I decided my purpose and you can too.

Who am I?

I told you the nuts and bolts of my life story here. But that isn’t the entire story, and moreover, it’s hardly relevant to this work I am embarking upon.

My life has been filled with fear, and the way I have dealt with that historically is to try to control everything possible.

As a child, teenager and young adult, when home life felt out of control, at least I could succeed at school.

When I became a mom and decided to be the full-time at home parent and household manager, motherhood felt hard so I made sure everything was always on schedule and the house was clean.

Even sending my oldest to school felt like giving too much control away, so I brought her home and we homeschooled. Now I was in control of educating my kids and seeing them progress and learn in the many subjects helped me feel good about myself.

Do you see a theme?

I have always given my power away to outside sources in an attempt to feel good about myself: good grades, a clean house, my children’s education.

When we went from homeschooling to living in Germany for a year where homeschooling was illegal, I had to really face myself. I no longer had my kids to prop my self-esteem up.

It really made me think about my life and my purpose.

“This is what it’s going to be like in 10 short years! The past 10 years have gone by so quickly; it’s going to happen sooner than I am ready!”

So who am I? What do I want to do with my life?

I felt alone and lost.

So in my podcast app I searched “Mormon podcasts,” and “mental health podcasts” and many other variations of those words. And I stumbled upon Jody Moore.

I pretty much always had my earbuds in my ears.

I inhaled Jody’s podcast.

I learned that whether or not my kids did their chores had nothing to do with me. I learned what true self-esteem was. I learned that I could actually choose how I wanted to feel at all times. I learned I didn’t need to control everything, because I could feel good no matter what, through much practice and self-awareness.

Then I started listening to Brooke Castillo’s podcast.

And I decided what my purpose was. Through self-exploration, reflection, prayer and spiritual confirmation, I learned of myself that I wanted to help others gain their confidence too.

But I am getting ahead of myself.

I was already on this journey of self-discovery because for the previous two years I had been listening to the Sexy Marriage Radio podcast and had been slowly creating confidence for myself in the bedroom, one of the areas I didn’t feel like I had much control.

Fast-forward to attending the Life Coach School and needing to choose a niche. I knew I wanted to do something in the realm of relationships. So I chose the area where I felt like it all started for me: my sexuality.

Here’s the thing, though. Difficulty in your sex life is just one leaf on a tree. It could be parenting. Or money. Or any number of human problems. They are all attached to the branches, the trunk, and lead to the root of the tree. The root is how our brain operates. How you do one thing is how you do everything.

Sex is just the leaf I am choosing to focus on. Ultimately, I help wives gain confidence in all areas of their lives.

We could all use that.

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Focus on what you get from sex.

Let’s talk about giving and receiving in relationship. Specifically with sex.

Many of my clients have an underlying belief that sex is for men. That the purpose of sex and sexuality has nothing to do with women, other than they are required to show up, at least in the case of a monogamous relationship.

(I’ve been there friends.)

This naturally leads to the idea that when engaging in sex, women are only giving, not receiving.

If this is true for you, of course you don’t love sex! You are constantly giving and serving everyone around you, and it’s just one. more. thing.

You may even feel like you have lost yourself amongst all the giving.

You don’t think of sex as a necessity, at least in the strictest sense.

Sex is the means to an end: having children. And sure, sex is for bringing husband and wife closer together.

But what if sex is also about receiving?

Photo by Hanneke Laaning on Unsplash

Think about compliments. When you give a compliment, it feels good. You have lifted someone else’s day.

What about when you receive a compliment? Does that feel good, or is it a little uncomfortable? Are you able to receive it graciously? Can you say ‘thank you’ and then just sit with the compliment and let it sink in? Or do you immediately feel the need to reciprocate? Or justify. “These old shoes? My sister gave them to me!”

Are you able to receive well?

How does it feel when you give someone a compliment but they explain it away or immediately reciprocate with a compliment for you?

It’s like they didn’t really hear you.

