Okay. So on this podcast, I am going to sell you or attempt to sell you on the idea that you should join my membership, which I call Presence.
But even if all you do is listen to this episode and in the next episode, I’m going to be giving you some practical tips and tools for what we talk about today. If that’s all you do, you’re going to get so much value out of this, but I do want you to know that if you enjoy my podcast, you would love presents.
So let’s get started at life coach training. They told us not to coach people on the feeling. I’m feeling not good enough or the thought I’m not good enough. They said, if you dig deep enough, everyone has that thought. Everyone has that feeling. So first of all, take it as a sign that if you feel this way, this not good enough feeling, you’re not alone because everyone feels that way from time to time.
But also I wanted to, I wanted to coach on this because that was how I always felt. My kids act up. I’m not good enough. My husband gives me that tone. I’m not good enough. Someone unsubscribes from my email list. Not good enough. Don’t get a text returned right away. Not good enough. It was just like everything that happened in my life.
I’m not good enough. And it was the first thought that I had. It was, it was just like immediately in the first thing. So after years and literally I’ve probably been thinking about this, studying it, I studied shame extensively, um, doing my own work, hiring coaches, studying, like reading dozens upon dozens of books.
I am going to share with you. My opinion on the top five reasons why we feel not good enough. I don’t believe that this is simply a thought or a feeling we can change by changing our thought. I believe that it’s a feeling problem and so that we’re going to have to address it with a feeling solution.
The first reason that you might be feeling not good enough. Or not feeling good enough, however you want to say that, is because it is a story stemming from your nervous system state. Ladies, so many of us, and gentlemen too, so many of us are living from a functional freeze state. And my opinion is that this happens when we have painful experiences happen to us before we can even remember, before we can really speak even.
And of course, this also happens when we have painful experiences that happen later, but I see it as more of a complex or developmental trauma response, which means this is not your fault. This is a way that your body has protected itself. from the things that felt unsafe or dangerous in your life very early on.
That’s my opinion. Very early on the people that I talked to that have this constant feeling of not good enough. It has been happening since they were young children. So that is reason number one, because it’s not a thought or even really a surface level emotion. It is a nervous system state. This shutdown state, this freeze state that we go into to protect ourselves.
And the story that often is associated with that state is I’m not good enough. One of the reasons is because as young children, it doesn’t make sense to think or believe that our caregivers. I have mentioned this before on the podcast, it makes more sense that it’s a problem with us, because then we can try to change it.
If it’s our caregiver, we’re completely helpless and they’re the person that is supposed to keep us alive. And so we’re really helpless. Reason number two is that, and this is related to reason number one, your needs were not met as a child, so you didn’t develop an internal sense of safety. When the inside doesn’t feel safe, how else do we explain how we feel?
This also leads to hyperindependence, this not having needs met as a child. So we do everything ourselves because we can’t rely on others to meet our needs. So in a way we’re kind of running from that lack that we feel on the inside, which leads me to reason number three. We look outside ourselves for the answers.
And I think these things kind of build upon each other. These, this nervous system state coming from needs not being met as a child. So we don’t ever develop that internal sense of safety. And so we have to compensate for that. Somehow we have to get our needs met. We have to take action. This is what we do to stay alive.
Isn’t that so amazing and wonderful that your nervous system and your brain worked together to keep you alive. You’re alive today. That is a miracle. But when we get in the habit of looking outside of ourselves for the answers, it can get We can, it can lead to burnout and it can get overwhelming because it doesn’t work.
So we keep trying all these actions on the outside that don’t actually address the problem, right? Feeling problem, not an action problem. I think the ironic thing here is that it doesn’t make sense to blame our caregivers. It, so it makes more sense to blame ourselves. So we’re kind of turning inward, you know, being critical inward, but then we look outside of ourselves to actions and results to make us feel better.
So it’s kind of this paradox, right? But I think it’s because of the internal lack, the internal lack of safety. We have to take action to keep ourselves alive. And then that works for a while, right? Except that it just doesn’t work forever. And I also think that this is highly, highly reinforced with cultural conditioning.
