When you feel pressure from your husband

I talked about pressure to have sex here, but I wanted to add to that a bit tonight.

I often hear women saying something to this effect:

“My husband has higher desire. I never feel like having sex. I have young kids and not a lot of time. I always feel so much pressure from my husband. If I am wearing make-up or dress nicely or even just kiss passionately, he will want sex, so I avoid those things. And then when I do agree to have sex, he seems to push me to do things that I don’t want to do and it makes me not want to have sex anymore.”*

If this describes your feelings about sex, I want you to think about this: why don’t you just say no? You don’t want to have sex, but you also don’t want to say no to sex.

Saying no to sex makes you feel guity.

Not saying no makes you feel pressure.

Your brain doesn’t like either of these options, but in this scenario, your brain would prefer the pressure to the guilt (because that is what you are feeling).

Feeling pressure keeps you from feeling guilt. Feeling guilt keeps you from feeling pressure.

I also want to teach you that pressure comes from your THOUGHTS.

IT DOESN’T COME FROM YOUR HUSBAND.

If a stranger came up to you and asked for sex, you wouldn’t feel any guilt for saying no. And if you didn’t actually say no, you wouldn’t feel any pressure. Maybe disgust or fear or any other number of feelings, but pressure likely wouldn’t be one of them. This is because you wouldn’t care what a stranger is thinking or feeling.

Pressure comes from your thoughts about what your husband is thinking or feeling.

Photo by Velizar Ivanov on Unsplash

Of course, our husbands’ opinions matter to us in so many ways.

But whether or not we “should” have sex doesn’t have to be one of them.

What if your husband could your grab your butt…

or you could kiss him passionately…

or you could wear whatever the heck you want…

and you wouldn’t feel pressure or guilt?

It’s not your job to manage your husband’s emotions.

I promise when you stop trying to make him feel a certain way and expecting him to make you feel a certain way, you will start focusing on what you really desire and the pressure will go away. Your relationship will grow to the next level.

This is not selfish because in the end, your husband will also benefit from this shift.

Last thing. Of course he always wants to have sex with you! You are amazing! He thinks you’re hot! You are smart and the mother of his children! Why wouldn’t he want to have sex with you?? You got it goin’ on!

*I am referring to a loving, non-abusive relationship.

What obligation does to a sex life.

When you feel like you should have sex, it almost always backfires.

When you think the thought “I should have sex,” how does it feel in your body?

{Side note: are you able to connect to your body and notice what is happening in your body while you are thinking a specific thought? (Writing a note to myself to address this in an upcoming post.)}

Usually, any thought with a ‘should’ in it feels like pressure or heavy. Not always, but often.

Your brain does not like pressure; it doesn’t like anything that seems “negative.” The reason is because the brain doesn’t differentiate between physical and emotional pain. Negative emotion means there could be something dangerous there.

So when you feel pressure or negative emotion you want to get away from it. This is just what human brains do!

Photo by Priscilla Du Preez on Unsplash

Usually this looks like doing anything but the thing that feels like pressure, which for your brain when you think “I should have sex” is sex.

So then when you DO have sex, it is coming from the pressure energy, not from desire or love or anything else.

The same action fueled by a different emotion will feel so different.

Sex fueled by obligation will be a totally different experience than sex fueled by love.

What do you feel when you agree to have sex with your husband? Is it obligation? Or something else? Pay attention.

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Sexual pressure after date night? Here’s what to do.

My husband and I decided to go on a dinner date tonight and talk about our family budget. We had some financial decisions to make.

On the way to the restaurant, I casually said, “What should I write about for my blog tonight?” and jokingly added, “Maybe the pressure to have sex after a date night?”

He replied, “Sure, but I still get sex, right?”

Oh the irony.

Photo by Tim Foster on Unsplash

When we feel pressure to have sex– or do anything for that matter– our brains do not like that feeling and want to get far away from it. We do things that temporarily relieve the pressure, like eating chocolate, watching TV, scrolling social media, etc. It could even be sleep or read. Those activities feel better than the pressure-inducing activity.

The pressure to have sex creates a result that is anything BUT sex.

It seems counter-intuitive. It seems like if there is pressure, you would be more likely to just get the thing done, but that is not how the brain works.

The pressure doesn’t come from your spouse or the sex or anything outside of you. It comes from your thought that you should have sex. Or he wants you to. Pressure always comes from your thought about the situation.

What I recommend instead is to recognize that you always have a choice. Just because you go on a date night with your husband doesn’t mean that you have to have sex. When we see it as a choice, there is no pressure.

You may want to have sex. Or maybe not. But you might decide that you’ll have sex anyway because that’s the kind of wife you want to be. Or because it’s fun. Or because you want to feel close to your husband. Being intimate out of choice or desire will always produce better results for yourself than pressure.

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I would love your feedback. Do you have a comment or question or a curiosity I can address in a future post?

Grant yourself permission

Every day we grant permission in a million little ways both explicitly and implicitly:

We swipe our cards giving the vendor permission to draw funds from our bank accounts.

We allow someone to spritz us with perfume in the department store.

We yield the right-of-way as we drive.

We allow people to speak to us in both positive and negative ways.

We invite people into our homes.

We allow the dental hygienist to inflict pain upon our gums.

We lend clothes to our teenager.

We read a book and let it change us.

We don’t take the time to unsubscribe from that email we hate seeing in our inbox.

You get the idea.

Photo by 胡 卓亨 on Unsplash

But do we allow ourselves the same permission? Or are our lives run by shoulds and musts?

Do we allow ourselves to speak kindly to ourselves?

Do we invite ourselves into our homes, figuratively?

Do we yield to our own selves?

Or are we held back by cultural and family ideals or pressures we don’t even realize are there?

If you are an adult, you are allowed to do and think whatever you want.

That is a thought that can free you up.

You don’t have to have a savings account if you don’t want to.

You can do the “irresponsible” thing if it fuels you.

You can believe your body is beautiful. No. matter. what.

Now. This doesn’t mean that whatever you do doesn’t have consequences. Everything has consequences.

It just means that all the options are on the table. Even if they never seemed to be before.

In most cases, you are the one that needs to grant yourself permission.

So what do you really want, and what’s been holding you back? Is it just a matter of granting yourself permission?