After a dream last night: this is what I wish the husbands knew about their wives and sex:
Most of my clients start out by saying that they don’t necessarily want to want sex more for themselves, but for you. They could just say I am not having sex anymore and you will just have to deal with it. But they don’t. They are willing to take time out of their busy schedules and pay money so they can work on themselves so that you are more satisfied.
They have a lot of shame around sex. Whether they have endured sexual abuse or made a mistake in their youth or were just told sex is dirty and bad, they are often ashamed. Shame wants to hide, so it’s difficult for them to speak up and tell you or anyone else. So if your wife seems distant or quiet just know that it is her human brain trying to keep her safe from the possibly “dangerous” shame.
Sometimes sex is painful. But she does’t tell you because she thinks she should just stick it out. Encourage her to see her doctor.
And here is the big one: Your wife desperately wants sex to be a positive, enjoyable experience. But she hasn’t yet figured out how to make it pleasurable. She probably hasn’t explored her own body enough to know what feels good. She doesn’t know if she actually has ever had an orgasm. She doesn’t want to masturbate, but she also doesn’t know how to bring this up with you. Not because she doesn’t feel safe, it’s just… awkward. If there hasn’t been a precedent set for talking about sex, she doesn’t know how to start one now.
And lastly, your wife’s feelings about sex and intimacy have nothing to do with you. It has everything to do with what she has been taught and not taught, her fears and her desires, her assumptions and wanting to be enough for you. Just because she wants to try something new or different doesn’t mean you are any less of a man. It doesn’t mean she doesn’t love you. It doesn’t mean something is wrong in your marriage or that anyone has failed. It only means she wants to become the next version of herself who is confident and joyful in her own body.