Not having time for sex

So many women feel like they just don’t have time for sex. 

I would like to share my time-management practice; it’s the best way I have found to manage your time— and I have tried many things! 

Time management is really mind management. Everyone has the same amount of time; seconds keep ticking no matter what we are doing. It’s how we manage ourselves in time that really makes a difference. (Which is why life coaching around time can be so powerful.)

I like to plan out my calendar one week at at time. It seems the most manageable without getting too far in the weeds or too far in the sky.

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  1. List out every. little. thing. you want to do or you have to do.
  2. Delegate or drop every task that you don’t really have to or want to do. (You don’t have to clean toilets. I promise. They will still work even if they are dirty.)
  3. Prioritize the remaining tasks from most important to least important.
  4. Write in the tasks on your calendar that have times associated with them: appointments with other people, etc.
  5. Schedule down time, play time and time to yourself. It’s ok to schedule blocks of time for you to do “whatever you want.” Make sure to do this first. If you don’t, it will never happen. Make sure to schedule your bedtime and wake up times. Don’t forget to plan in sex!
  6. Schedule the rest of your tasks starting with highest priority and working your way down until you have no unscheduled time. Be careful with transitions. They always take longer than you think they will.
  7. If you are trying to get something done and you have kids, assume it will take 1.5-2 times longer than if you could dedicated all your focus on it. I build in flexibility by limiting myself to one task per half hour block. Even if the task will take 5 minutes, I only schedule one task. Then when something comes up later, I inevitably have “extra” time.
  8. Follow your calendar no matter what, except for true emergencies. When someone asks you out to lunch, tell them “I’d love to but I already have something scheduled then! How about next Wednesday?”
  9. If something comes up that you weren’t expecting, ask yourself if you would have chosen it or what is on your calendar if you were planning ahead. It’s ok to change your plans, just make sure you aren’t doing it to appease your primitive brain.

Following your schedule once it is set is the key. You are going to have drama: “I don’t feeeeeel like doing this right now.” But recognize that when you planned your calendar, you were using your pre-frontal cortex, the part of your brain that makes rational decisions and plans ahead. When you don’t feel like doing something, you are using your primitive brain that doesn’t ever want to do anything because it is more concerned with conserving energy. This is not how we up level our lives. It will feel uncomfortable in the short term, but you will be so proud of yourself in the long-term. 

I am telling you, I have been able to get so much more done using this method. And I am a very organized and dedicated person. But I still have a primitive brain. The very first time I committed to trying this for a week, I got to the end of the week and had gotten everything done and worked ahead, so I had “extra” time. 

There is a little bit of trial and error and learning what works best for you. My recommendation is to try this for at least 3 weeks and see how it works for you. 

I would be so curious if you tried it and how it went! 

Good luck with making time for sex!

How to talk to your husband about your sexual needs (or anything else).

  1. Figure out what you want the outcome of the conversation to be. Do you just want to get some things off your chest? Do you want him to understand something? Do you want a specific result?
  2. Get yourself to a place where you are full of love. Love for yourself and for your husband. Don’t have anger or resentment or any other negative emotion brewing. Process those emotions and come from a clean place.
  3. Focus on the facts. It is too easy to get emotionally charged when the conversation is dominated by opinions. Strip it down to facts that everyone in the world would agree with.
  4. Set aside a time where you both can focus and not be distracted. At least as much as possible.
  5. Recognize the awkwardness or difficulty of the conversation right from the start. You can use these words, “I need to say something that might not be easy for you to hear, and it isn’t easy for me to say.” 
  6. Start with the facts. 
  7. Move into how things are impacting you. “I feel” statements are great at diffusing any possible blame.
  8. Tell what you want out of the conversation, and give him a change to respond. Recognize that he may not respond the way you want him to. That’s ok. Whatever he says is coming from his feeling in the moment, which is coming from his thoughts in the moment. It has nothing to do with you.
  9. Be truly curious about how the conversation is feeling to him. Great questions to ask are, “Why?” and “How does that feel to you?” or “What do you think?”
  10. If need be, set a time to follow up.
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A few extra tips:

  • If you don’t feel safe to speak openly with your husband, do the work first to figure out why. Life coaching is great for this, just sayin’!
  • Start the conversation at a time when you aren’t having sex. 
  • If you can’t get yourself to open up, figure out why- get yourself to a life coach!

