A snapshot of the pre-mortal existence
Several years ago, I had an experience where I saw a snapshot of myself in the pre-mortal experience. I was talking to my husband on a Sunday afternoon. He was upset about something I no longer remember. But I do remember saying something to the effect of, “The thing I keep having to learn is abandonment. I don’t know why…” and then the snapshot came into my mind.
I saw myself surrounded by others who loved and adored me. Immediately I could see that my experience in the pre-mortal existence was very much the opposite experience I have so far had in this earth life.
With this snapshot, came an understanding. There were no verbal words. Just a concept pressed firmly into my mind: how would you learn and grow if you had the same experience as before? In that moment, I understood WHY abandonment was my growth edge.
A lifetime of abandonment experiences
When I was 11 or 12 years old, I divulged to my mother about sexual abuse that was happening to me. Instead of coming to my rescue, getting upset, or helping me in any way, she looked at me and asked, “What do you want me to do about it?” In that moment, I felt completely alone, and in fact my thought was, “I’m on my own.”
When I was 13 years old, the grandmother I was very close to yelled at me for dating a boy. The hatred in her eyes and voice confused me. I stopped going to church or going to her house. Her actions created a shame in me so intense, I would rather not be around her at all costs.
When I was 20 years old, one of my best friends from middle and high school died in a tragic accident. It was the first time anybody I was remotely close to, died.
A month later, my mother died after being in a car accident. My sister an I were the de facto executors of her “estate” because she was not married. Her adult children, being her next of kin, become responsible. My sister, who was 18 at the time and had just entered the military couldn’t get time off to help, so the entire responsibility fell to me. I know it wasn’t intentional, but death is a kind of abandonment.
When I was 25 years old, I was getting legal guardianship of my 14 year old sister who had been sexually abused by the same person that abused me. In a conversation with my other grandmother, she told me we shouldn’t talk about abuse. I stood up to her and told her I would not be silent because that’s why abuse kept happening. We haven’t had much contact since then.
Related to the situation taking my little sister in, the only aunt I was ever close to and her kids, my cousins, all cut ties with me.
That legal guardianship situation did not end well. When I was 26 years old my 15 year old sister went back into foster care after living with us for a year. With hurt and anger in her voice, she told me she never wanted to see me again.
My other sister- the one who couldn’t help with mom’s estate- told me she didn’t want a relationship with me. This was probably around the age of 30 for me.
I am intimately familiar with the experience of abandonment. The deep loneliness and alienating shame that make you wonder where you went wrong, if you are an evil person, and keep you questioning and doubting your very existence.
Creating meaning for hard experiences
The snapshot of myself in the pre-mortal existence didn’t make these feelings any easier to navigate, but it did give them meaning. I continue to experience loneliness and shame in the course of my normal life. It is painful every time. But at least now I know why: it’s my portal to spiritual growth and learning.
And I know that sharing my healing journey is part of my purpose. When you find something that works in a miraculous way, you can’t help but share it with everyone you know. And that’s why I do what I do.
Application for your life
- What experience seems to keep coming up in your life? Reflect back and notice the patterns.
- What is the opposite of that experience?
- If you knew you had the exact opposite experience in the pre-mortal existence, and that you are here to learn and grow which requires NEW experiences here on earth, does it give meaning to your painful experiences?
- Does this help you move forward with faith?
I don’t know if this principle is true for everyone, but I hope it is. If this idea does not resonate with you, if it doesn’t feel good, or if it’s not helpful, just chuck it right in the bin. I simply offer this idea as a possibility for you to consider, in case it helps you cultivate meaning in your life the way it helped me. What makes your painful experiences have more meaning in your life?
I’d love to know…
I really would love to know your thoughts and your experiences. If you have an experience you would like to share on the podcast, or if you have a question or topic you would like to hear covered in an upcoming episode, fill out this short form.
Did you know I hold a free weekly scripture study on Thursdays at 10 am MT? You can join by clicking here. I share stories just like these when prompted by the spirit to do so. But mostly we seek revelation, study the come follow me block together, and commit to acting on the revelation we receive. It’s a lovely community of seeking LDS women.
Do you have a friend or family member who is going through a hard time and wondering why? Maybe this episode will help them. Share it with them if you feel prompted. Thank you for your generosity in this way!
If you’re ready to feel supported in creating meaning for your painful experiences, it starts with a complimentary discovery call.
That’s enough for now and so are you!
xo,
Denita
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