The #1 thing my clients want is connection. So they seek out self-help tools. But what happens when the self-help tools lead to disconnection instead of connection? In this episode, I discuss 5 ways this happens and 3 things to do about it.
If you noticed that we have. New podcast art and a new name and if you’ve been around since the beginning You know that this is the fourth name. I just wanted to recognize that I feel like I am Getting closer and closer. And I hope this is the final iteration of what I really want to do here on the podcast for the first year of having a podcast.
I wasn’t doing it for an audience. I was doing it for myself to get used to having a voice and putting something out into the world. And over time I have thought about more deeply, you know, what I am here to say. And. And it’s brought me closer and closer to helping you all feel more regulated, which is like feeling good, not even good, but feeling resonant in your body and, and restored feeling that sense of restoration, hope, peace, um, energy, those kinds of things.
And so I just wanted to mention that, um, but really today I want to talk about. So something that kind of bothers me a lot, and it’s based almost entirely on my own journey, um, but also from conversations I’ve had with others, this idea that lots of self help keeps us in our heads and therefore leads to.
Less connection, not more connection. And I don’t know about you, but most of the people I talk to, most of my clients, my prospective clients and myself included, the thing we want the most is connection. We want to feel connected to ourselves and to God and to the people we love, right? And just in general to the world, we want to feel connected.
We want to feel like we’re here doing something worthwhile. Um, we feel sometimes even we call it depression, um, but we feel that emptiness. We feel that sense of like, uh, what, what’s the point when we’re not connected? So I’ve thought a lot about this and I just want to say that I am all the things that I’m going to talk about on this episode.
I am guilty of, I’m not here to call anyone out, but to kind of. I’m going to mention the things that I’ve learned from my journey in hopes that it can help you get to where you want to be faster and easier, really. So the one thing I have a few thoughts, but the top one is that learning, learning gives us a dopamine hit.
We like to learn, we like to grow, we like to become, but there’s a difference between learning about something and applying that thing in our life. And I think the application of something we’re learning is where we’re connecting with it. So if you’ve ever gotten that itchy feeling that it’s been too long since you listened to your favorite podcast or read a nonfiction book, or you feel bored or behind, if you ever have been like, okay, I want to get another certification.
I want to learn a new modality. There’s a reason for that like humans want to learn and I don’t think that’s a bad thing But I do think that there becomes a point where the learning itself is not Helping us to feel better or feel more connected and it might even be doing the opposite when we kind of get in that place of like If I want to be a good coach or a good whatever, a good mom, then I have to learn this or I have to learn that.
So it’s like when we feel like we have to learn, that’s when we start actually disconnecting versus when we’re like, you know what? I think this is a weakness of mine and I want to strengthen this area of my life. Then we’re doing it more from a sense of connection. The second thing that I notice in a lot of people, and I’ve totally been there is that Even entering into the world of self help comes from an assumption that something is wrong with you.
I myself have felt a ton of shame and insecurity and embarrassment and other negative emotions. And I signed up with programs, I joined memberships, I hired coaches, I read books, I listened to podcasts in order to try to fix myself. But when we’re trying to fix ourselves, We are coming from the assumption that there’s something wrong with us.
It’s my opinion that self help and the work we do in the self help world should not be a fix for something wrong with us, but it should be a Coming back to ourselves. It should be a there’s nothing wrong with me. How do I get behind that idea? How do I become more of myself with less resistance and less judgment?
So when the self help feels like you have to do it in order to fix yourself. It’s not working. And it’s actually disconnecting you from yourself. That is the wrong way to go about it. Like I said, self help is good. I love it. I wouldn’t be here talking about it if I didn’t, but we have to make sure we’re doing it for the right reasons.
And we really have to check our assumptions. I think something that happens a lot that that I’ve done, but I also see in my clients and other people around me is that we focus a lot on the action. Now, this could even be the action of thinking about our thoughts, right? The action of bringing up awareness.
But when we’re focused on action, we’re focused on something outside of us. And, and we do need that. We do need to take action. I’m not saying action is wrong. I’m saying action for the sake of action is wrong. So I want to encourage you to connect inwardly, think, you know, let the action, the idea come from within you and then go take it because that feels like the next step.
Not because you feel like maybe it’s this, maybe it’s that, maybe it’s the other thing that’s going to fix you. Right? The action is going to like somehow bring you closer to yourself or to your spouse or your kids. Right? We don’t get closer to the people we love by any kind of action. We get closer to them by being who we want to be, by being open and curious with them, by spending time with them, right?
There are actions involved, but it’s not the action itself that brings us closer. So that’s just something that I noticed in myself and in other people. Sometimes also, I noticed this in myself as well. We We enter into this self help world, this coaching or therapy or whatever modality it is, yoga, and does help us transform.
