Your sex life ebbs and flows– and why that’s good news.

Hello blog people! Let me tell you– building a business is not for the faint of heart! I have been doing big things behind the scenes and writing kinda…. fell away for a while. It has been on my mind and my heart for many weeks now, so here I am.

One thing I want to remind you is that your sex life is just one slice of your life.

I want to remind you that everything in life ebbs and flows. It’s not a check box. You don’t arrive at a “good sex life.” It comes, it goes. Just like the seasons.

There are a couple reasons why this is such good news. First of all, without any effort at all- just the passing of the seasons- your sex life may take a turn for the better. Sometimes time heals. And secondly, if you have been feeling like Something Has Gone Wrong… consider the idea that nothing has gone wrong, you just haven’t figure it out yet.

Sex is a skill. It is one of the best thoughts I can teach you. You can get better at it. Or you can just decide you are already good at it (it’s just your lower brain trying to convince you otherwise.)

Because really? What difference does it make if you ARE good at sex, or if you just think you are? Thinking you are good at something will make it so, at least with practice.

Thirdly, if sex is a flow, it relinquishes you from thinking that it is all up to you. Just like you can’t make a plant grow, you can’t control all the factors that pop up between two people in a relationship. You can only do your part. You plant the seed, and water it, and make sure it gets good sunlight, and hopefully it grows. If it doesn’t grow, it doesn’t mean that you’ve done anything wrong. Maybe it just wasn’t meant to be. Maybe you are missing a critical piece of information. But you are not at fault. And the seed is not at fault either.

I think the easiest way to love your sex life is to just decide to love it however it currently is. Nothing has gone wrong and it is beautiful. I promise that will get you closer to a “good” sex life than any action advice I could propose.

All of this seems pretty simple. Just decide! But it is not easy.

If you are ready to love your sex life, I can help with that. Join me for a free consultation call where I will show you why you aren’t loving it now and what to do about it. Awareness is crucial! You can’t change anything you don’t understand! I will teach you why your brain would rather you just stay the same and how to overcome that.

I know I can help you. The question is: Are you ready?

An exercise for sexual triggers

If you have any history of sexual abuse or trauma of any kind, a likely experience regarding sex in your marriage is getting triggered.

I have a simple but powerful exercise to address this.

Journal out what happened to you. Try to remember as much detail as possible. This will most likely be an emotional experience. Pay attention to these emotions. Take note of what you are feeling and why. 

If you are afraid of being triggered, recognize that what you are really afraid of is feeling how you felt while the trauma was happening or immediately afterward. 

Let me use an example:

You might be afraid to be triggered because it makes you feel out of control. 

When you feel out of control, you want to shut down.

When you shut down, you get the result of feeling like you will always be afraid of trigger and feeling out of control. 

Notice that in this example, you are afraid of feeling out of control, but you already ARE out of control.

What if you could just feel out of control? 

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You don’t need to be afraid of a feeling. 

A feeling is just a vibration in your body. 

You are human and therefore an expert in emotions. You feel emotions every day.

Releasing yourself from fearing the feeling takes off one layer of emotion and gets you closer to how you actually want to feel. 

Welcome the feeling. 

Name it when it happens.

Describe it in your body. 

It will come and go in waves, and eventually it may never come back.

Love you friend. 

Go forth and feel those feelings!

On the same page as your husband

What is it with wanting to be on the same page as your husband?

(It’s not just you, it’s me too.)

If your desire was just the same, or closer to his…

If you could just see eye-to-eye with how you spend your money…

If you could come to an agreement on how to parent that difficult child…

If you could both figure out how to navigate each other’s parents…

Things would be easier.

Our brains want things to take as little work as possible. Easier seems like it’s always better.

But is it?

Easier doesn’t give us diversity.

Easier doesn’t get us to our goals.

Easier doesn’t make us better people. 

Easier is the natural man.

Easier is Satan’s plan.

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Besides. Isn’t it better if you both have different strengths? Then when one of you is weak, the other is strong.

Isn’t it better to have adventure and fun in the bedroom?

Maybe there isn’t one right way to manage money.

Maybe your difficult kid needs both methods of parenting.

What if the way you each are is exactly the way it is supposed to be?

What if this whole beautiful life and everything in it is working for you, not against you?

Isn’t it diversity that makes our world a more beautiful place? (Imagine if roses were the only kind of flower.)

Don’t try to make yourself like him. And don’t expect him to be like you.

Two people who are the same don’t encourage each other to learn and grow.

People who are the same don’t effect change.

Reading this same page over and over again is no fun. 

Create your own story.

Sex and Money: something in common

It surprised me to realize that most of my clients who struggle with sex also struggle with money issues. Not all of them but most of them.