On the same page as your husband

What is it with wanting to be on the same page as your husband?

(It’s not just you, it’s me too.)

If your desire was just the same, or closer to his…

If you could just see eye-to-eye with how you spend your money…

If you could come to an agreement on how to parent that difficult child…

If you could both figure out how to navigate each other’s parents…

Things would be easier.

Our brains want things to take as little work as possible. Easier seems like it’s always better.

But is it?

Easier doesn’t give us diversity.

Easier doesn’t get us to our goals.

Easier doesn’t make us better people. 

Easier is the natural man.

Easier is Satan’s plan.

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Besides. Isn’t it better if you both have different strengths? Then when one of you is weak, the other is strong.

Isn’t it better to have adventure and fun in the bedroom?

Maybe there isn’t one right way to manage money.

Maybe your difficult kid needs both methods of parenting.

What if the way you each are is exactly the way it is supposed to be?

What if this whole beautiful life and everything in it is working for you, not against you?

Isn’t it diversity that makes our world a more beautiful place? (Imagine if roses were the only kind of flower.)

Don’t try to make yourself like him. And don’t expect him to be like you.

Two people who are the same don’t encourage each other to learn and grow.

People who are the same don’t effect change.

Reading this same page over and over again is no fun. 

Create your own story.

Are you the kind of person you would want to have sex with?

Imagine you are watching yourself and your spouse having sex. Not in a voyeuristic way, just a being-aware-of-yourself way. Watch with curiosity.

Pay attention to your energy. 

Are you focused and energetic?

Are you relaxed and open?

Are you selfish?

Are you just laying there like you would rather it be over?

Are you sighing and impatient?

Are you nearly asleep?

Would you want to have sex with you?

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What kind of person do you want to have sex with?

Can you be that person?

What prevents you from being that person (because I imagine if you could you would already).

Make a list of all the reasons you aren’t doing that already.

Then solve for each thing on that list.

The obstacles to a sex life you love will be figured out and you will be well on your way.

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If you want help with this, reach out to me. I have other free resources, and offer free consult calls.

Sex and Money: something in common

It surprised me to realize that most of my clients who struggle with sex also struggle with money issues. Not all of them but most of them.

I started thinking about this connection to figure out why.

The first possibility is that they are not connected directly at all, but only correlated.

Maybe it’s just that my Latter-day Saint target market all feel like they don’t have enough money. They tend to have one-earner families and many mouths to feed.

Maybe Christians are just more conservative and both sex and money are problems separately. 

Maybe both problems are just rampant.

But something within me says the same thing that makes sex difficult makes money scarce.

Scarce. Hm….

Scarcity can be a mindset. 

Usually when you think one thing is scarce, that shows up in other areas as well. 

But is sex scarce?

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Upon further reflection, I realized that scarcity comes from a place within you. 

Scarcity comes from feeling like you are not enough.

And THAT is what most of my clients have in common.

They struggle with sex, because they don’t feel like they are enough so they don’t show up fully. They hide. 

When you feel like you are not enough, then there will never be enough money either. 

Feeling like you aren’t enough leads you to try to prove your worth. You start looking at things outside of you to show you are enough. 

If you make or have enough money than you are enough.

If you perform well, then you are enough.

If your kids behave, then you are enough.

If sex is good, your husband will love you more and you will be enough.

This is a subconscious drive within us to feel like we are enough, valuable.

Let me just help you out right now:

YOU ARE ENOUGH.

Nothing outside of you is going to prove it.

In order to have enough money and good enough sex, you have to believe first that you are enough.

But friend- you are enough. Just the way you are. 

Lean into it.

Believe it.

Then watch your life change.

PS. Once you believe you are already enough, then everything you do will be just because you want to. It will come from a place of abundance. That energy fueling your actions will create more abundance in your life.

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If you want to work on this, come join my email list or my Facebook group.

Worst Case/Best Case Scenarios with Figuring Sex Out

Someone told me this recently. 

She couldn’t even see a future where sex wasn’t a problem for her. 

