If my clients can get vulnerable, I can too.

I have to tell you something private. This was not in my blogging plan. And it’s a little vulnerable– maybe borderline TMI. (Don’t tell my hubby that I wrote this out for the entire internet to read. Although we all know in his heart of hearts he would love to brag about this.) I figure if my clients can open up and be vulnerable, I can too.

Today has been a super full day. My girls leave for girl’s camp in the morning and they not only had to pack, but shop for clothes. There was a BBQ and voice lessons and piano lessons and grocery shopping and laundry and ALL. THE. THINGS.

But at one point I found myself making out with my husband. With two kids in the house. Awake.

So first of all Mama of little ones: know that it gets better. Those kids who need you constantly, who make you all “touched-out,” get to a point where you can leave them unsupervised for chunks of time.

We had a kid pick-up and drop-off to make, so the making-out had to be put on hold. He ran that kid around and when he got home… well…. {we had sex}. Again with kids in the house and awake. And it was good. (TMI?)

I share this because not too long ago, I would have never been able to do it. During the day, when it was light out, and kids. Kids! Awake!

I used to think I was too tired and busy. I used to think that if I had sex whenever he wanted it, we would constantly be in bed and I would never get anything done. I used to believe sex was for him.

No longer my friend. It only took us 15 minutes and I have been able to get everything done today that I had planned!

Who have I become?!

I have become a woman who loves her sex life. Who loves sex. Who’da-thunk?

I have been able to let go of so many obstacles to get to this point. And it is not a gimmick when I say that life coaching is what got me here. Because all those obstacles I speak of? They were all in my mind.

My husband and I have been blessed with a strong and passionate marriage. But I am still the lower/responsive desire in my marriage like so many of you are. Our sex life has not always been an easy thing for both of us.

But I am living proof that it CAN be.

I am filled with gratitude at this life of mine. I am literally living my dream. My marriage is amazing. I feel like I am a fabulous mom. Sure there are relationships I could work on, but these ones that I have contact with daily, if not by the minute are the ones I care the most about. This is the abundant life.

Friends, I invite you to schedule a free call with me. I’d love to show you how you can live your most abundant life. A great sex life is the proof. And if you aren’t ready for that, join my Facebook group, follow me on Instagram or Facebook or grab my free pdf to get yourself started on improving your sex mindset.

Better terminology for desire: spontaneous or responsive

It’s common to talk about our desire as either “higher” or “lower.” And it’s good to know how you relate to your partner. Are you the partner with higher desire or lower?

And also know that desire is all relative. Maybe both you and your partner are “high” desire, one of you is just “high-ER” than the other.

Or conversely, maybe you are both on the low end of the spectrum.

So are you comparing yourself to your partner, or to the rest of the world and what is “normal?”

Let me just tell you that EVERYTHING is normal.

But words that are even more useful than “higher” and “lower” are spontaneous and responsive.

Lest you think I am all smart, I got this from Come As You Are by Emily Nagoski. She is the smart one!

Spontaneous desire is when you just naturally and without trigger, feel desire for sex. Generally speaking, these are the “higher” desire spouses out there.

Responsive desire is when you feel desire only after something explicitly erotic is happening (like your partner initiating sex). Usually this is what we think of as “lower” desire partners.

Just keep in mind that every brain functions uniquely. Whether you are spontaneous desire or responsive desire is just a neutral circumstance. It is neither good or bad until you have an opinion about it.

Our culture would have us believe that having spontaneous desire is better somehow. But who made that rule up? (Emily talks about how this is a leftover artifact of a patriarchal society.)

The reason I think these words are more useful is that in our minds when we use words like ‘higher’ and ‘lower,’ it is difficult to not associate that with ‘good’ and ‘bad.’ High and low is just a visual we often use to connote better and worse. Like the idea of a totem pole. The faces at the top were more powerful.

But when we use ‘spontaneous’ and ‘responsive’ this doesn’t happen. There is no good or bad, it’s just how your brain responds.

Emily makes this point, and I completely agree with her: How you think about your sexual desire is more important that what your sexual desire actually is.

So what category do you fall under? How do you feel about that?

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PS. Yesterday started my 30 days of blog posts. If there is a question or topic you would like to see addressed, please comment or email me. And as always, I would love it if you shared my posts with anyone you think could benefit from them. Or use them as a conversation starter with your spouse.