I started thinking about this connection to figure out why.

The first possibility is that they are not connected directly at all, but only correlated.

Maybe it’s just that my Latter-day Saint target market all feel like they don’t have enough money. They tend to have one-earner families and many mouths to feed.

Maybe Christians are just more conservative and both sex and money are problems separately. 

Maybe both problems are just rampant.

But something within me says the same thing that makes sex difficult makes money scarce.

Scarce. Hm….

Scarcity can be a mindset. 

Usually when you think one thing is scarce, that shows up in other areas as well. 

But is sex scarce?

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Upon further reflection, I realized that scarcity comes from a place within you. 

Scarcity comes from feeling like you are not enough.

And THAT is what most of my clients have in common.

They struggle with sex, because they don’t feel like they are enough so they don’t show up fully. They hide. 

When you feel like you are not enough, then there will never be enough money either. 

Feeling like you aren’t enough leads you to try to prove your worth. You start looking at things outside of you to show you are enough. 

If you make or have enough money than you are enough.

If you perform well, then you are enough.

If your kids behave, then you are enough.

If sex is good, your husband will love you more and you will be enough.

This is a subconscious drive within us to feel like we are enough, valuable.

Let me just help you out right now:

YOU ARE ENOUGH.

Nothing outside of you is going to prove it.

In order to have enough money and good enough sex, you have to believe first that you are enough.

But friend- you are enough. Just the way you are. 

Lean into it.

Believe it.

Then watch your life change.

PS. Once you believe you are already enough, then everything you do will be just because you want to. It will come from a place of abundance. That energy fueling your actions will create more abundance in your life.

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If you want to work on this, come join my email list or my Facebook group.

What obligation does to a sex life.

When you feel like you should have sex, it almost always backfires.

When you think the thought “I should have sex,” how does it feel in your body?

{Side note: are you able to connect to your body and notice what is happening in your body while you are thinking a specific thought? (Writing a note to myself to address this in an upcoming post.)}

Usually, any thought with a ‘should’ in it feels like pressure or heavy. Not always, but often.

Your brain does not like pressure; it doesn’t like anything that seems “negative.” The reason is because the brain doesn’t differentiate between physical and emotional pain. Negative emotion means there could be something dangerous there.

So when you feel pressure or negative emotion you want to get away from it. This is just what human brains do!

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Usually this looks like doing anything but the thing that feels like pressure, which for your brain when you think “I should have sex” is sex.

So then when you DO have sex, it is coming from the pressure energy, not from desire or love or anything else.

The same action fueled by a different emotion will feel so different.

Sex fueled by obligation will be a totally different experience than sex fueled by love.

What do you feel when you agree to have sex with your husband? Is it obligation? Or something else? Pay attention.

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How to get your husband to stop asking for sex– it’s easier than you think!

How do you get your husband to stop asking, nagging, initiating or pouting about sex?

The easiest way?

Have sex.

So what comes up for you when I say that? Why aren’t you doing that already?

Time?

Energy?

Maybe he doesn’t deserve it? (This came up for one of my clients today.)

Is your reason that you don’t feel connected to him, so you don’t feel like having sex?

Do you think he will ask even more and then you will have to have sex even more and it will be a never-ending cycle that you can’t get out of??

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Let’s take these one by one.

Time. How long does it really take to have sex? Let’s face it, this is just an excuse. Time isn’t a REAL issue for most of us. See my last post for more evidence!

And if time is a real issue for you, then it’s just a matter of prioritizing your time. What is most important, second most, etc?

Energy. I’m feeling the tough love tonight– If you spent less energy thinking and fuming about sex, you would have more for sex. The underlying belief here is that sex TAKES energy. But what if you are wrong? What if it actually gives you energy? Why would you keep yourself from that?

There are activities that drain us and activities that energize us. It all depends on your thoughts about the activity. So if you can get to a place where you love sex… just sayin’…. it might be energizing!

But really. What if your husband isn’t taking from you but giving to you? What if you are looking at it all wrong?

He doesn’t deserve it. If you are thinking this, there is a good chance you are in a parent-child dynamic with your husband. And who the heck wants to have sex with their kid? Umm, not me. This feels like a responsibility, a heaviness. Your brain is gonna want to get far away from that. What if pleasure is not something we deserve or earn with good behavior? What if pleasure is just something we naturally seek and then it’s just about what we want or don’t want– the type of pleasure we are up for? The scriptures say that Men are that they might have joy. We are created for joy, and that often comes from pleasure.

