

It really made me think about my life and my purpose.

“This is what it’s going to be like in 10 short years! The past 10 years have gone by so quickly; it’s going to happen sooner than I am ready!”

So who am I? What do I want to do with my life?

I felt alone and lost.

So in my podcast app I searched “Mormon podcasts,” and “mental health podcasts” and many other variations of those words. And I stumbled upon Jody Moore.

I pretty much always had my earbuds in my ears.

I inhaled Jody’s podcast.

I learned that whether or not my kids did their chores had nothing to do with me. I learned what true self-esteem was. I learned that I could actually choose how I wanted to feel at all times. I learned I didn’t need to control everything, because I could feel good no matter what, through much practice and self-awareness.

Then I started listening to Brooke Castillo’s podcast.

And I decided what my purpose was. Through self-exploration, reflection, prayer and spiritual confirmation, I learned of myself that I wanted to help others gain their confidence too.

But I am getting ahead of myself.

I was already on this journey of self-discovery because for the previous two years I had been listening to the Sexy Marriage Radio podcast and had been slowly creating confidence for myself in the bedroom, one of the areas I didn’t feel like I had much control.

Fast-forward to attending the Life Coach School and needing to choose a niche. I knew I wanted to do something in the realm of relationships. So I chose the area where I felt like it all started for me: my sexuality.

Here’s the thing, though. Difficulty in your sex life is just one leaf on a tree. It could be parenting. Or money. Or any number of human problems. They are all attached to the branches, the trunk, and lead to the root of the tree. The root is how our brain operates. How you do one thing is how you do everything.

Sex is just the leaf I am choosing to focus on. Ultimately, I help wives gain confidence in all areas of their lives.

We could all use that.

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