Self-doubt and fear of failure are par for the course for any entrepreneur (or any person for that matter!), but these two emotions came up for me big-time today. I called my coach (JillFreestone.com) for an emergency session. She only had 20 minutes, but it was enough to get me some large realizations.
My biggest takeaway was that I have a hard time feeling vulnerable. Also, I am not really letting myself feel my feelings all the way.
Soooo… after I got off the call with her, I sat and just wrote and wrote. SIX pages. And I am not done.
In the interest of letting myself be vulnerable and feeling fear and doing it anyway, here is what I found. This is my stream of consciousness with notes in parentheses:
- What am I feeling? (Keep in mind, this was after opening up to Jill and feeling lots of feelings.)
- Inadequate– did I not even know what that felt like? Have I been avoiding this feeling?
- Fear– something has gone wrong, to fail, to not make any money, to be a burden on my family and my husband
- Angry– that I have to feel this way to move forward. this is hard.
- Lonely– nobody cares about me, nobody understands me, nobody respects me, nobody loves me
- Unloved– my family [of origin] rejects me, my family doesn’t care. I shouldn’t have been born. I should quit now. I was a mistake. I cause pain and suffering. I am a mistake. (Interesting I didn’t identify shame coming up, but maybe I just didn’t notice that in the moment.) (I also made a note here that I haven’t been reading my scriptures or saying my prayers since being on vacation and being out of routine.)
- Vibrations I am feeling (I had so many feelings that I couldn’t identify just one, so I just listed all the vibrations.)
- tight throat
- full chest, heart beating faster
- want to close my eyes
- runny nose
- hot cheeks
- tired back (from sitting 3 hours?)
- pulling my lips down into a frown
- emptiness in chest/stomach
- None of my “success” has come from loving myself, feeling joy. It has all come from trying to prove something. Pushing myself. covering the fear/vulnerability.
- The urgency has passed. Now I feel like a train wreck. Puffy eyes, red face,
- I keep seeing that I can’t do anything because it costs money. Ultimately I don’t feel valuable. I am worthless. I should die… except that won’t solve it either. This is the job of the Atonement.
- I really feel like eating something sweet now. (I haven’t been eating chocolate since Jan. 1, 2019 and no sweet treats since Sunday.) I want to get away from these feelings. Maybe I’m scared to feel? What if I kept feeling? I would be weak. People would have to make up for my slacking. I’m clearly not allowed to feel. How is all this true?
- I AM INADEQUATE! I can’t get myself back to heaven.
- I am weak. Only through the Savior am I ever strong.
- I am unloved. By plenty of people. (Like millions of strangers.)
- I should be afraid! Of what God thinks and his consequences.
- I am totally and completely imperfect.
- —> And all of this is how it’s supposed to be.
- —> I only fail if I stop trying.
- Truly what if I am not enough? Then I’ll be rejected. Then what? I’ll be alone and unloved. Then what? <Long pause for reflection.> I am not enough. Nobody is. Now what? I can do anything I want. What do I want? Follow and love Christ. Be his example. Love. Love Christ. Be enough for yourself. What does that look like?
- Going slow
- Keeping a clean house
- Massages and alone time
- Being affectionate
- Bearing testimony
- Listen to piano music
- Spend money on myself
- Eat well
- What do I need to believe about myself in order to love me?
- I love myself
- I’m ok the way I am
- I belong to myself
- I can love myself no matter what
- Everybody is equal
- I have nothing to prove
- What else do I need to believe? (I was thinking about all the things I love and why.)
- Life is beautiful.
- Everything is perfect just the way it is.
- God is stacking things in my favor.
- God loves me.
- I am so much.
- I have so much.
- Becoming whole is possible.
- Heavenly Father has my back.
- I am 100% valuable and worthy.
- I like being around myself.
- I accept myself 100%
- I like me!
- I feel safe.
- I’m one of my favorite people.
- I am beautiful.
- I am my self. (i.e. “He is my son”)
- This is how it was meant to be.
- I’ve put so much work into myself.
- I feel good.
- I know myself.
- I am doing my best.
- I am a hard worker.
- I am smart.
- I am loyal.
- I am my kind of person.
Ok, that’s where I ended my thought download/self-coaching. I want to keep going and ask myself “Who do I want to be?” That came up in my coaching with Jill. My knee-jerk reaction is “I don’t know.” So she challenged me to decide and try it out and then make adjustments.
I thought all sorts of things as I typed all this up. Things like, This is too vulnerable. People will think I am crazy. People will feel sorry for me. People will be concerned for me. People won’t like me. They will see how broken I am. This is unprofessional. My legs are bouncing like crazy, which is one thing that happens when I am really nervous.
And I just wanted to tell you that 3 things really made an impact after this exercise. 1. Recognizing I am not enough. I have been fighting this so hard for my whole life. Realizing that I don’t have to fight it and I can still live my life was powerful. I don’t have to prove my enoughness, because it’s false. I can just let it be and let the Atonement of Jesus Christ take over for me.
2. When I wrote down I belong to myself I think I actually heard my brain click. It was like I’ve been trying to belong to everybody else for so long, not realizing the only one I really need to belong to is me. I think I remember reading something from Brené Brown about Maya Angelou in this vein. I’ll have to go back and find it.
3. When I wrote down I am so much I was like, “Wow.” It’s true. Each of us is so complex. It felt good. As if I’ve been trying to prove “enough” but really I should have been looking for “so much.”
I think that’s it for now. I am suuuuuper tempted to not post this and to just keep it a draft, but I think it would defeat the purpose.
I am ready to feel all the emotions.