There are 5 core needs humans (and all mammals) experience. In this episode I talk about the need for connection. When our need for connection is not met, we can feel shame for 1. simply existing, 2. feeling or 3. connection. Listen in as I explain what that might look like in real life.

What is a core need?

A need from infancy to keep us from dying. As infants we are totally and completely dependent on our caregivers. If they don’t meet our core needs, we literally die. So that’s what I mean by “core need.”
Connection is actually our first core need. If we don’t receive connection, specifically from our mothers, we will die. There have been studies done, I’m thinking particularly of one where baby monkeys were removed from their mothers a few hours after birth and were given two surrogate mothers: one made of terrycloth that gave no food, and another made of wire that would feed from a bottle. Evidence from this study showed that the baby monkeys would go to the wire monkey mama for food, but spent significantly more time with the terrycloth mama. And the babies would become very agitated if the terrycloth mama was ever removed.
There is also a story from the book by Bruce Perry and Maia Szalavitz named The Boy Who Was Raised by a Dog I wanted to mention. A four year old girl, Laura, was brought into the hospital by her mother because she was so tiny. She weighed only 26 lb despite being on a feeding tube for weeks. Dr. Perry eventually realized that Laura’s problem wasn’t physiological, but emotional. Her mother, Virginia, didn’t know how to connect emotionally to Laura. She was a product of the foster care system herself and nobody every taught her, and she never saw mother modeled.
When our core need for connection is not met, shame for existing, feeling, and connecting is created. So what does this look like in real life? Keep in mind, that I am not a therapist, I am not a psychologist; I am basing these examples off of my own life and the lives of people I am privvy to, my family, and limited information from my clients.
Let’s start with same over existing. I am intimately familiar with this kind of shame. My mother was only 17 years and just over a month old when I was born. She had at least one abortion before I was born. Growing up, how young my parents were was always a topic of interest. I grew to learn that I wasn’t actually wanted. Nobody told me that; in fact, I was told the opposite! But humans are smart. And I am smart, and I learned to read through the lines. Having a baby that young is not a planned activity, and it creates a lot of discomfort. I assumed, even if I was never told, that I was a burden, I wasn’t truly wanted, and therefore felt a baseline of shame for simply existing.

  • Make ourselves small and or quiet
  • Apologizing
  • Earn our worth
  • Be good
  • Make others happy
  • Self connection? Thumb sucking

What about shame over feeling?

Connection is all about a felt sense of connection. Not about the actual connection itself. Yes, we want physical connection, but it’s because it creates an emotional connection. When we have shame over our feelings we could:

  • Be afraid of our emotions
  • Buffer from our feelings
  • Shove our feelings down. For example, we might want to cry but don’t allow it.
  • Have a critical self voice about our feelings
  • Experience depression
  • Experience anxiety

Lastly, shame over connecting itself. We might feel shame just because we desire connection. Or maybe the shame will come up when we connect. We might experience:

  • An internal push-pull at wanting connection.
  • A swing of the pendulum: withdrawing and needing connection, back and forth
  • Social awkwardness- no eye contact, unease with others around.
  • Pleas for connection, but when you get it you push it away.

It is natural and normal to feel shame over one of these things occasionally. But if you notice a chronic pattern, it might be something to think about in a more holistic wellness perspective for yourself.

Journal Questions (Download Here)

  1. When, if at all, do you feel shame over existing?
  2. When, if at all, do you feel shame around your feelings?
  3. When, if at all, do you feel shame around connection with others?

Current offers

Come join Presence! I am getting so much positive feedback.
Presence FAQ:

  1. Do you have to be a coach to join the group? Nope! This group is for anyone who wants to learn how to regulate their nervous system, heal and/or create faster results.
  2. Do you have to be LDS or Christian to join this group? Nope! While I do coach with my own Christian values, as long as that doesn’t bother you, you are welcome to join no matter what your faith orientation is. (Or if you consider yourself agnostic.)
  3. What do you mean by “somatic” coaching? Soma means body; somatic coaching uses your body as a starting point for change. I coach with a lens of knowing what is happening in your nervous system. I use movement, emotion, sensation and bodily impulses as well as mindset to guide the work. I find we can go deeper, faster by working with the wisdom in the body instead of the chatter of the mind. Instead of talking about the internal dynamics, I am working directly with them.
  4. What is the format? Presence is a one year small group membership. You can pay $222 monthly or pay for an entire year at once for $2222 (which is a 2 month discount compared to the monthly payments). And for a limited time, when you pay for a year in full you become a founding member and receive lifetime access– so pay once and stay for as long as you want!
  5. Why is it called Presence? Great question! I chose the name Presence, because I believe all healing happens in the present moment. In this group we are focused on increasing our skills of being present with our own internal and external experiences in order to heal and create the relationships we want.
  6. I thought you were a trauma coach. Is this for people with trauma? I am a trauma coach. This group is for people with trauma, and for those who don’t think they have trauma, but experience chronic stress or overwhelm. Or for anyone that is drawn to working with me, but doesn’t need 1:1 work.
  7. Is it weekly coaching? Yes! We meet weekly Wednesdays at 1:30 pm MT for one hour. As the group grows, group coaching times will be added to the calendar. As a member you will also have access to a member site where I will post replays of the calls, and other audio and video resources. There is also an optional slack group you can participate in to join in on the community aspect as well as ask questions between sessions. I’m all about high-touch experiences.
  8. Can I work 1:1 with you instead? I also have limited private coaching availability. I am currently fully booked with a waiting list. When private coaching openings come available, members of Presence will have the first option of signing up. Then I will go to my waiting list for those not currently in Presence. I think the group is a great place to be while you wait for private coaching, but I understand if you choose not to join.
  9. How do I sign up? Thank you for asking! Go to denitabremer.com/presence and scroll to the bottom to choose your payment option. After you’ve paid, you will receive 2 emails to join the member site with all the information you need. I can’t wait to see you in Presence!