What obligation does to a sex life.

When you feel like you should have sex, it almost always backfires.

When you think the thought “I should have sex,” how does it feel in your body?

{Side note: are you able to connect to your body and notice what is happening in your body while you are thinking a specific thought? (Writing a note to myself to address this in an upcoming post.)}

Usually, any thought with a ‘should’ in it feels like pressure or heavy. Not always, but often.

Your brain does not like pressure; it doesn’t like anything that seems “negative.” The reason is because the brain doesn’t differentiate between physical and emotional pain. Negative emotion means there could be something dangerous there.

So when you feel pressure or negative emotion you want to get away from it. This is just what human brains do!

Photo by Priscilla Du Preez on Unsplash

Usually this looks like doing anything but the thing that feels like pressure, which for your brain when you think “I should have sex” is sex.

So then when you DO have sex, it is coming from the pressure energy, not from desire or love or anything else.

The same action fueled by a different emotion will feel so different.

Sex fueled by obligation will be a totally different experience than sex fueled by love.

What do you feel when you agree to have sex with your husband? Is it obligation? Or something else? Pay attention.


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Grant yourself permission

Every day we grant permission in a million little ways both explicitly and implicitly:

We swipe our cards giving the vendor permission to draw funds from our bank accounts.

We allow someone to spritz us with perfume in the department store.

We yield the right-of-way as we drive.

We allow people to speak to us in both positive and negative ways.

We invite people into our homes.

We allow the dental hygienist to inflict pain upon our gums.

We lend clothes to our teenager.

We read a book and let it change us.

We don’t take the time to unsubscribe from that email we hate seeing in our inbox.

You get the idea.

Photo by 胡 卓亨 on Unsplash

But do we allow ourselves the same permission? Or are our lives run by shoulds and musts?

Do we allow ourselves to speak kindly to ourselves?

Do we invite ourselves into our homes, figuratively?

Do we yield to our own selves?

Or are we held back by cultural and family ideals or pressures we don’t even realize are there?

If you are an adult, you are allowed to do and think whatever you want.

That is a thought that can free you up.

You don’t have to have a savings account if you don’t want to.

You can do the “irresponsible” thing if it fuels you.

You can believe your body is beautiful. No. matter. what.

Now. This doesn’t mean that whatever you do doesn’t have consequences. Everything has consequences.

It just means that all the options are on the table. Even if they never seemed to be before.

In most cases, you are the one that needs to grant yourself permission.

So what do you really want, and what’s been holding you back? Is it just a matter of granting yourself permission?