Our culture says do more in order to be more. Okay. So reason number one, it’s a nervous system state, not a thought. Number two, we never developed an internal sense of safety. And number three, we’re constantly looking outside of ourselves for the answers. We’re burning ourselves out, we’re overwhelming ourselves, and we’re looking in the wrong place for the answer.
Reason number four, you are not feeling good enough is that we are overwhelmed by our feelings. So we often say, I just need to do more, or if I could just sit down and think clearly. But I don’t ever hear anyone say, if I could just feel my way through this, I would figure it out. And this, I think, comes from the experience of being overwhelmed by our feelings.
Okay? Which, this also isn’t your fault. This is a coping mechanism that we develop because things are overwhelming on the inside, right? It’s almost like they’re, the lack of safety is overwhelming. Let’s put it that way. Okay, so you learn to stay really far away from your feelings. But like I said, this is a feeling problem and it needs a feeling solution.
You actually have to feel your way for this particular problem and not having this skill of feeling leads to more problems that then reinforce this not good enough feeling. The first one is that we can’t trust ourselves. If you don’t. Feel, if you can’t feel, you can’t trust because trust essentially is a feeling.
Number two is we never gain the necessary wisdom from our feelings to be able to move forward in a different way. So the feelings are so overwhelming that we, we don’t have the ability, the capacity, the skill, however you want to think of this, to be able to stop and say, Hmm, I’m feeling a lot of shame right now.
What does that mean? How do I want to be different or do different in the future? It’s just so overwhelming that we’re like, Stay away from shame. How about a handful of chocolate chips instead? That sounds fabulous, right? And I do want to point out here that if you are a person who considers yourself an over thinker, I believe that overthinking is the same as under feeling.
It’s the same problem. We overthink because it feels better in some way to be in our heads than it does to be in our body with all of those emotions. that we’re talking about that we don’t have the skill to feel, right? Okay. And number five is that we don’t have a model or a basis for how we could or should feel.
And this speaks to the problem of lack of co regulation. It kind of goes back to that idea of something happened very young, oftentimes before we are verbal, before we can speak, before we can remember. Right. If we’re adults now, I can only remember maybe to age three, we didn’t ever have a safe person that would co regulate with us, right.
That was kind of grounded and calm and in their window of tolerance to be able to show us really not show us because it’s not something we see, but to model to us. What safety feels like, what good enough feels like, what love feels like all of these feelings that, right, they’re overwhelming. So we shut ourselves off from feeling, and so we can’t feel, which means we also shut ourselves off from the positive feelings.
I just want to shout out a couple of my past coaches who did this for me. This was so pivotal in my journey. The first one was Danielle Cohen, and I don’t even think that she realizes she did this for me, but she was the first coach that I had that I could feel from her, her love and concern and her, I would call it now looking back, her co regulation that I, my nervous system was borrowing from her nervous system because she was regulated.
And then my second coach is Shilah Cash. I went to her specifically for trauma and for somatic work, and she helped co regulate me and give me a model of what I could possibly feel, right? And it’s, it’s not something we can think our way to, we can’t explain this. You have to experience it. You have to feel the warmth from someone else.
Right. You might have this with a few people in your life with a parent or grandparent or, um, maybe a teacher or just a really good friend, right? We usually have one or two people minimum in our lives. If we’re lucky, we have more than that who. So we can really feel their love and concern and that they’re just kind of grounded and they know themselves and they’re in that window of tolerance.
They’re not super activated. They’re not super shut down. They’re available and open and we can kind of borrow that energy from them, right? It’s really hard to feel good enough. When you don’t have a model, you’re not, you know, you have no place to start with it, right? So as a recap, the five reasons I think I’ve sat down and really thought about this and I thought about my clients, I thought about my own story, I thought about people that I’ve talked to, and these are the reasons that seem to come up over and over and over again.
