How to get your husband to stop asking for sex– it’s easier than you think!

How do you get your husband to stop asking, nagging, initiating or pouting about sex?

The easiest way?

Have sex.

So what comes up for you when I say that? Why aren’t you doing that already?

Time?

Energy?

Maybe he doesn’t deserve it? (This came up for one of my clients today.)

Is your reason that you don’t feel connected to him, so you don’t feel like having sex?

Do you think he will ask even more and then you will have to have sex even more and it will be a never-ending cycle that you can’t get out of??

Photo by DAVIDCOHEN on Unsplash

Let’s take these one by one.

Time. How long does it really take to have sex? Let’s face it, this is just an excuse. Time isn’t a REAL issue for most of us. See my last post for more evidence!

And if time is a real issue for you, then it’s just a matter of prioritizing your time. What is most important, second most, etc?

Energy. I’m feeling the tough love tonight– If you spent less energy thinking and fuming about sex, you would have more for sex. The underlying belief here is that sex TAKES energy. But what if you are wrong? What if it actually gives you energy? Why would you keep yourself from that?

There are activities that drain us and activities that energize us. It all depends on your thoughts about the activity. So if you can get to a place where you love sex… just sayin’…. it might be energizing!

But really. What if your husband isn’t taking from you but giving to you? What if you are looking at it all wrong?

He doesn’t deserve it. If you are thinking this, there is a good chance you are in a parent-child dynamic with your husband. And who the heck wants to have sex with their kid? Umm, not me. This feels like a responsibility, a heaviness. Your brain is gonna want to get far away from that. What if pleasure is not something we deserve or earn with good behavior? What if pleasure is just something we naturally seek and then it’s just about what we want or don’t want– the type of pleasure we are up for? The scriptures say that Men are that they might have joy. We are created for joy, and that often comes from pleasure.

So again, what if you are looking at it all wrong? He doesn’t deserve it or not deserve it. And neither do you! This is just about pleasure, connection and desire. What do you want? (And do you see that when you withhold sex from him, you are also withholding sex/pleasure from you? Even if you don’t enjoy sex yet… the promise of future pleasure with practice is being delayed for yourself.)

Connection. Yes. Connection leads to intimacy. But intimacy also leads to connection. It’s a self-reinforcing cycle. Either you have to have connection first. Or you have to have sex first. Depends on your desire type (responsive vs. spontaneous) as to which way you will prefer.

Also: connection is a feeling. Feelings come from our thoughts. You can create connection by thinking loving thoughts about your husband. Try focusing on what you love about him. What do you appreciate? What would you miss if he were gone? Boom. Connection.

Here’s the thing. It’s so much easier to give the power of our emotions away to other people. Then we don’t have to work at it. But it’s much more satisfying to do the work ourselves and create the feelings we want on purpose. It’s not easy, but it is powerful. I promise it will help you feel more connected to yourself and therefore more connected to your husband.

The never-ending cycle. OK, so right now you are just having sex the bare minimum in order to shut him up about it already. Your heart probably isn’t really in it; it’s just a physical act for you. This is like eating bread every meal. It’s not filling. What if you had sex more often but you still aren’t that into it? Like having more bread meals. What if you have sex and you decide to be all in? After all, if you are going to do it, you might as well do it right! This is like meat and potatoes meals. You might be surprised, but your husband likely doesn’t want sex just for the sexual release. It means something to him too. He wants you to be into it! He wants to be filled up. He wants to feel loved and like you mean it. When you can get to that place (and I assure you, you can if you want to), he will likely want sex less often because the “filling meal” will last longer.

Maybe I am wrong and his desire is off the hook. In that case I want you to recognize that you always have a choice. You don’t ever have to have sex, even with your husband. So if you are having sex even if you “don’t really want to,” the alternative is worse than the sex to your brain. What’s the alternative? Only you can answer that.

*Another way you could get him to stop asking for sex is to get divorced. There are always alternatives my friend.

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Man, I love this work. I love helping women love their sex lives which leads them to love themselves more so they can love everyone around them more. Come join my coaching program so you can get amazing results in your life. I promise it’ll be worth it.

Maybe this is why you don’t enjoy your sex life.

