If my clients can get vulnerable, I can too.

I have to tell you something private. This was not in my blogging plan. And it’s a little vulnerable– maybe borderline TMI. (Don’t tell my hubby that I wrote this out for the entire internet to read. Although we all know in his heart of hearts he would love to brag about this.) I figure if my clients can open up and be vulnerable, I can too.

Today has been a super full day. My girls leave for girl’s camp in the morning and they not only had to pack, but shop for clothes. There was a BBQ and voice lessons and piano lessons and grocery shopping and laundry and ALL. THE. THINGS.

But at one point I found myself making out with my husband. With two kids in the house. Awake.

So first of all Mama of little ones: know that it gets better. Those kids who need you constantly, who make you all “touched-out,” get to a point where you can leave them unsupervised for chunks of time.

We had a kid pick-up and drop-off to make, so the making-out had to be put on hold. He ran that kid around and when he got home… well…. {we had sex}. Again with kids in the house and awake. And it was good. (TMI?)

I share this because not too long ago, I would have never been able to do it. During the day, when it was light out, and kids. Kids! Awake!

I used to think I was too tired and busy. I used to think that if I had sex whenever he wanted it, we would constantly be in bed and I would never get anything done. I used to believe sex was for him.

No longer my friend. It only took us 15 minutes and I have been able to get everything done today that I had planned!

Who have I become?!

I have become a woman who loves her sex life. Who loves sex. Who’da-thunk?

I have been able to let go of so many obstacles to get to this point. And it is not a gimmick when I say that life coaching is what got me here. Because all those obstacles I speak of? They were all in my mind.

My husband and I have been blessed with a strong and passionate marriage. But I am still the lower/responsive desire in my marriage like so many of you are. Our sex life has not always been an easy thing for both of us.

But I am living proof that it CAN be.

I am filled with gratitude at this life of mine. I am literally living my dream. My marriage is amazing. I feel like I am a fabulous mom. Sure there are relationships I could work on, but these ones that I have contact with daily, if not by the minute are the ones I care the most about. This is the abundant life.

Friends, I invite you to schedule a free call with me. I’d love to show you how you can live your most abundant life. A great sex life is the proof. And if you aren’t ready for that, join my Facebook group, follow me on Instagram or Facebook or grab my free pdf to get yourself started on improving your sex mindset.

Choose to trust your partner for better sex and a better life

I recently heard a fellow life coach on a podcast talking about marriage. She said most struggling couples think they need better communication, but what they really need is more safety. (I’m paraphrasing here, go listen to the episode– it’s gold!)

I think this same principle applies to sex. Sometimes we think we just need to figure out what to DO, or how to tell our husbands what we need. Really we just need to trust ourselves and our husbands.

Trust is a form of safety.

When we think we don’t trust our partner, we feel uncertain or even fear. When we feel uncertain or fear, we act needy. We question them, we ruminate on what could go wrong, or even avoid them. (I mean, who wants to have sex when they are scared?) And when we act in these ways, the impact on ourselves is that we continue to feel uncertain and fearful. It’s a never-ending cycle that all starts with the thought.

On the other hand, when we choose to trust our partner, we feel safe. When we feel safe, we act in a relaxed way. We don’t even think about what could go wrong. We are focused on loving our partner and ourselves. And this reinforces our trust of both our husband and ourselves.

Here’s the other thing: sometimes we don’t trust– without cause. Would you rather be stuck in fear all the time until something happens that gives you good cause to fear? Or would you rather just be afraid when you really need to? Distrust holds us back from living a full life in the meantime.

Of course there are scary things that happen sometimes, but being afraid ahead of time doesn’t help. It might feel like it helps, but it never does. Fear keeps us in hiding. In order to prepare for the Scary Event, we need to stop hiding and, well, prepare!

If you find yourself in a position where you want to distrust your spouse, you can choose to trust them. The past is in the past. You can trust them going forward by thinking trusting thoughts.

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I am enrolling now for my Summer coaching program! Email me to set up a totally free consultation call. I promise it will be worth your time, even if you don’t enroll in the program. Do something for yourself this summer! denitabremercoaching@gmail.com

Will a sex challenge save your marriage?

Photo by Eric Ward on Unsplash

I stumbled upon this article yesterday and thought I would share it here. It’s by Heidi Powell (who I know nothing about other than this article) and it’s about how sex saved her marriage.

A friend recommended a 30-day sex challenge to her and her husband as a last-ditch effort to keep them from divorce. And it worked for them.