Because it’s a nervous system state. It’s not a thought. It’s not even a feeling, although not good enough is also a feeling. It’s just that that’s not all it is. Because we never developed an internal sense of safety. Because our needs were not met as a child. At least, not fully enough. And none of this is really black and white.
Like, either your needs were totally met or they weren’t. It could change from day to day. Right? But they weren’t met enough that you got that felt sense of safety regularly enough, which led you to this belief in this, this state of feeling not good enough, because we look outside ourselves for the answers, which stems from this nervous system state in our needs not being met, no safety.
So we have to do everything ourselves. We take a bunch of action. It works for a while. And then the longer we do it, the less it works. Number four, we don’t have the skill of feeling because our feelings, our internal states are overwhelming. And number five, we don’t have a model. We don’t even know where to start.
What should it look like? The way we organically learn in this world is first we watch someone else. And then we mimic them or do it with them. And then we learn our own mastery with it. This is how we learn how to walk. This is how we learn how to talk. This is how we learn how to cook, right? Think of any skill that you have.
First, you watch someone else, especially in this day and age of Google and YouTube. We watch someone else. Then we try it with their help. And then we do it enough times that we’re like, Okay, I think I got this. And then we can start to kind of, Tweak it and do it differently on our own, our way, right? So these five things, this is what I address in my membership.
Co regulation. I strive to take care of myself, to center myself, to really be in a good place for my clients so that I can co regulate with you so that you can borrow from my energy. I hope you feel, even on this podcast, I hope you feel my love, my centeredness, my openness. And I hope you borrow from that self regulation.
I guide you. To learn how to regulate yourself. I want you to put me out of a job. I want to be so good at what I do that I don’t need to do it anymore. I want everyone to know how to regulate their nervous system and get back to center, to ride the waves of activation and shutdown. I have a vision of an army of women learning these skills so that they can then go and teach their children and their grandchildren and their neighbors and the people they love.
I can’t do it all by myself. I promise you. So I want you to learn how to self regulate. It starts with co regulation. It’s kind of like a jumpstart. Like if your battery goes dead in your car, it needs to be jumped. That’s what co regulation is, but it turns into you being able to regulate yourself. We also focus on creating safety inside.
We look within instead of looking outside of us. We look within. We feel, we learn the skill of feeling that is at the heart, at the heart of everything we do is being with our feelings. And I know it sounds a little bit funny because it sounds like something we should just know how to do, right? But we don’t.
We live in a traumatized world. We are so disconnected from ourselves that we don’t know how to do this. And I’m not perfect at it, but I feel like I have learned so much. And if you’re new, I can definitely help you. And we look to our own internal wisdom. It helps you build self trust and self knowledge.
When you can trust and know yourself, you’ll know what boundaries to set. You’ll know what to say yes and no to. You’ll be able to make decisions. And this is so much more efficient in my opinion than quote unquote thought work. If the problem is a feeling problem. Let’s give it a feeling solution, giving it an action solution or a thought solution is just adding a step to the work.
So it’s much more efficient to just go in to the feelings, work with the feelings than it is to work with the thoughts in order to affect the feelings or to work with the actions in order to affect the feelings. Does that have its place? Absolutely. I strongly believe that taking action can reinforce our thoughts and our feelings about ourselves.
So we need to do that as well. But the bulk of the work we do in presence is the feeling work. And listen, you guys, I am a fabulous coach. I really am. You can ask any of my clients, the value I offer in my programs, I hope is double or triple, or I don’t know, maybe even 10 X the monetary exchange. And I still try to keep the price very low and affordable compared to lots and lots of coaches that I see out there.
I want you to know that it’s more than a thought work program that charges 20 or 50 or 60 a month. It is worth a lot more than that, but I’m not, I’m also not going to charge you tens of thousands of dollars. So here’s how to work with me between now and the end of the year. The best way is to join Presence.
It is a one year membership. The reason why I set it up as a one year membership is because I want you to commit to yourself for longer than the period of time it takes you to walk from your bedroom to the kitchen. I know what it’s like, okay, I’m gonna do really good today, and then first thing, well, so much for that.
