Sexual rejection and its antidote

Rejection is a powerful emotion.

When we feel rejection, it usually means we aren’t likable, or we aren’t good enough.

This comes from primitive times when we were hunter-gatherers traveling in a pack. Being kicked out of the pack meant certain death.

But it rarely means death in our modern culture today.

Our brains are so scared of rejection that they would rather feel fear or guilt, or almost any other negative emotion.

Photo by Jp Valery on Unsplash

Rejection shows up in the bedroom frequently.

The spontaneous-desire partner may get turned down, and then they feel rejected.

When we feel rejected, we want to do anything to get away from that negative emotion, so we stop initiating sex or withdraw. We may get whiny or nag (not attractive).

Just notice that the rejection is just a thought in your mind.

Maybe your partner turned you down because they didn’t feel sexy.
Maybe your partner turned you down because they were really tired.
Maybe your partner turned you down because they were in a bad mood.

Notice, none of these reasons is about YOU.

But when they say no, you make it mean that they don’t like or love you the way you are. That you aren’t good enough.

What if it really only means they were tired or angry or feeling frumpy?

Sometimes we reject ourselves ahead of time so we don’t have to feel failure.

When we think others are judging us, we feel rejected, and then act in a way that is not in line with who we are, but instead who we think other people want us to be. In a sense, when we act in a way that is for others and against our true authenticity, we are rejecting ourselves. Because the alternative is to be true to ourselves and then someone not liking it and feeling rejected.

So if you are going to be rejected either way, why not do it in the way that feels authentic to you?

The antidote to rejection is self-love.

If you accept and love yourself no matter what, then what other people say and do doesn’t mean anything about you.

AND. You get to feel love, because when you love you are the one that feels the love.

So whether you are initiating sex, or dating, or are just out in the world being you, love yourself. Accept yourself as whole and worthy just the way you are.

Who knows? Maybe you loving yourself will be the inspiration or permission someone else needs to do the same.

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Does this post resonate with you? If so, you may want to check out my 20 Questions to Ask to Improve Your Sex Mindset.

Socks and Marriage

I remember where I was standing the day I had a profound insight about marriage.

In my bedroom near the foot of the bed, a few feet away from the master bathroom. My husband had left his socks on the floor, just inches from his laundry basket. Feeling the frustration and resentment rise up in me, I stopped and wondered why this bothered me so much.

And that’s when it happened. The ah-ha moment. I realized that I felt like his actions were a reflection of me. We were, after all, “twain one flesh.” And then I thought of my friends’ husbands. Do I look at their husbands and make judgements about them? Um. No.

That was the beginning of the end of my nagging. Now I can’t say that I never nag anymore. I’m nowhere near perfect and I am sure I do. But now that I consciously know that how my husband acts is NOT a reflection on me, it is so much easier to let the little things go.

That experience happened at least 7 years into marriage. If I had known the tools I know now, I could have saved myself a lot of frustration. If you are ready to break free of the frustration in your marriage, email me for a complimentary coaching session.