Many of my clients want me to tell them what to DO. How often should we have sex? How should I respond to his text?

What you believe and think is ALWAYS more important than what you do.

I am not saying a 30-day sex challenge won’t help your marriage. It probably will. Try it and see what happens. What I am saying is that it’s not about the sex entirely.

Ms. Powell even says,

“And was it the sex that did it? Maybe partially. But what I believe really changed us was our dedication to spending even 20 minutes every single day completely focused on each other.

So yes. Sex in marriage is important.

It helps us focus on each other. It leads us to pleasure and fun that we associate with one another.

But sex isn’t everything. For every couple who uses this 30-day sex challenge to save their marriage, there is a couple out there who wasn’t even willing to try it. What came before the sex challenge was a tiny belief that maybe it will work. A thought that maybe it’s worth trying. A commitment to stick it out for 30 more days.

Just like money and time, sex makes you more of what you already are. It’s a thermometer of the relationship of sorts.

Sometimes changing the thermometer changes the relationship. And sometimes you can’t even bring yourself to change the thermometer because your heart already isn’t there.

So what do you want your thermometer to read? Hot or cold?

If you haven’t completely given up on the relationship, it is possible to get back to a place where you are thriving. Maybe a 30-day sex challenge will do it. Just make sure your thoughts are also in the right place.

If you are thinking “how do I make sure my thoughts are in the right place?” I want to offer that I may be able to help you. Click here to get on a call with me and see what you think, completely free. I LOVE working with my clients and seeing the amazing results they are getting. I will be opening up coaching for 10 amazing women starting June 10th. Let’s chat and see if it’s a fit for you!

Maybe this is why you don’t enjoy your sex life.

Do you believe sex is important for a marriage?

Why?

Why do you have sex?

Do these two reasons align?

There are a variety of reasons to have sex but your personal reason matters to the quality of your sex life.

I am assuming you believe sex is important in marriage, or else you probably wouldn’t be here reading. (Please feel free to comment and let me know if I am wrong!)

If the reason you think sex is important is because it brings you closer to your husband, but then you have sex just so he will quit asking, I submit to you that there is a disconnect! This may be why you don’t love your sex life!

Your personal reason has to be compelling to YOU.

When we have sex FOR our husbands and not for ourselves, it tends to breed resentment and dislike. Or even just apathy.

Would you like to have sex with someone who doesn’t really care about it?

I was once talking with a client about why she has sex and I offered that it connects husband and wife. She recoiled at the thought. She was feeling too connected to her husband and desperately wanted space from him to be her own person.

For someone else, connection may be what they are craving.

If you believe sex is important because it’s fun, and you have sex because you find it pleasurable and fun, your reasons are aligned and you are probably having a great sex life! (Why are you here? Go have some sex!)

Sometimes clients tell me it is selfish to do things for themselves. But when it comes to sex, THAT’S THE WHOLE PURPOSE. This selfishness non-sense is cultural messaging that is not useful.

When two people come together (each for their own reasons) and have sex for the sheer pleasure of it, the experience is magical. The intimacy increases and the pleasure increases.

Ladies, you are entitled to have pleasure just because you want it. You don’t even have to deserve it!

Find a reason for sex that is just your own personal reason and is not for anybody else. Then go and have sex and try it out. Does it improve the experience?

Sexual rejection and its antidote

Rejection is a powerful emotion.

When we feel rejection, it usually means we aren’t likable, or we aren’t good enough.

This comes from primitive times when we were hunter-gatherers traveling in a pack. Being kicked out of the pack meant certain death.

But it rarely means death in our modern culture today.

Our brains are so scared of rejection that they would rather feel fear or guilt, or almost any other negative emotion.

Photo by Jp Valery on Unsplash

Rejection shows up in the bedroom frequently.

The spontaneous-desire partner may get turned down, and then they feel rejected.

When we feel rejected, we want to do anything to get away from that negative emotion, so we stop initiating sex or withdraw. We may get whiny or nag (not attractive).

Just notice that the rejection is just a thought in your mind.

Maybe your partner turned you down because they didn’t feel sexy.
Maybe your partner turned you down because they were really tired.
Maybe your partner turned you down because they were in a bad mood.

Notice, none of these reasons is about YOU.

But when they say no, you make it mean that they don’t like or love you the way you are. That you aren’t good enough.

What if it really only means they were tired or angry or feeling frumpy?

Sometimes we reject ourselves ahead of time so we don’t have to feel failure.