I want you to commit to yourself for a year, really go all in, have spacious amounts of time to heal. Right now, there are 12 people in presence, so it’s not like this is some giant group. This is an intimate, safe, and yes, brave place to heal, to feel, to connect, and to grow. I am going to push you a little bit.
You need to be pushed a little bit. Only as much as feels comfortable. We don’t want to push you too fast, too much. It’s 222 a month. Or if you pay in full for the whole year, you get a little bit of a discount. It’s 2222 for the year, 2, 222. I picked those angel numbers because of the idea of partnership and co regulation.
I want you to feel a sense that someone is on your side, that you can figure this out. that you have support. The second way to work with me is private coaching. If a group doesn’t feel right for you, I totally get that. That is why I offer private coaching in addition to my group. I will say though that whoever is in the group, if you’re in the membership, you get a drastic discount on one off private sessions.
So that’s another kind of bonus of being in the group is that you can, when you need it, purchase one off. sessions. Right now, the price is 65 a session. That’s only for people who have already purchased presents, who are already in the membership. If you’re not in the membership and you don’t want to be in the membership, but you want private coaching, that’s a separate thing.
I have four private coaching spots open between now and the end of the year. I might actually bump that down to three. Um, I’m considering that at the moment, but I get it if you really want private coaching and you want more of my attention every week. So that is 5. 55 a month, and if you pay for 3, 6, or 12 months, depending on how much you want to commit to yourself at one time, you get a 5 percent discount off of that 5.
- The prices are all listed on my website, so you can go to denitabremmer. com and click the solution at the top. Or donitabremer. com slash the dash solution. Okay. What’s the difference? What’s the difference between what you get in presence in the membership and what you get in private coaching? Really?
The difference is the amount of attention you get from me. I prioritize my private clients and then my group clients and then anybody who I’m in relationship with, but hasn’t paid me. There are many ways to get free help from me. You can sign up for a free call and there’s a button on my website for that.
You can come to Voxer office hours. Voxer is a free app where you can text and voice memo. And on Tuesdays from 11 to five mountain time, you can come and ask me any questions, get free coaching, whatever you want. You can DM me on Instagram. Those are all ways to quote unquote work with me for free. And I genuinely, generosity is one of my highest values.
I want to give all this away. You’re listening to this podcast. This is free, right? Because I want people to know about this, but there’s only so much I can do in this explanation form. A lot of this feeling work has to be experienced. Okay. So if. Either presence, the membership, or private coaching interests you, I invite you to book a free call with me.
Go to my website, click, there’s a button right at the top, click or book a free call. And here’s the truth. You can book private coaching with me anytime. The doors don’t like open and close. Anytime as long as I have openings in my schedule. So like I said, I have three or four openings between now and the end of the year.
It’s just dependent on that presence is open until October 27th. You may have heard me say October 20th before, but I just realized that I’m taking the week off for fall break. And so you won’t be able to book a free call. And so I’m extending it to the 27th so that you can get on my calendar. Chat with me, get coached, feel into if this is a good fit for you.
And if you book a free call before the 27th, but you’re not available until after the 27th to actually meet over zoom, um, I’ll keep the doors open just for you, for anybody who books. I will be opening the doors to presence very briefly. I’m thinking of a three day opening. Right before Christmas for anyone who wants to gift themselves or someone else a membership.
And I’m also going to be doing a Black Friday deal. So if it’s not the right timing for you to join right now, but you want to in the future, look out for those things. And then I generally plan to open the doors to presents about every quarter or so. I don’t know for sure. When I’m going to be doing that, I’m, I just really operate out of my intuition.
So if you think you really want in, then you should schedule now. Okay, that’s good enough for now. And so are you. See what I did there? If this podcast has been helpful for you, would you please take a minute to leave a rating or a review and share it with a friend so others can find this free help?
Remember that I’m a life coach, not a doctor or a psychologist. Any suggestions or advice mentioned on the podcast should not be a substitute for medical or mental health care. Until next time, go be yourself and follow the spirit.