Sexual pressure after date night? Here’s what to do.

My husband and I decided to go on a dinner date tonight and talk about our family budget. We had some financial decisions to make.

On the way to the restaurant, I casually said, “What should I write about for my blog tonight?” and jokingly added, “Maybe the pressure to have sex after a date night?”

He replied, “Sure, but I still get sex, right?”

Oh the irony.

Photo by Tim Foster on Unsplash

When we feel pressure to have sex– or do anything for that matter– our brains do not like that feeling and want to get far away from it. We do things that temporarily relieve the pressure, like eating chocolate, watching TV, scrolling social media, etc. It could even be sleep or read. Those activities feel better than the pressure-inducing activity.

The pressure to have sex creates a result that is anything BUT sex.

It seems counter-intuitive. It seems like if there is pressure, you would be more likely to just get the thing done, but that is not how the brain works.

The pressure doesn’t come from your spouse or the sex or anything outside of you. It comes from your thought that you should have sex. Or he wants you to. Pressure always comes from your thought about the situation.

What I recommend instead is to recognize that you always have a choice. Just because you go on a date night with your husband doesn’t mean that you have to have sex. When we see it as a choice, there is no pressure.

You may want to have sex. Or maybe not. But you might decide that you’ll have sex anyway because that’s the kind of wife you want to be. Or because it’s fun. Or because you want to feel close to your husband. Being intimate out of choice or desire will always produce better results for yourself than pressure.


I would love your feedback. Do you have a comment or question or a curiosity I can address in a future post?