When we think others are judging us, we feel rejected, and then act in a way that is not in line with who we are, but instead who we think other people want us to be. In a sense, when we act in a way that is for others and against our true authenticity, we are rejecting ourselves. Because the alternative is to be true to ourselves and then someone not liking it and feeling rejected.

So if you are going to be rejected either way, why not do it in the way that feels authentic to you?

The antidote to rejection is self-love.

If you accept and love yourself no matter what, then what other people say and do doesn’t mean anything about you.

AND. You get to feel love, because when you love you are the one that feels the love.

So whether you are initiating sex, or dating, or are just out in the world being you, love yourself. Accept yourself as whole and worthy just the way you are.

Who knows? Maybe you loving yourself will be the inspiration or permission someone else needs to do the same.

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Does this post resonate with you? If so, you may want to check out my 20 Questions to Ask to Improve Your Sex Mindset.

Sex is for men and other lies we tell ourselves.

Men need sex.

My husband can only have sex with me, so I have to have sex with him.

His sexual desire is higher than mine, so it’s up to me to meet his needs.

If he is frustrated it’s because I didn’t have sex with him.

It’s my responsibility to make him happy.

If I don’t have sex with him he will have an affair or want a divorce.

Sex is for men.

Photo by Connor Irwin on Unsplash

Do you believe any of these thoughts? If so, you are giving your sexual responsibility and power away to your husband. His feelings come from his thoughts, not from what you do or don’t do.

If you feel like you are having sex in order to manage your husband’s emotions, just stop right now. Find a better reason. Manage your own emotions first.

When you show up in your marriage as more authentically you, things will shift.

The energy– the WHY– behind your actions matters.

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Does this post resonate with you? If so, you may want to check out my 20 Questions to Ask to Improve Your Sex Mindset.

What does God think about sex?

With it being the Sabbath, I wanted to give you some thoughts about sex in religion and how the two can go together.

Many women have this belief that sex is dirty or wrong. But it is also the way to create children, which are “an heritage of the Lord.” Sometimes the messages around sex, coming from religion get a little mixed up.

God created man and woman. If God is a perfect, and he created our bodies, then our bodies are perfect. The female body has a tiny little organ that is meant strictly for pleasure: the clitoris. Why would God create the female body with a clitoris, in which the only purpose is pleasure, if he didn’t want women to have pleasure during sex?

Your sexuality is an essential part of you. It’s like the color of your eyes, your preference for certain foods, etc. I believe God wants us to each love ourselves and see our true potentials and work toward them. But what happens when we try to repress or ignore an essential part of our selves? (It doesn’t feel good!) We can’t work toward something we are ignoring.

If part of our identity as a child of God is to be good and pure or righteous, and we think that sex is dirty or shameful, then the two are in opposition to each other. We have to first accept sex as something that God wants for us– something that can help us to reach our potential. We must view sex as beautiful and good. It has to align with our identity for it to feel good and bring us closer to God.

Photo by Ben White on Unsplash

What if sex was akin to the sacrament? Partaking of the sacrament is eating a symbolic piece of bread and drinking a symbolic sip of water. They represent Christ’s body and blood, respectively. We actually ingest them into our bodies as a way to literally become more like Christ. We have to allow “Christ” to enter our bodies. When we have sex, we are allowing someone else’s body to enter our bodies. It requires openness and vulnerability. When two people willingly partake in this activity together with shared goals, it brings them closer together. They share a part of their souls with one another. Biologically speaking, oxytocin in released during this process, which quite literally bonds them together. (This, in my opinion, is one reason we are taught to keep sex within marriage. Complete fidelity could suggest bonding in this way with only one person.)

Of course, I have no way of knowing the mind of God. But these ideas help me to think of sex as a holy, sacred act that brings me closer to my husband and also closer to God. I love the simple image of a triangle with husband, wife, and God at each corner. When we individually try to get closer to God, we naturally become closer to one another. And when we try to become closer to each other, we naturally become closer to God.

Thinking of sex this way helps me drop any guilt, shame or negativity in general and compels me to try to make sex a regular part of my marriage. I hope the same is true for you!

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This is day 4 of 30 days of blogging. Comment or email me if you have a topic you would like me to write about. You can also follow me on instagram or facebook if you don’t want to miss a post. Click here for my 20 Questions to Improve Your Sex Mindset pdf.

Sexual pressure after date night? Here’s what to do.

My husband and I decided to go on a dinner date tonight and talk about our family budget. We had some financial decisions to make.