So again, what if you are looking at it all wrong? He doesn’t deserve it or not deserve it. And neither do you! This is just about pleasure, connection and desire. What do you want? (And do you see that when you withhold sex from him, you are also withholding sex/pleasure from you? Even if you don’t enjoy sex yet… the promise of future pleasure with practice is being delayed for yourself.)

Connection. Yes. Connection leads to intimacy. But intimacy also leads to connection. It’s a self-reinforcing cycle. Either you have to have connection first. Or you have to have sex first. Depends on your desire type (responsive vs. spontaneous) as to which way you will prefer.

Also: connection is a feeling. Feelings come from our thoughts. You can create connection by thinking loving thoughts about your husband. Try focusing on what you love about him. What do you appreciate? What would you miss if he were gone? Boom. Connection.

Here’s the thing. It’s so much easier to give the power of our emotions away to other people. Then we don’t have to work at it. But it’s much more satisfying to do the work ourselves and create the feelings we want on purpose. It’s not easy, but it is powerful. I promise it will help you feel more connected to yourself and therefore more connected to your husband.

The never-ending cycle. OK, so right now you are just having sex the bare minimum in order to shut him up about it already. Your heart probably isn’t really in it; it’s just a physical act for you. This is like eating bread every meal. It’s not filling. What if you had sex more often but you still aren’t that into it? Like having more bread meals. What if you have sex and you decide to be all in? After all, if you are going to do it, you might as well do it right! This is like meat and potatoes meals. You might be surprised, but your husband likely doesn’t want sex just for the sexual release. It means something to him too. He wants you to be into it! He wants to be filled up. He wants to feel loved and like you mean it. When you can get to that place (and I assure you, you can if you want to), he will likely want sex less often because the “filling meal” will last longer.

Maybe I am wrong and his desire is off the hook. In that case I want you to recognize that you always have a choice. You don’t ever have to have sex, even with your husband. So if you are having sex even if you “don’t really want to,” the alternative is worse than the sex to your brain. What’s the alternative? Only you can answer that.

*Another way you could get him to stop asking for sex is to get divorced. There are always alternatives my friend.

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Man, I love this work. I love helping women love their sex lives which leads them to love themselves more so they can love everyone around them more. Come join my coaching program so you can get amazing results in your life. I promise it’ll be worth it.

Maybe this is why you don’t enjoy your sex life.

Do you believe sex is important for a marriage?

Why?

Why do you have sex?

Do these two reasons align?

There are a variety of reasons to have sex but your personal reason matters to the quality of your sex life.

I am assuming you believe sex is important in marriage, or else you probably wouldn’t be here reading. (Please feel free to comment and let me know if I am wrong!)

If the reason you think sex is important is because it brings you closer to your husband, but then you have sex just so he will quit asking, I submit to you that there is a disconnect! This may be why you don’t love your sex life!

Your personal reason has to be compelling to YOU.

When we have sex FOR our husbands and not for ourselves, it tends to breed resentment and dislike. Or even just apathy.

Would you like to have sex with someone who doesn’t really care about it?

I was once talking with a client about why she has sex and I offered that it connects husband and wife. She recoiled at the thought. She was feeling too connected to her husband and desperately wanted space from him to be her own person.

For someone else, connection may be what they are craving.

If you believe sex is important because it’s fun, and you have sex because you find it pleasurable and fun, your reasons are aligned and you are probably having a great sex life! (Why are you here? Go have some sex!)

Sometimes clients tell me it is selfish to do things for themselves. But when it comes to sex, THAT’S THE WHOLE PURPOSE. This selfishness non-sense is cultural messaging that is not useful.

When two people come together (each for their own reasons) and have sex for the sheer pleasure of it, the experience is magical. The intimacy increases and the pleasure increases.

Ladies, you are entitled to have pleasure just because you want it. You don’t even have to deserve it!

Find a reason for sex that is just your own personal reason and is not for anybody else. Then go and have sex and try it out. Does it improve the experience?

Sex is for men and other lies we tell ourselves.

Men need sex.

My husband can only have sex with me, so I have to have sex with him.

His sexual desire is higher than mine, so it’s up to me to meet his needs.

If he is frustrated it’s because I didn’t have sex with him.

It’s my responsibility to make him happy.

If I don’t have sex with him he will have an affair or want a divorce.

Sex is for men.

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Do you believe any of these thoughts? If so, you are giving your sexual responsibility and power away to your husband. His feelings come from his thoughts, not from what you do or don’t do.

If you feel like you are having sex in order to manage your husband’s emotions, just stop right now. Find a better reason. Manage your own emotions first.

When you show up in your marriage as more authentically you, things will shift.

The energy– the WHY– behind your actions matters.