Do you believe sex is important for a marriage?

Why?

Why do you have sex?

Do these two reasons align?

There are a variety of reasons to have sex but your personal reason matters to the quality of your sex life.

I am assuming you believe sex is important in marriage, or else you probably wouldn’t be here reading. (Please feel free to comment and let me know if I am wrong!)

If the reason you think sex is important is because it brings you closer to your husband, but then you have sex just so he will quit asking, I submit to you that there is a disconnect! This may be why you don’t love your sex life!

Your personal reason has to be compelling to YOU.

When we have sex FOR our husbands and not for ourselves, it tends to breed resentment and dislike. Or even just apathy.

Would you like to have sex with someone who doesn’t really care about it?

I was once talking with a client about why she has sex and I offered that it connects husband and wife. She recoiled at the thought. She was feeling too connected to her husband and desperately wanted space from him to be her own person.

For someone else, connection may be what they are craving.

If you believe sex is important because it’s fun, and you have sex because you find it pleasurable and fun, your reasons are aligned and you are probably having a great sex life! (Why are you here? Go have some sex!)

Sometimes clients tell me it is selfish to do things for themselves. But when it comes to sex, THAT’S THE WHOLE PURPOSE. This selfishness non-sense is cultural messaging that is not useful.

When two people come together (each for their own reasons) and have sex for the sheer pleasure of it, the experience is magical. The intimacy increases and the pleasure increases.

Ladies, you are entitled to have pleasure just because you want it. You don’t even have to deserve it!

Find a reason for sex that is just your own personal reason and is not for anybody else. Then go and have sex and try it out. Does it improve the experience?

What does God think about sex?

With it being the Sabbath, I wanted to give you some thoughts about sex in religion and how the two can go together.

Many women have this belief that sex is dirty or wrong. But it is also the way to create children, which are “an heritage of the Lord.” Sometimes the messages around sex, coming from religion get a little mixed up.

God created man and woman. If God is a perfect, and he created our bodies, then our bodies are perfect. The female body has a tiny little organ that is meant strictly for pleasure: the clitoris. Why would God create the female body with a clitoris, in which the only purpose is pleasure, if he didn’t want women to have pleasure during sex?

Your sexuality is an essential part of you. It’s like the color of your eyes, your preference for certain foods, etc. I believe God wants us to each love ourselves and see our true potentials and work toward them. But what happens when we try to repress or ignore an essential part of our selves? (It doesn’t feel good!) We can’t work toward something we are ignoring.

If part of our identity as a child of God is to be good and pure or righteous, and we think that sex is dirty or shameful, then the two are in opposition to each other. We have to first accept sex as something that God wants for us– something that can help us to reach our potential. We must view sex as beautiful and good. It has to align with our identity for it to feel good and bring us closer to God.

Photo by Ben White on Unsplash

What if sex was akin to the sacrament? Partaking of the sacrament is eating a symbolic piece of bread and drinking a symbolic sip of water. They represent Christ’s body and blood, respectively. We actually ingest them into our bodies as a way to literally become more like Christ. We have to allow “Christ” to enter our bodies. When we have sex, we are allowing someone else’s body to enter our bodies. It requires openness and vulnerability. When two people willingly partake in this activity together with shared goals, it brings them closer together. They share a part of their souls with one another. Biologically speaking, oxytocin in released during this process, which quite literally bonds them together. (This, in my opinion, is one reason we are taught to keep sex within marriage. Complete fidelity could suggest bonding in this way with only one person.)

Of course, I have no way of knowing the mind of God. But these ideas help me to think of sex as a holy, sacred act that brings me closer to my husband and also closer to God. I love the simple image of a triangle with husband, wife, and God at each corner. When we individually try to get closer to God, we naturally become closer to one another. And when we try to become closer to each other, we naturally become closer to God.

Thinking of sex this way helps me drop any guilt, shame or negativity in general and compels me to try to make sex a regular part of my marriage. I hope the same is true for you!

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This is day 4 of 30 days of blogging. Comment or email me if you have a topic you would like me to write about. You can also follow me on instagram or facebook if you don’t want to miss a post. Click here for my 20 Questions to Improve Your Sex Mindset pdf.