She wasn’t sure she believed it was possible to change her sex life. 

Her past was riddled with so much sexual dysfunction that she is starting to believe this is just her lot in life- to be a woman with a terrible sex life.

Maybe she’s right. 

Maybe she will never have a good sex life.

Maybe she will never orgasm.

Maybe she will never feel close to her husband.

But maybe she’s wrong. 

Has anyone in the world ever gone from feeling like sex was a lost cause to, at some point later, feeling like sex is wonderful and pleasurable? Ever??

Is she a special case?

I want to offer that if it’s possible for one person it’s possible for anyone.

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And here’s the thing:

Worse case scenario, your sex life stays the same. You have a good life, but it’s just this one little area that doesn’t get figured out. You’ve been doing it for this long, it’ll be fine to keep going like this.

Best case scenario, you figure it out! You and your husband experience pleasure and joy together. You become bonded in a way you never thought possible. You connect to yourself physically, mentally and emotionally. You actually look forward to sex. You realize that sex is for you as much as it is for him. 

You feel whole.

You know what the real worst-case scenario is?

Not trying to make it better.

A possibility that never gets realized. 

Regret.

So what if you try and it doesn’t work?

The time and energy going toward your goal is not wasted. 

It is useful.

It tells you who you are.

It shows you what you can do.

Getting rid of the belief that you will NEVER figure out sex is the first step to going for that possibility.

If you believe you will never figure it out, then you will feel discouraged and will give up and you will never figure it out.

Start thinking “Maybe I will figure it out.” 

Just let that marinate for a while.

To the Husbands: What Your Wife Wishes You Knew

After a dream last night: this is what I wish the husbands knew about their wives and sex:

Most of my clients start out by saying that they don’t necessarily want to want sex more for themselves, but for you. They could just say I am not having sex anymore and you will just have to deal with it. But they don’t. They are willing to take time out of their busy schedules and pay money so they can work on themselves so that you are more satisfied.

They have a lot of shame around sex. Whether they have endured sexual abuse or made a mistake in their youth or were just told sex is dirty and bad, they are often ashamed. Shame wants to hide, so it’s difficult for them to speak up and tell you or anyone else. So if your wife seems distant or quiet just know that it is her human brain trying to keep her safe from the possibly “dangerous” shame.

Sometimes sex is painful. But she does’t tell you because she thinks she should just stick it out. Encourage her to see her doctor.

And here is the big one: Your wife desperately wants sex to be a positive, enjoyable experience. But she hasn’t yet figured out how to make it pleasurable. She probably hasn’t explored her own body enough to know what feels good. She doesn’t know if she actually has ever had an orgasm. She doesn’t want to masturbate, but she also doesn’t know how to bring this up with you. Not because she doesn’t feel safe, it’s just… awkward. If there hasn’t been a precedent set for talking about sex, she doesn’t know how to start one now. 

And lastly, your wife’s feelings about sex and intimacy have nothing to do with you. It has everything to do with what she has been taught and not taught, her fears and her desires, her assumptions and wanting to be enough for you. Just because she wants to try something new or different doesn’t mean you are any less of a man. It doesn’t mean she doesn’t love you. It doesn’t mean something is wrong in your marriage or that anyone has failed. It only means she wants to become the next version of herself who is confident and joyful in her own body. 

What obligation does to a sex life.

When you feel like you should have sex, it almost always backfires.

When you think the thought “I should have sex,” how does it feel in your body?

{Side note: are you able to connect to your body and notice what is happening in your body while you are thinking a specific thought? (Writing a note to myself to address this in an upcoming post.)}

Usually, any thought with a ‘should’ in it feels like pressure or heavy. Not always, but often.

Your brain does not like pressure; it doesn’t like anything that seems “negative.” The reason is because the brain doesn’t differentiate between physical and emotional pain. Negative emotion means there could be something dangerous there.

So when you feel pressure or negative emotion you want to get away from it. This is just what human brains do!

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Usually this looks like doing anything but the thing that feels like pressure, which for your brain when you think “I should have sex” is sex.

So then when you DO have sex, it is coming from the pressure energy, not from desire or love or anything else.

The same action fueled by a different emotion will feel so different.

Sex fueled by obligation will be a totally different experience than sex fueled by love.