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Does this post resonate with you? If so, you may want to check out my 20 Questions to Ask to Improve Your Sex Mindset.

What does God think about sex?

With it being the Sabbath, I wanted to give you some thoughts about sex in religion and how the two can go together.

Many women have this belief that sex is dirty or wrong. But it is also the way to create children, which are “an heritage of the Lord.” Sometimes the messages around sex, coming from religion get a little mixed up.

God created man and woman. If God is a perfect, and he created our bodies, then our bodies are perfect. The female body has a tiny little organ that is meant strictly for pleasure: the clitoris. Why would God create the female body with a clitoris, in which the only purpose is pleasure, if he didn’t want women to have pleasure during sex?

Your sexuality is an essential part of you. It’s like the color of your eyes, your preference for certain foods, etc. I believe God wants us to each love ourselves and see our true potentials and work toward them. But what happens when we try to repress or ignore an essential part of our selves? (It doesn’t feel good!) We can’t work toward something we are ignoring.

If part of our identity as a child of God is to be good and pure or righteous, and we think that sex is dirty or shameful, then the two are in opposition to each other. We have to first accept sex as something that God wants for us– something that can help us to reach our potential. We must view sex as beautiful and good. It has to align with our identity for it to feel good and bring us closer to God.

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What if sex was akin to the sacrament? Partaking of the sacrament is eating a symbolic piece of bread and drinking a symbolic sip of water. They represent Christ’s body and blood, respectively. We actually ingest them into our bodies as a way to literally become more like Christ. We have to allow “Christ” to enter our bodies. When we have sex, we are allowing someone else’s body to enter our bodies. It requires openness and vulnerability. When two people willingly partake in this activity together with shared goals, it brings them closer together. They share a part of their souls with one another. Biologically speaking, oxytocin in released during this process, which quite literally bonds them together. (This, in my opinion, is one reason we are taught to keep sex within marriage. Complete fidelity could suggest bonding in this way with only one person.)

Of course, I have no way of knowing the mind of God. But these ideas help me to think of sex as a holy, sacred act that brings me closer to my husband and also closer to God. I love the simple image of a triangle with husband, wife, and God at each corner. When we individually try to get closer to God, we naturally become closer to one another. And when we try to become closer to each other, we naturally become closer to God.

Thinking of sex this way helps me drop any guilt, shame or negativity in general and compels me to try to make sex a regular part of my marriage. I hope the same is true for you!

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This is day 4 of 30 days of blogging. Comment or email me if you have a topic you would like me to write about. You can also follow me on instagram or facebook if you don’t want to miss a post. Click here for my 20 Questions to Improve Your Sex Mindset pdf.

Better terminology for desire: spontaneous or responsive

It’s common to talk about our desire as either “higher” or “lower.” And it’s good to know how you relate to your partner. Are you the partner with higher desire or lower?

And also know that desire is all relative. Maybe both you and your partner are “high” desire, one of you is just “high-ER” than the other.

Or conversely, maybe you are both on the low end of the spectrum.

So are you comparing yourself to your partner, or to the rest of the world and what is “normal?”

Let me just tell you that EVERYTHING is normal.

But words that are even more useful than “higher” and “lower” are spontaneous and responsive.

Lest you think I am all smart, I got this from Come As You Are by Emily Nagoski. She is the smart one!

Spontaneous desire is when you just naturally and without trigger, feel desire for sex. Generally speaking, these are the “higher” desire spouses out there.

Responsive desire is when you feel desire only after something explicitly erotic is happening (like your partner initiating sex). Usually this is what we think of as “lower” desire partners.

Just keep in mind that every brain functions uniquely. Whether you are spontaneous desire or responsive desire is just a neutral circumstance. It is neither good or bad until you have an opinion about it.

Our culture would have us believe that having spontaneous desire is better somehow. But who made that rule up? (Emily talks about how this is a leftover artifact of a patriarchal society.)

The reason I think these words are more useful is that in our minds when we use words like ‘higher’ and ‘lower,’ it is difficult to not associate that with ‘good’ and ‘bad.’ High and low is just a visual we often use to connote better and worse. Like the idea of a totem pole. The faces at the top were more powerful.

But when we use ‘spontaneous’ and ‘responsive’ this doesn’t happen. There is no good or bad, it’s just how your brain responds.

Emily makes this point, and I completely agree with her: How you think about your sexual desire is more important that what your sexual desire actually is.

So what category do you fall under? How do you feel about that?

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PS. Yesterday started my 30 days of blog posts. If there is a question or topic you would like to see addressed, please comment or email me. And as always, I would love it if you shared my posts with anyone you think could benefit from them. Or use them as a conversation starter with your spouse.