On the way to the restaurant, I casually said, “What should I write about for my blog tonight?” and jokingly added, “Maybe the pressure to have sex after a date night?”

He replied, “Sure, but I still get sex, right?”

Oh the irony.

Photo by Tim Foster on Unsplash

When we feel pressure to have sex– or do anything for that matter– our brains do not like that feeling and want to get far away from it. We do things that temporarily relieve the pressure, like eating chocolate, watching TV, scrolling social media, etc. It could even be sleep or read. Those activities feel better than the pressure-inducing activity.

The pressure to have sex creates a result that is anything BUT sex.

It seems counter-intuitive. It seems like if there is pressure, you would be more likely to just get the thing done, but that is not how the brain works.

The pressure doesn’t come from your spouse or the sex or anything outside of you. It comes from your thought that you should have sex. Or he wants you to. Pressure always comes from your thought about the situation.

What I recommend instead is to recognize that you always have a choice. Just because you go on a date night with your husband doesn’t mean that you have to have sex. When we see it as a choice, there is no pressure.

You may want to have sex. Or maybe not. But you might decide that you’ll have sex anyway because that’s the kind of wife you want to be. Or because it’s fun. Or because you want to feel close to your husband. Being intimate out of choice or desire will always produce better results for yourself than pressure.

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I would love your feedback. Do you have a comment or question or a curiosity I can address in a future post?

Better terminology for desire: spontaneous or responsive

It’s common to talk about our desire as either “higher” or “lower.” And it’s good to know how you relate to your partner. Are you the partner with higher desire or lower?

And also know that desire is all relative. Maybe both you and your partner are “high” desire, one of you is just “high-ER” than the other.

Or conversely, maybe you are both on the low end of the spectrum.

So are you comparing yourself to your partner, or to the rest of the world and what is “normal?”

Let me just tell you that EVERYTHING is normal.

But words that are even more useful than “higher” and “lower” are spontaneous and responsive.

Lest you think I am all smart, I got this from Come As You Are by Emily Nagoski. She is the smart one!

Spontaneous desire is when you just naturally and without trigger, feel desire for sex. Generally speaking, these are the “higher” desire spouses out there.

Responsive desire is when you feel desire only after something explicitly erotic is happening (like your partner initiating sex). Usually this is what we think of as “lower” desire partners.

Just keep in mind that every brain functions uniquely. Whether you are spontaneous desire or responsive desire is just a neutral circumstance. It is neither good or bad until you have an opinion about it.

Our culture would have us believe that having spontaneous desire is better somehow. But who made that rule up? (Emily talks about how this is a leftover artifact of a patriarchal society.)

The reason I think these words are more useful is that in our minds when we use words like ‘higher’ and ‘lower,’ it is difficult to not associate that with ‘good’ and ‘bad.’ High and low is just a visual we often use to connote better and worse. Like the idea of a totem pole. The faces at the top were more powerful.

But when we use ‘spontaneous’ and ‘responsive’ this doesn’t happen. There is no good or bad, it’s just how your brain responds.

Emily makes this point, and I completely agree with her: How you think about your sexual desire is more important that what your sexual desire actually is.

So what category do you fall under? How do you feel about that?

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PS. Yesterday started my 30 days of blog posts. If there is a question or topic you would like to see addressed, please comment or email me. And as always, I would love it if you shared my posts with anyone you think could benefit from them. Or use them as a conversation starter with your spouse.

Sexual desire is a feeling that can be changed, but should you change it?

Are there sexual desire differences in your marriage?

Chances are you just said “Yes.”

Because it’s virtually impossible to be perfectly matched.

So what can you do about it?

Most people want to change their desire.

Society tells us that the lower desire partner should increase their desire.

(Because clearly, that’s the “better” way to do sexual desire.)

Why would you want to change your desire?

Really think about that.

Would it make things easier?

Would it mean that you are a better, less broken person, and whatever is wrong is now fixed?

Would life just be better?

When we think things will be better on the other side, we are robbing ourselves of the joy of now.

Because the truth?

Accepting and loving yourself exactly the way you are right now is the key to “better.”

And then you may want to change. Or you might now. But it will be because you want to, not because you think it will make things better.

The energy behind your action makes a difference friends.

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PS. Can I ask a favor? I am about to embark upon 30 blog posts in 30 days. Would you comment or email me what questions or topics you would like addressed regarding loving your sex life more? I would be ever grateful.

PPS. I go deeper into this topic in my weekly newsletter this week. If you are interested in learning more, click here.