It helps us to feel better. It helps us to feel like we are more empowered in our lives. We wouldn’t do it. If it didn’t help to some extent, then we turn to the people in our lives and we’re like, you should do it too. You should do yoga. You should read this book. You should listen to this podcast. And they don’t want to sometimes, right?
You know, and some of us have people in our lives that, that are like, yeah, I want to do that too. And it’s amazing to have somebody to do it with. We also might have people in our lives that are like, no, that’s stupid. I don’t need that. And it can lead us to feeling like there’s something wrong with us or that.
What’s wrong with me that I need it, but they don’t. And it also can lead us to resentment. It can be like, no, I want you to be in this with me, right? I want you to care about this because I care about it. Cause I enjoy it. And it can actually lead us to feeling less connected to the people we’re in relationship with because we’re, you know, we have some resistance.
Um, Yeah, so I don’t want that to happen to you that has definitely happened to me and I want you to just be aware That that is something that can happen when we feel that transformation We kind of tend to or we can sort of want other people to have those same transformations It’s sort of like a shared reality kind of thing But it can lead to disconnection instead.
Okay. So now that we know these things and we see that sometimes self help is keeping us in our heads instead of down into our bodies where we feel and integrate, what do we do? I’m just going to offer a couple things here cause I don’t want to overwhelm your nervous system, but you might think about taking a break from learning or social media or, you know, Like podcasts, I think it’s one thing to read or listen to podcasts for entertainment purposes, but if all you do is to learn, um, It’s really useful to take a break from that.
I have done this two summers in a row and it really helps me to connect more with my inner self, to connect more with God, to connect more with my kids and my husband, because if I take certain things off you know, off the shelf, so to speak, like those things just aren’t available to me, then I have to get creative and I have to do other things.
So in that way, it does help me grow and learn. And it takes me out of my head and brings me back into my body. And that brings me to like, we need to learn. We want to learn. I’m not saying learning. I’m just saying that sometimes it feels a little lopsided that we’re learning a lot, but we’re not integrating as much.
We are talking a lot about the things that we’re learning, but we’re not showing that we’ve learned it. Right. And so I just want to encourage you to think about all the things that you’ve learned and you can give yourself, um, a topic or a timeframe. And then think about which of these things I’ve learned, have I actually applied to my life?
Have I integrated into my being and allow those things to be received and accepted into you, allow them to change you. Because I think that’s the, really the whole point we want to change. We want to become better and more than we were before. And I think sometimes we get so caught up in the learning part and the dopamine hit that we get from learning that we don’t Allow ourselves to integrate the things that we’re learning.
And that’s really where the juicy goodness is. So as you take actions, because you have to stay connected to yourself through the action. And the example I think of is cooking. You can cook. You can follow the recipe. You can dump ingredients into a pot without really being connected to what you’re doing.
You know, you can do it while you’re thinking about other things, or you can Be connected to that cooking process and smell the smells and take tastes and Look at the colors and feel the heat coming off of the stove. Maybe not so much in the Summer time right now when it’s super hot, my point is to stay connected to whatever it is you are doing, whoever it is you are being, that is how we become more embodied.
That is how we integrate the things that we’re learning. We let it land. We were with it in the process. There is so much more that I could mention, but like I said, I don’t want to overwhelm your nervous system, so we’re just going to leave it here for today. I would love to know if this resonates with you.
Many of my clients and of course myself feel like we’ve done so much self help, so much thought work, but it still feels like, Oh, there’s something there that’s like, it’s not working, right? It’s not helping me supporting me to become a different person. So if that is you, I want to invite you to check out my membership, which is called presence.
In presence, we try to get out of our heads and into our bodies. We try to apply the things we’re learning. We try to, um, support each other in feeling in really being present and feeling what is here for me right now. And. It really has only been in the last year or two that I’ve been doing this work, the work that I guide my clients through in presence, that I have actually felt like, Oh, I’m changing.
I’m growing. There’s some, there’s another side to that learning, right? There’s that application piece that we need in order to feel like we’re actually getting somewhere with what it is we’re learning. I want you to feel more connected, not less connected. I want you. To feel like the ways you spend your time are connecting you and bringing more of what you want into your life.
And that’s what I strive to do in presence. So if that’s something you want, go to danitabremer. com slash presence and check out the information there and sign up for a free call. If you have any questions, I’m happy to answer them on the free call, but yeah, I’d love to have you if you feel like. This is the next right step for you.
That’s enough for now. And so are you, if this podcast has been helpful for you, would you please take a minute to leave a rating or review or share it with a friend so others can find it. Remember that I’m a life coach, not a doctor or a psychologist, and any suggestions or advice mentioned in this podcast should not be a substitute for medical or mental health until next time go be yourself and follow the spirit.
Full Show Notes and transcript coming soon.
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