What do you feel when you agree to have sex with your husband? Is it obligation? Or something else? Pay attention.

***

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How to get your husband to stop asking for sex– it’s easier than you think!

How do you get your husband to stop asking, nagging, initiating or pouting about sex?

The easiest way?

Have sex.

So what comes up for you when I say that? Why aren’t you doing that already?

Time?

Energy?

Maybe he doesn’t deserve it? (This came up for one of my clients today.)

Is your reason that you don’t feel connected to him, so you don’t feel like having sex?

Do you think he will ask even more and then you will have to have sex even more and it will be a never-ending cycle that you can’t get out of??

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Let’s take these one by one.

Time. How long does it really take to have sex? Let’s face it, this is just an excuse. Time isn’t a REAL issue for most of us. See my last post for more evidence!

And if time is a real issue for you, then it’s just a matter of prioritizing your time. What is most important, second most, etc?

Energy. I’m feeling the tough love tonight– If you spent less energy thinking and fuming about sex, you would have more for sex. The underlying belief here is that sex TAKES energy. But what if you are wrong? What if it actually gives you energy? Why would you keep yourself from that?

There are activities that drain us and activities that energize us. It all depends on your thoughts about the activity. So if you can get to a place where you love sex… just sayin’…. it might be energizing!

But really. What if your husband isn’t taking from you but giving to you? What if you are looking at it all wrong?

He doesn’t deserve it. If you are thinking this, there is a good chance you are in a parent-child dynamic with your husband. And who the heck wants to have sex with their kid? Umm, not me. This feels like a responsibility, a heaviness. Your brain is gonna want to get far away from that. What if pleasure is not something we deserve or earn with good behavior? What if pleasure is just something we naturally seek and then it’s just about what we want or don’t want– the type of pleasure we are up for? The scriptures say that Men are that they might have joy. We are created for joy, and that often comes from pleasure.

So again, what if you are looking at it all wrong? He doesn’t deserve it or not deserve it. And neither do you! This is just about pleasure, connection and desire. What do you want? (And do you see that when you withhold sex from him, you are also withholding sex/pleasure from you? Even if you don’t enjoy sex yet… the promise of future pleasure with practice is being delayed for yourself.)

Connection. Yes. Connection leads to intimacy. But intimacy also leads to connection. It’s a self-reinforcing cycle. Either you have to have connection first. Or you have to have sex first. Depends on your desire type (responsive vs. spontaneous) as to which way you will prefer.

Also: connection is a feeling. Feelings come from our thoughts. You can create connection by thinking loving thoughts about your husband. Try focusing on what you love about him. What do you appreciate? What would you miss if he were gone? Boom. Connection.

Here’s the thing. It’s so much easier to give the power of our emotions away to other people. Then we don’t have to work at it. But it’s much more satisfying to do the work ourselves and create the feelings we want on purpose. It’s not easy, but it is powerful. I promise it will help you feel more connected to yourself and therefore more connected to your husband.

The never-ending cycle. OK, so right now you are just having sex the bare minimum in order to shut him up about it already. Your heart probably isn’t really in it; it’s just a physical act for you. This is like eating bread every meal. It’s not filling. What if you had sex more often but you still aren’t that into it? Like having more bread meals. What if you have sex and you decide to be all in? After all, if you are going to do it, you might as well do it right! This is like meat and potatoes meals. You might be surprised, but your husband likely doesn’t want sex just for the sexual release. It means something to him too. He wants you to be into it! He wants to be filled up. He wants to feel loved and like you mean it. When you can get to that place (and I assure you, you can if you want to), he will likely want sex less often because the “filling meal” will last longer.

Maybe I am wrong and his desire is off the hook. In that case I want you to recognize that you always have a choice. You don’t ever have to have sex, even with your husband. So if you are having sex even if you “don’t really want to,” the alternative is worse than the sex to your brain. What’s the alternative? Only you can answer that.

*Another way you could get him to stop asking for sex is to get divorced. There are always alternatives my friend.

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Man, I love this work. I love helping women love their sex lives which leads them to love themselves more so they can love everyone around them more. Come join my coaching program so you can get amazing results in your life. I promise it’ll be worth it.