How to talk to your husband about your sexual needs (or anything else).

  1. Figure out what you want the outcome of the conversation to be. Do you just want to get some things off your chest? Do you want him to understand something? Do you want a specific result?
  2. Get yourself to a place where you are full of love. Love for yourself and for your husband. Don’t have anger or resentment or any other negative emotion brewing. Process those emotions and come from a clean place.
  3. Focus on the facts. It is too easy to get emotionally charged when the conversation is dominated by opinions. Strip it down to facts that everyone in the world would agree with.
  4. Set aside a time where you both can focus and not be distracted. At least as much as possible.
  5. Recognize the awkwardness or difficulty of the conversation right from the start. You can use these words, “I need to say something that might not be easy for you to hear, and it isn’t easy for me to say.” 
  6. Start with the facts. 
  7. Move into how things are impacting you. “I feel” statements are great at diffusing any possible blame.
  8. Tell what you want out of the conversation, and give him a change to respond. Recognize that he may not respond the way you want him to. That’s ok. Whatever he says is coming from his feeling in the moment, which is coming from his thoughts in the moment. It has nothing to do with you.
  9. Be truly curious about how the conversation is feeling to him. Great questions to ask are, “Why?” and “How does that feel to you?” or “What do you think?”
  10. If need be, set a time to follow up.
Photo by Priscilla Du Preez on Unsplash

A few extra tips:

  • If you don’t feel safe to speak openly with your husband, do the work first to figure out why. Life coaching is great for this, just sayin’!
  • Start the conversation at a time when you aren’t having sex. 
  • If you can’t get yourself to open up, figure out why- get yourself to a life coach!