Now imagine you give a compliment and then they say, “Thank you- I am going to take a moment to fully receive this.”

THAT feels good. As the giver and as the receiver.

Let’s bring it back to sex.

I promise, it’s not all about giving, but also about receiving. Your husband wants to know that he can give you pleasure and that you want to be with him.

You receiving him well is like receiving a compliment well. It feels good for both of you.

Receiving is also giving. It’s a gift you give to the other person, whether we are talking about compliments or sex. You are saying, “I see you. I hear you.”

You can only see and hear others as well as you are able to allow yourself to be seen and heard.

This also means you can only give as well as you are able to receive.

If sex is only for him, you probably aren’t receiving it well and it’s limiting your capacity to give of yourself in an intimate way.

In this case, focus on what you get from sex. And if you aren’t getting anything is it because your husband just isn’t giving or because you are not acknowledging his gift?

My challenge for you this week is to pay attention to how well you are able to give and receive. Is there anything you would like to improve? Does making a conscious effort to receive well change your ability to give well?

Guilt was never meant to be carried

What role does guilt play in our lives?

Guilt encourages us to act according to our values. And if we have violated them, to come clean and make things right if possible.

But sometimes guilt is not necessarily a fact, but a perception we have. One definition I read said guilt comes from a wrong, either real or imagined.Our thoughts can’t always be trusted.

And sometimes we have done something wrong, but even after we have tried to make things right, we still use that wrongdoing against ourselves. We beat ourselves up, bringing up the past and holding onto the real or perceived offense to justify why we aren’t good enough.

We can internalize lingering guilt into shame. Now instead of “I’ve done something wrong,” it becomes “I am wrong.” When this happens, guilt is no longer useful.

I coached a client this week who was letting guilt keep her from the life she wanted. When I probed a little further, she confessed to me that because of something she did 35 years ago, she didn’t feel like she deserved a good life now.

That’s like saying, “I smoked for a while 35 years ago. I regret it, and I quit. But now I don’t deserve to be healthy.”

I say absurd.

Photo by Asdrubal luna on Unsplash

We all deserve a good life now, regardless of what wrongs we have committed in the past.

Guilt was always meant to be a signal to make things right. It was never meant to be carried with us long-term. It’s a slippery and heavy sucker and difficult to carry. It takes a lot of energy and focus to keep a hold of it.

If you are carrying guilt with you, maybe now is the time to let it go?

Have you come clean? Have you tried to make it right? Are you still beating yourself up over something that happened long ago? Are you holding the mistakes of a child (relatively speaking) against yourself as an adult?

I promise, you deserve better. You deserve a wonderful life. You deserve joy and pleasure and peace.

Let it go and focus your energy on being the person that has the life you want.

I would be happy to help you let go of the guilt and shame. It’s not easy when you have been holding onto it for so long.

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PS. I have ONE spot left for a free 6 week coaching package. If you are a Latter-day Saint wife and want help with your sex life, click here to schedule a free consultation call to see if my program is right for you.

Socks and Marriage

I remember where I was standing the day I had a profound insight about marriage.

In my bedroom near the foot of the bed, a few feet away from the master bathroom. My husband had left his socks on the floor, just inches from his laundry basket. Feeling the frustration and resentment rise up in me, I stopped and wondered why this bothered me so much.

And that’s when it happened. The ah-ha moment. I realized that I felt like his actions were a reflection of me. We were, after all, “twain one flesh.” And then I thought of my friends’ husbands. Do I look at their husbands and make judgements about them? Um. No.

That was the beginning of the end of my nagging. Now I can’t say that I never nag anymore. I’m nowhere near perfect and I am sure I do. But now that I consciously know that how my husband acts is NOT a reflection on me, it is so much easier to let the little things go.

That experience happened at least 7 years into marriage. If I had known the tools I know now, I could have saved myself a lot of frustration. If you are ready to break free of the frustration in your marriage, email me for a complimentary coaching session.